I recently received some belated feedback from an American organisational psychologist on an article that I wrote some time ago on personality disorders and the workplace. This reader urged me to write a follow-up article on how to deal constructively with difficult people – found in every large organisation. She gave me her own views which I want to share with others who find it difficult to handle the toxicity of dealing with damaged people.

Let us start with some semantics. Management terminology often avoids loaded medical terms that describe difficult people. But the reality is that a significant number of workers in every organisation suffer from some personality disorder or a combination of disorders with different labels. Difficult people can fall into a spectrum of behaviour abnormalities ranging from just being awkward people who behave aggressively and have a low threshold of stress tolerance, to those having more severe mental health issues that affect their personality.

A management training organisation describes ‘difficult people’ as those who are “irrational, deaf to reason, close-minded, uncooperative, making complaints, dissenting, disagreeable, opinionated, unreceptive, stubborn, aggressive, hostile, disruptive, discordant, angry, manipulative and unwilling to change”.

Most of us know someone who seems to make every situation toxic and impossible: “Pointing out that these people are difficult and demanding won’t get you anywhere, though odds are, they don’t even see a problem.”

Such people exist in the workplace, politics, and even religious orders –anywhere a group of persons has to interact. We have to accept the situation. Impossible people exist; there isn’t a thing you can do about it. What is important is to know how to deal with such people to avoid being damaged yourself by their toxicity.

The most distilled piece of advice I found on how to deal with such people comes from Dodinsky, The New York Times author of bestselling book In the Garden of Thoughts: “When faced with senseless drama, spiteful criticism and misguided opinions, walking away is the best way to stand up for yourself. To respond with anger is an endorsement of their attitude. Getting burned by someone’s vitriol can only happen if they are successful enough to ensnare you in their little corner of the world.”

Many employees have had to quit their jobs because their managers are dysfunctional in their interpersonal relationships

When faced with aggressive behaviour most people instinctively feel that they should react by being equally aggressive. But you need to resist this urge to be defensive. You cannot beat this kind of people with retaliation. They are called ‘impossible’ for a reason. In their minds, “you are the source of all wrongdoing, and nothing you can say is going to make them consider your side of the story. Your opinion is of no consequence, because you are already guilty, no matter what”.

The situation, of course, becomes that much more difficult when the relationship between the normal and the difficult person is one of manager and subordinate. Many employees have had to quit their jobs because their managers are dysfunctional in their interpersonal relationships. This is a real shame because proper governance should ensure that such managers should never be entrusted to lead other people in any organisation.

Dealing with difficult subordinates can be easier if the signs of the problems affecting one’s behaviour are identified early. Today there is a myriad of training courses on anger management and on handling difficult persons at the workplace. Such courses should be embedded in the academic curricula for management degrees and diplomas. Most forward looking organisations include such behaviour management courses in their in-house training regime.

When quitting a relationship with a difficult person, as suggested by Dodinsky, is not an option, then the next best option is to ‘be a manager’ of the situation. Until the relationship with a difficult person is over you need to limit the damage that such difficult persons can inflict on you. Your best weapon is silence. Abandon all hope of ‘fixing’ the other person. Impossible people are irrational. They do not listen to reason, and even if they could they would not.

Difficult people do not acknowledge that they have any flaws. You cannot change this mindset, however much you try. All you can do is manage this mindset without resorting to casting blame and without giving in to anger. This is much easier said than done and there will be times when one forgets these golden rules. But as time goes by you will master the art of dealing with difficult people.

johncassarwhite@yahoo.com

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