Parents discipline their children in various ways. While some hand out punishments, others reward good behaviour. Parents are now being encouraged to focus on disciplining kids without resorting to yelling and threats. Claire Caruana speaks with Melissa Bugeja who tried this out with her kids and is now in the process of becoming an educator on the topic.

The key element of positive discipline is to treat children the same way as parents wish to be treated.The key element of positive discipline is to treat children the same way as parents wish to be treated.

Every parent, at some point or another, experiences the frustration of trying to get a child to obey. Disciplining children is not easy, especially as these start figuring out the tactics parents use to get them to do as they are told. After trying every trick in the book, parents end up annoyed, tired and frustrated that nothing seems to be working. What comes next is an easy way out: raising of the voice to show authority and instil fear in the child. This seems like a simple enough method, yet it is often just a temporary quick fix.

Melissa Bugeja, a mother of three, saw first-hand the benefits of positive discipline, after trying it out with her children and now plans to help other parents understand this technique. “I didn’t just try out positive discipline, I adopted it as part of my lifestyle. My children are more cooperative and self-confident, among many other things,” says Bugeja. The key element of the technique is to treat children the same way as parents wish to be treated, says Bugeja, even in situations when children are misbehaving.

“Imagine you are in a restaurant with a friend who starts throwing toothpicks on the floor. You would not raise your voice and order your friend to stop with an authoritative tone or threaten to leave the restaurant if your friend continues to throw those toothpicks.

“On the contrary, you would calmly inform them that such behaviour is making you feel irritated and uncomfortable in front of those around you. The same thing happens with children and positive discipline. Parents have to treat their children in this way in order to gain their respect in return.”

Getting to the point where the parent is not screaming and yelling is a journey with bumps on the way, she says.

You must take it one minute at a time, with lots of love, commitment and patience

“You must take it one minute at a time, with lots of love, commitment and patience. As with everything worthwhile, it is not easy and I find myself stumbling all the time, however, I own up to my mistakes with my children and show them how I could improve it next time.

“When parents and their children respect each other, they cooperate in order to reach their common goals. When parents define their expectations, children are more likely to accept them and keep up to them.

“We are the ones who empower our children, make them responsible, build their self-confidence and lead a happy life,” says Bugeja, insisting that shouting and resorting to threats does not help in any way.

“When you raise your voice or attempt to threaten the children, they comply for a little while and then re-do the act. In this way, we are instilling fear not responsibility and we are certainly not improving the child’s self-confidence.”

Bugeja believes children will learn how to cooperate, work in functioning teams, approach problem solving effectively as well as reflect on their actions when positive discipline is implemented.

“Once I get past the triggers it is as easy as pie. I always felt that positive discipline was the right choice for my family but that doesn’t mean it is always easy. I struggled with it and still do. “It is difficult to get there especially when you are brainwashed in a different type of parenting, but with slow, simple steps and support, everyone can get there.

“Many parents are afraid of positive discipline because results are seen in the long term rather than in the now. People tend to think it is permissive which it is not. When you are using positive discipline you need to be kind but firm.”

Age should not hold a parent back as the basic approach of positive discipline is the same for children of any age. Yet Bugeja insists every child is different and parents would have to be equipped with different tools to tackle different situations.

“You will need lots of different tools in your parenting bag as no one tool will work all the time. You are not going to deal with a problem with a six year old the same as with a teenager.”

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