Last Thursday the media were taken on a tour of Malta’s first all-new 10-star hotel complex. Situated on the derelict site previously occupied by Paceville, The Galactica Palace hotel, spa, lifestyle complex and resort boasts 18 casinos, a supermarket, gin palace, kosher butcher, two 18-hole golf courses, tennis and squash courts kemm trid, gymnasium, branch of ‘Harrids’, fishmonger, dance academy, brothel, playschool, abattoir, cinema, personal helipad and crematorium.
We were escorted around the vast expanses of probably the most indecently luxurious resort complex in the Mediterranean... if not the world, by none other than Galactica International’s chairman Alfred Pistaccio. And truly, for this one particular media representative (me), it was a voyage of jaw-dropping opulence and excess.
Let’s start with the hotel accommodation: Each of the 250 suites – (The Galactica Palace doesn’t stoop to plain rooms) – has the following luxurious items as standard:
Not only are the bath taps made of solid gold, so are all the kitchen utensils in the fully equipped kitchen; as is the cutlery, as indeed are most of the kitchen fittings... right down to the garbage bin and the undersink plumbing.
The furniture in each suite’s expansive sitting room is antique Sheraton... updated with funkily coloured upholstery.
Each suite is also equipped with seven 42-inch plasma TV sets, all capable of receiving every satellite channel so far established on the planet.
Of course, every unit is also equipped with wi-fi throughout... broadband naturally.
Each one also contains an ATM – with a no-limit withdrawal policy, just in case the guests should require some small change to blow at one of the 18 casinos on the complex.
Beds are standard emperor-size four-posters, with shot Thai silk sheets and pillow cases.
All guests towels are monogrammed, enormous and eminently stealable... in fact, guests are positively encouraged to do so.
The furniture in each suite’s expansive sitting room is antique Sheraton... updated with funkily coloured upholstery
Other services include a masseuse – of either sex – available 24/7. Massages include Chinese, Thai, Japanese shiatsu, Hot bricks, Swedish, aromatherapy and sports – brutal.
Clients’ health is fully catered for, and the Galactica’s glossy brochure claims that: “Full medical facilities are available at our state-of-the-art infirmary – and our highly qualified team of surgeons will remove everything, from wrinkles to appendixes. Our dental clinic is among the most up-to-date in Europe and specialises in cosmetic dentistry and tooth pulling.”
On our tour we discovered that each unit has its own private jetty with mooring, and we were informed that for a ‘small’ extra fee, each client may have his or her own personal – fully crewed – yacht on standby for the duration of their stay.
Several entertainment complexes cater for everything from comedy to karaoke. There is even a rolling tumbla game, with amazing prizes ranging from Caribbean cruises to a fortnight in Butlins, Pwllheli.
And restaurants? Do they do restaurants? You’d better believe it; there are no fewer than 46 eateries, ranging from banqueting halls to bistros. Ethnically, you can sample everything from Burmese to burger bars.
The finest chefs – 12 Michelin starred – have been engaged to provide top-quality victuals at top-quality prices. Everything from fine dining to fenkatas.
In his address, Mr Pistaccio informed us that the Galactica complex is set to become the gourmand capital of the world... and beyond. Incidentally, the media refreshments at the end of the tour comprised a plate of pastizzi – which had finished when I went to get one – and a glass of lukewarm, cheap, pink fizz.
But hey! We’re only the press!
We were informed that already a host of world renowned personalities have booked stays at the Galactica – and these are said to include: Ali Semayaka, winner of Big Brother Malaysia 2014, well-known Icelandic basketball star Thor Wiedgalsson, global reggae superstar Winston Grant, and world-famous Costa Rican TV chef (well, world-famous in Costa Rica) Ramon Perez. My goodness! The paps are going to have a feast day.
To conclude his address to us, Mr Pistaccio said: “As you are aware, the Galactica Hotel group is in no fewer than 121 cities worldwide – and this Malta Galactica Palace resort is the jewel in our crown – and we want you, the media to let the world know that we are well and truly open for business. Pleeeease! Before all our creditors start suing us.”