Father’s Day came and went. As expected, Facebook was awash with messages for fathers, past and present. And ‘present’ is perhaps the operative word. After much deliberation, I’ve decided to write about absent fathers – not the dear departed ones but those who are still with us and very much alive.

The Facebook messages were mostly thematic variations on gratitude and affection, with especially profound thanks to fathers just for ‘being there’, both physically and financially. That got me thinking. For all the great strides that modern women have made as providers, fathers are still the default breadwinners.

Of course, this made me think too about those fathers who sadly would not be receiving greetings that day, and of the children – and this is sadder still –who would not be sending them.

Over the years, I have heard many stories about children who no longer have relationships with their fathers. They range from rejective fathers who have never laid eyes on their children to those who may make erratic appearances in their children’s lives with gifts but never following through. And of course there are those who, until separating from their wives, enjoyed perfectly happy relationships with their children and even received their fair share of greetings.

Fathers who don’t see their children usually justify that move by blaming their ex-partners or the children, and by somehow convincing themselves that they aren’t needed or wanted. And of course I do know of children who pointedly refuse, for reasons they alone know best, to have any kind of relationship with their fathers.

The whole subject is extremely complex and sensitive and a very challenging one to write about. No two stories are the same. Truth is always relative and it is distorted anywhere between mild bias and extreme bitterness. Even so, I am going to take the bull by the horns.

Before I let rip... I do know that there are a great many decent men out there who have been misjudged and misunderstood by the system and who may therefore feel hard done by and understandably insulted by an article which seems to throw all absent fathers into the same basket of rotten apples. But the fact remains that there are a great many children who suffer irreparable damage through recalcitrant fathers – and I’m going to put them first.

I think it is very important that fathers understand just how very important they are, even if, in the aftermath of separations, they are frequently relegated to weekend parenthood. Naturally, a father who is only afforded a few hours of access time a week can’t ever compete with a mother who is there 24/7. Even so, children are painfully aware of the lengths and sacrifices mothers go through and want their mothers’ work validated and acknowledged.

Fathers should be fathers. No buts or excuses. Fathers need to ‘man up’ to the role

Mothers have a natural and unswerving commitment to their children. They are generally more amenable to balancing family life with work and can make the necessary compromises. But restricting fathers’ access to their children doesn’t do anyone any favours, least of all children.

It creates a form of contributory negligence. It also lets fathers off the hook and creates a culture of dead-beat dads, which ultimately makes for unhappy, dysfunctional families and children who grow up resentful because they see less and less of their fathers. Fathers have got to try to rise above this, even if the courts don’t. Easier said than done.

Even at the best of times, fathers are a rarer breed. Growing up, my father worked a longish day and was an ‘After Eight’ kind of father. I was secretly proud of the fact that he was not around because he was working and making money for the family – to me it demonstrated just how much he cared. Facebook last Sunday confirmed that I am not unique in this.

Money – that five letter word – is of course at the root of so many disputes. After all, people routinely sacrifice three quarters of their lives to make it. Why? Maybe because the bottom line in life is always financial. Like it or not, money is important. As one of E. M. Forster’s heroines said, way back in 1910, ‘Money pads the edges of things’. Never was a truer word spoken.

So today I’m here to tell fathers about money and love. And I’m daring to suggest that they are not chalk and cheese but very much connected. Not only does money create opportunities in today’s world, it also demonstrates and expresses just how much we value someone.

Unsurprisingly, money is usually the common denominator in these sad stories. It is never easy having a relationship with a physically absent father, but his money does at least pad the edges. A child is more inclined to forgive a father’s absenteeism if he is honouring his financial responsibilities. But when the money stops, that child will draw their own line. Fathers erroneously want to believe that it’s the mother who draws the line. How very wrong they are.

Financial commitment is very much part and parcel of parenthood. Children are not raised on thin air. Food on the table, education, a roof and life’s daily needs – they are part of the equation. Children do eventually equate a father’s lack of financial support with lack of love. If everyone else’s father pays but mine, then something must be wrong with me. That’s the logic

And fathers who view this simply as money-grabbing are the most hypocritical and short-sighted of all. Financial support makes all the difference to a child’s life. And we’re not just talking opportunities and education. We’re talking psychological well-being.

Fathers therefore need to know that, although €500-odd a month won’t make that much difference to their – or their ex-wives’ – existences, they do make a great difference to a child’s self-esteem and self-worth.

Fathers should be fathers. No buts or excuses. Fathers need to ‘man up’ to the role.

michelaspiteri@gmail.com

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