Most children often worry about what is to happen to their parents as they get older and become less independent. The decision as to whether one is able to care for the parents is often tough to take. This was not the case for Veronica Calleja, who tells Claire Caruana all about her experience caring for her elderly father Colin.

As she welcomed me into her home, Veronica, smiling from cheek to cheek, was eager to start talking about her father, who passed away four years ago. While she admits she does tear up on occasion, she insists she never misses an opportunity to reminisce about him and their relationship.

“My relationship with my father was very, very good. I was, as they say, his fessuda (daddy’s girl). Our relationship was great.”

After Veronica’s mother died seven years ago, Colin struggled with living alone and felt everything in his life was over. This is when Veronica and her sister intervened and decided it would be best he went to live with them so as not to be alone.

“At first, we thought it best he went to live with my sister but she lives in Mellieħa and my father had always lived here, in Mosta.

“The change was a bit too much for him and he preferred coming to live with me so he could be back in Mosta,” says Veronica.

At the time, he was 72 and all was fine. One evening in August, while the family was having a BBQ on the roof, Colin fainted.

“We called the doctor and everything. He had tests done and it resulted that my dad had leukaemia. That’s when everything really started.”

When Colin first moved in with Veronica, he was very independent and even helped his daughter with house chores.

After Veronica’s mother died seven years ago, Colin struggled with living alone and felt everything in his life was over

“He used to go to their house every day, open the windows, water the plants and take the dog with him. He would even drive up to Mellieħa himself to visit my sister. Dad would also buy the groceries for me, as I was still working at the time and could use the extra help.”

Veronica says living with her father, whom she had not lived with for over 20 years, was just lovely and points out even though she has her own family, she considered getting to live with her father a treat.

“I am lucky enough to say that even my husband was very close with my father. My daughter meant the world to him. So it was no problem for us, it was a very happy time for everyone.

“He even had a dog and he brought him along. We have a dog as well, and even the dogs got along really well,” quips Veronica with a smile.

She admits she did have to change her daily routine, especially as her father’s health took a turn for the worse.

“My routine changed completely. In fact, I had to stop working. At the beginning, when he was still very independent I used to work. I was fortunate enough that I worked mornings which meant that by 2pm I was back home. At the time this was good enough as he wouldn’t be alone all day.

“But when dad was diagnosed I had to stop working. I could not leave him alone.”

Veronica insists she took the decision to stop working willingly. She knew her father would rather be in Mosta and so, with help and support from both her husband and her daughter, she decided that quitting her job would allow her to take care of him even better.

“At that time we were always in hospital, going back and forth, we were practically living there. We used to only spend a day or two at home. As I said, I was very lucky that my husband was always very supportive. He never complained.

“At that time I took up caring for my father full time. Even on Sundays, we used to go to Mass at Mater Dei, together with dad, who would come down to Mass with us, and we would spend Sunday at hospital with him.”

Having to care for an elderly father also means having to help him dress and sometimes even bathe. Being a carer, Veronica is used to bathing older patients, but when it came to her father, she admits this was quite a challenge, especially in the beginning.

“I have had the experience of washing patients, so it wasn’t really a problem. Still, your father is your father. At first it was a bit tough. Growing up, my father would always be in a shorts and a vest, always.

“But eventually you get used to it. Yes, it’s an uncomfortable situation, but you make the sacrifice for your father,” she insists.

Yet the hardest feat for Veronica was when her father would lose his appetite as soon as she placed food in front of him. “To tell you the truth, I sometimes feel guilty about this, because there were times when I would shout at him,” admits Veronica.

“Dad, why aren’t you eating when you know that if you eat you can be better? Dad eat… Dad eat…,” I would say.

“I would go on endlessly and that wasn’t easy. It was very frustrating.

I used to get angry, not because I took the time to cook the food and he wouldn’t eat it, but because not eating made things worse.

“This was the only thing I could not help my father with, and that was very frustrating.”

Veronica says she felt most overwhelmed when her father’s health was becoming increasingly worse.

“My father passed away in November and from September, his situation became really bad. We had help from Hospice at the time. I don’t drive and so when we had to go to hospital, eventually Hospice used to take us to the hospital. Hospice helped with transport and we were very grateful because my husband would take us most of the time but he wasn’t always able to take days off and when he wasn’t available, Hospice drove us back and forth.

“During that time, I really started giving up. I would ask God to help me. You see him suffering and that is hard, but I wasn’t selfish and I would trust in God to do what’s best.”

It was a unique experience, tough, but unique and if I had to do it all over again, I most definitely would

Colin lived longer than doctors had expected him to and they attributed this to the care he received from his daughters.

“They would tell us that dad was lucky because our care really did have an effect on him. That, for us, is satisfaction enough.

“Although I still cry when I think of dad, it’s because I miss him terribly not because of any regrets and that’s a great feeling. I feel that whatever he wanted, we gave him.”

Veronica says she is not sure whether this experience has made her a stronger woman or not. She works with cancer patients and so, in every patient, she sees the suffering endured by her father.

“I am a very sensitive person and I was very much affected by my father’s struggles, so I cannot say whether I am stronger or not, but at least I had the courage to not give up when things were really bad.”

Veronica has two very special memories of the time her father lived with her. The first, she says was when she would take him to the village square to meet his friends.

“We had a wheelchair and on Friday at around 4pm we used to enjoy going down to the Mosta square. We would do some errands, maybe go to the stationery or things like that. We’d stay there for a couple of hours and he would meet all his friends.

“We both really loved those few hours when it was just the two of us. Then we used to go have a coffee and a cheesecake, something like that, but he used to really enjoy it,” reminisces Veronica.

On the occasions when her father was allowed to leave the hospital for a few hours, Veronica would ask him what place he wanted to visit and, sat on his wheelchair, Veronica and her family would take him wherever he wanted.

“That’s another memory of that time I truly cherish. He would really enjoy those trips. We took him to Marsaxlokk, where he used to work, we took him to Buġibba…we took him all over.

“And now every time I go to these places, I think of the times we took him there. It puts a smile on my face because he really enjoyed those moments,” says Veronica.

Dropping everything to care for a parent may not be a viable option for everyone but Veronica insists it’s all worth the sacrifice.

“Obviously, everybody knows what their financial situation is. To leave your job, especially after all that studying, is difficult. But there is great satisfaction when you care for your parents to the very last moments. It’s tough, seeing your parents fall ill.

“But if you can do it, go for it, because it’s something you will never forget. After all, when you think of how they were there for everything, from your first words, first steps, to when you grow up and have your own family, it’s very rewarding that then, when they need your help, they find you.

“It was a unique experience, tough, but unique and if I had to do it all over again, I most definitely would.”