A new baby brings a number of changes. Psychotherapist Charles Azzopardi tells Claire Caruana this period of adjustment can be stressful for the father too.

When a baby is born, a lot of attention often shifts entirely to the baby, with many mothers spending every waking moment focusing on the care of her baby. Many new fathers believe it’s not their place to interrupt this special time in the life of both the mother and baby.

Azzopardi, who works with families going through some form struggle, says after the birth of a baby, the father may not be given the attention he deserves, even though he too is going through a period of adjustment.

“Fathers often tend to be neglected both during pregnancy and after the birth of the baby. This is an enormous shame as the father can give a lot during this time and can provide a lot which mothers cannot,” says Azzopardi.

“Most of the time we tend to focus on the relationship between the mother and her baby without taking into consideration the child’s relationship with the father and its importance. The father-baby bond is different from the mother-baby bond. Not better or worse.”

Biologically, babies may need more of their mother, especially in the first few months and years but Azzopardi says socially, they need the father just as much. The role of the father should not be side-lined as it is just as significant to the development of the baby as that of the mother.

Azzopardi points out that neglect of the father will not only impact the baby but is often also detrimental to the parents’ relationship.

“Fathers tend to feel that they cannot disturb the mother and child bond, because they have come to believe that it is more special than that between the father and the baby.

Fathers tend to feel that they cannot disturb the mother and child bond

“In such cases they may choose to distance themselves from it, feeling unentitled to complain about their loss and loneliness.

“This is why this time is particularly vulnerable for marital relationships. The more fathers are allowed to involve themselves with the baby and the new mother, the less likely they are to feel distant”.

“You can tell a father is feeling distant through detachment in communication ,” says Azzopardi.

“Bringing children first, before even the sexual partner that helped the mother bear the baby, is one of the grossest mistakes novel mothers and fathers do.”

While the suffering of the father is not the same as the mother’s − fathers do not suffer post-natal blues in the biological sense as women do − men often suffer by proxy especially when they see their partner is suffering and feel helpless and unable to do anything which could improve the situation.

“A new father may face a number of difficulties including isolation, distance, and loneliness. It’s a double-bind really, as one feels one cannot even complain about it.”

Men who are going through such a phase may find it best to try and involve themselves, both with the baby and as well as the mother.

“Invite your partner out for dinner, without the baby of course. Make time to be with baby alone which is a respite for the mother too. Create time to be with mum and baby, play, talk, do activities, but be present.

“It’s also very important for a father to speak up if he feels that he is going through such a phase, rather than letting the frustration build up inside.”

Azzopardi also urges fathers to learn about what he might be able to help with during the labour as this not only serves as support to the mother but also keeps him involved throughout the process.

“Be aware of whatever you need to be doing to help out during the delivery so you can be prepared. Most importantly, always discuss any thoughts with your partner.”