A clerical civil servant is furtively dialing a number on his desk phone.

“Oh hello, is that the um... the Whistleblowing Centre?”

(Recorded message) “Grazzi talli ċempilt iċ-Ċentru tal Whistleblowing. Biex tkompli bil-Malti... agħfas in-numru wieħed. If you wish to spik in Inglish... press two... In Afrikaans... press three... Serbo Croat... press four. Or – if you don’t wish to spik at all, but merely want to breathe heavily down the line... press five.”

(He presses two): “You are now in de main menu, where we have four options for you: For billing and payment... press one. If you require technical assistance... press two. If you wish to blow the gaff on some heinous crime perpetrated by the previous administration... press three. Or if you wish to take a chance and see if your front door is fireproof, in order to sneak on someone in today’s gvern... press four.”

(He presses three): “You have reached the whistleblowing facility number three... repeat – number three. Please leave your name and contact number before proceeding with your complaint. But don’t start moaning until you hear the bleep. Or hold the line and wait for further assistance.”

(Here follows an interminably long wait, accompanied by a flat and tuneless version of Summertime. Eventually a human voice comes on the line): “Ullo.”

“Oh hello, erm... I’d like to speak to someone in authority.”

“Oo are you?”

“Erm... that’s just it. I’m phoning to blow the whistle on gross malpractice in the Ministry for Comino – and I will therefore divulge my identity only to someone in authority.”

(Long pause on the line): “What you want?”

“I would like... to speak to your superior please.”

(Even longer pause): “Who you want spik with?”

“I don’t know names, but I want to speak to somebody about a problem.”

“Problim? What problim?”

“I’m um – not prepared to... look, is there someone there I can talk to about a problem... a private problem.”

“Hole dee line.”

(Interminable pause and more Summertime schmuzak): “Ullo.”

“Oh hello; to whom am I speaking please?”

“Leli.”

“Um right, er... I’m ringing from the Ministry for Comino and I would like to impart some information on erm, well... some bad practices, under the previous government and... well, wrongdoing at this ministry.”

(Shortish pause): “Hole dee line.”

From what the Prime Minister was reported as saying, whistleblowers will be guaranteed discretion and anonymity

(Pause lasting all of two minutes and 23 seconds): “Ullo.”

“Oh hello... that is the Whistleblowing Centre, isn’t it?”

“Ehe.”

“So... are you the person I should be talking to regarding malpractice and frankly, corruption within the Ministry for Comino?”

(Long pause): “Ehe.”

“And your name is?”

“Leli.”

“You’re not the same person I was speaking to a moment ago are you?”

“No... I different Leli.”

“And presumably one who is competent to deal with the, er... whistle I wish to blow?”

“Ehe.”

“Good, excellent... you see I – ”

“Name?”

“Name? Is that necessary? From what the Prime Minister was reported as saying, whistleblowers will be guaranteed discretion and anonymity. So I – ”

“Name!”

“Um OK... it’s Bonaparte – Napoleon Bonaparte.”

“One ‘t’ right?”

“Right, now – ”

“That name sounds strangely familiar. Are you any relation to Manuel Bonaparte?”

“Quite possibly; now you see I have it on good authority that – ”

“Because Manuel is second kuġin to me. So you is forsi relations for me, is it?”

“Erm, well, yes... quite likely.”

“He is a good boy ta... Manuel, mhux veru?”

“Whatever you say. Now will you hear my whistleblow?”

“In a moment. One last question... who did you vote for in the last election?”

“Why on earth do you need to know that?”

“Because I only listen to you if you voted for us eh.”

“Well then, yes, I voted for you.”

“Which is who?”

“The winning party, of course.”

“Which is?”

“The government.”

“Red or blue?”

“Um... um bl – red.”

“Correct.”

“Now will you hear my whistle?”

“No, sorry it’s time for my break. Try again later. Have a nice day.”