Step-mothers are always depicted as the evil ones in any equation.

In the latest Cinderella film by Disney, Cate Blanchett depicts an evil stepmother with icy assurance. She follows a long tradition of portraying mother substitutes as being scheming meanies, from the Queen in Shakespeare’s Cymbeline to the fairy tale of Snow White. The concept of the evil stepmother is ancient, but as modern media continues to perpetuate the myth, today’s real life stepmothers can be left feeling as if the odds of a happy household are stacked against them.

Once upon a myth

In Roman legends, the saeva noverca (evil or cruel stepmother) is a classic character. Shakespeare added fuel to the flames by making Cymbeline’s second wife into a plotting murderer. And then came Grimm’s fairytales, leading us into a deep, dark forest of malevolent ersatz matriarchs and clearing a trail for Disney to trot out endless repetitions of the same character.

It may be that this stepmother myth came about in part because second families were often born of sadness and trauma. In the past, people became second wives because the first had died. Hence the original mother was sacrosanct, while the new wife had to cope with a life of drudgery looking after the kids. Little wonder that occasionally these poor women came over a teensy bit wicked. Yet far from having fellow feeling for them, we demonise them in literature.

There’s no magic potion to make being a stepmother child’s play

And if you think that these fables are irrelevant, think again. Pamela Brown Rutledge says. “Stories have always been a primal form of communication. They are timeless links to ancient traditions. They transcend generations, and they connect us to others… Stories are how we are wired.” Hearing stories influences how society (and particularly children) perceive stepmothers.

In her book The Evil Stepmother Speaks, Barbara Goldberg says that understanding this means confronting the fact that, “the evil stepmother is real to many people. As a result, it is socially acceptable to hate the stepmum. In fact, I think it might be fun to dislike us”.

Goldberg thinks that stepmother myths are so powerful that they pull our modern world back into the confines of a fairy tale. “We are portrayed as greedy, insensitive women. In most movies and stories, we have made cruelty an art form.”

In fact, as Goldberg points out, far from making you rich, marrying a man who already has children can often leave women struggling for money, as fathers have to pay alimony and child support. And the stepmother is much more likely to become the Cinderella of the tale than the step kids are, given that she’s likely to be cleaning, cooking, washing and organising several little and not-so-little people.

In reality, the step -mother is more likely to become the Cinderella of the house, trapped in an endless cycle of cleaning and caring.

Silent stepmothers

The problem is that this narrative about stepmothers is not one that anyone is anxious to hear. Stories of countless hours invested in stepchildren only to be met with what Goldberg calls “resistance and bitterness” while fending off complaining, poisoning ex wives doesn’t fit into our traditional tales.

We aren’t hardwired to hear about exhausted, stressed step mums feeling like a failure as they try to join a family that won’t let them in. We want to hear about wicked stepmothers instead. And, of course, some do exist. But so do hurt, confused and angry stepchildren and fathers who spoil their children because they only see them at the weekends. Their behaviour can be ruinous to a relationship and to a woman’s self esteem.

That’s rarely acknowledged, especially in literature, where tradition dictates that in a second family setting, it’s the children who have it bad. The very word ‘stepchild’ is steeped in victimhood, defined in the Webster-Merriam dictionary as “someone or something that does not receive enough care or attention’. It’s harder to find any tales told from the perspective of the stepmother herself.

That might be about to change, because step-parenting is the new normal when it comes to families. The US Bureau of Census states that approximately 1,300 new step-families are created in the US every day. Statistics suggest that 60 per cent of those marriages will fail, and it is likely that part of that is due to the stresses of raising stepchildren. That’s an awful lot of stepmother stories we aren’t hearing. And while the figures in Malta are nowhere near that high, there are still plenty of women living with their partner’s children.

Almost every stepmum has felt like you do and done awful things because they’d been pushed to the brink of insanity

Evil spell of failure

Most women are not inherently wicked, nor do they wish to destroy their stepkids. It’s just that there are simply so many ways to fail at the loaded role of stepmother.

Rachelle Katz is a therapist and author of ‘stepsforstepmothers. com’. She says that when stepmothers complain, their emotions are often rejected. People retort, “You knew he had kids when you married him”. She goes on: “Many of the stepmothers I have worked with have felt unappreciated, overburdened and misunderstood... Before contacting me, many of these women had suffered in silence.”

She adds: “Despite the challenges we stepmothers face, the role receives little acknowledgement or support from others. Our efforts to form close relationships with our step kids and to take care of their physical and emotional needs … are largely overlooked by others.”

How to skip to the happy ending

Katz notes that it’s easier to succeed as a stepmother when you have a supportive spouse, a cooperative ex, a sensible approach to discipline from all parties and when you join the family while the children are at particular developmental stages.

Of course, not all of those stars align for everyone. When they don’t, it’s important not to become what one author coined a ‘step-martyr’, the flip side to a ‘step-monster’. The step-martyr is a cooler, more permissive version of the step-mum, who never complains and is always cheery. Unless you’re truly a saint, you won’t be able to keep it up, at least not without severe psychological damage to yourself.

Instead of martyring yourself on the altar of the step kids (and yes, they probably would be happy if you just laid down and died there), you need to start talking.

Not to them. Oh no, staying mum is a magic spell when it comes to stepkids, at least when it comes to your feelings. No, you need to talk to friends; or a therapist; to other stepmothers that you know; to stepmothers on the bus; heck, join a website if you can’t find anyone else and talk online. Just talk.

Because here’s a secret fairytale clue. You might feel like the worst step mum in the world and want to avoid talking about what you see as your hideous failings in just about every parenting department, but as soon as you start to discuss the subject, you’ll discover that you are not alone.

Almost every step mum has felt like you do and done awful things because they’d been pushed to the brink of insanity by the stress of step-relations.

And yes, they’ve been ashamed afterwards too.

Once you realise that what you’re feeling is common, normal even, everything will seem easier (comparatively – this isn’t an actual fairytale and no prince will come to sweep you to a convenient happy place. But you’ll feel better).

The kids didn’t want you to be their stepmother… but you need to recognise that you didn’t choose them either. You chose their dad. And now you are all lumbered with each other, for better or, quite possibly, for worse.

Karen Annarino sums up the dilemma in her book Stepmothers and Stepdaughters, saying: “The keys to successful step-parenting are learning to let go, learning not to mother, and learning not to complain.

“The stepmother must maintain a neutral position, yet still be loving and supportive, while also establishing appropriate behavioural boundaries. To say that stepmothers have a fine line to walk is an understatement.”

There’s no magic potion to make being a stepmother child’s play. But grit your teeth, think of your husband.

And, perhaps, you’ll get to a land where stepmothers are no longer evil, there’s no place like home and if you click your heels, you start to feel slightly more like a fairy godmother. Sometimes.