You can never be prepared enough to become a mum. Four new mothers tell Veronica Stivala about what the books told them and about what it was really like to become a mother for the first time.

“A smile is all it takes”

Mum: Lara Vella
Child: Francesco
Born: 27 January 2015

While Lara Vella does refer to books for reassurance and for advice, she says taking care of a baby involves a lot of fumbling, awkward moments and mistakes. “Every day is a learning experience and each mother will experience it in her own way.”

Dealing with the all the drastic changes in your life is the toughest, she says. “At one point you start feeling that you are a different person and that your life before the baby is a sweet and distant memory.”

Lara is open to advice because she feels you can always learn something new. However, she gets a bit annoyed when the advice is given in a patronising manner. Her solution? Smile and then do things her way.

While during the first few weeks she could not function well because she was so sleep deprived, as the weeks passed Lara seemed to get used to snatching a few hours of precious sleep. “I cannot say that I am not constantly feeling tired,” she acknowledges, “but things feel a bit better with each week that passes.”

“Experiencing motherhood could not have been such a wonderful experience were it not for the constant support offered by my amazing husband,” says Lara. “He takes very good care of me and makes sure that I want of nothing.” She is also very grateful for the support of their parents that helped them to cope with this experience so far.

Of course, “a smile after a sleepless night is all it takes to forget all about the negative aspects”.

Her advice? Be prepared for changes in your life that will require you to be flexible, patient and strong. Never refuse any help. This is not the time to be proud. And make sure that you focus on the beautiful moments rather than on the negative ones.

“Just put socks on his feet”

Mum: Franica Pulis
Child: Ġużé
Born: 14 January 2014

You can never be prepared enough, says Franica Pulis. Becoming a mother is “a new role that evolves day by day with your child and you have to re-adapt many times”.

While she was still pregnant, a friend had warned the worst thing about having a baby is the amount of useless advice you receive without asking for it. The worst are those said arrogantly like, “just put socks on his feet”, while Franica was busily preparing her wailing son his bottle.

“They take you by surprise and are thrown at you without giving you the chance to react. Most of the time they are genuinely said and I just smile at them and move on.”

Carrying baby in a sling helped her have both hands free, make him sleep more and work around the disastrous pavements. For her “sanity’s sake”, Franica remained active in the theatre and still meets her mummy friends on a weekly basis: “It helps you feel less lonely and have a scope in your life other than caring for your baby and the house.”

Of course, all the sleepless nights pale into insignificance when Ġużé smiles when he comes to show Franica an object he found, or when she hears “his laugh when someone plays peek-a-boo with him, his frequent hugs, the way he says mama and papa, and how he is making me re-discover the world that I know”.

When it comes to giving advice, Franica acknowledges that every child is different and each parent reacts differently. “It is up to you to make the best out of every moment and not worry too much about everything,” she says.

“It’s a tough one but at a certain point children will settle in some sort of sleep routine and that is when you can find yourself again, take that much-needed shower or simply eat with both hands. When people offer help, just take it, whatever it is (and if it makes sense to take it)”.

"The most unconditional love"

Mum: Christine Borg
Child: Nina
Born: 18 June 2014

More practical than most things Christine Borg had read, was the information given out during the Parent Craft sessions held at Mater Dei Hospital. After Nina was born, Christine consulted the Breastfeeding Clinic, as well as the Parent Craft Centre. She also looked forward to the postnatal home visits by midwives and nurses, during which she could voice her concerns.

Her biggest challenge is to keep up with some friends who have still not experienced this life-changing transition. “Besides this,” she adds, “is the often-present self-doubt as to whether I am giving my daughter the best I can.”

It took some time for Christine to learn how to cope with so many people telling her what they think is best for Nina, but she has now learnt to listen to everyone then simply do whatever suits her, not because she is an expert, but because everyone’s experience is different.

While a ‘normal’ sleep was initially off the cards, Christine is slowly managing a better sleeping routine. “It might be a good idea to sleep while the baby sleeps,” she says, but she would rather get something done or meet up with some friends and simply accept the feeling of tiredness.

Planning ahead is the key to getting most things done. Setting out clear roles for Christine and her husband has helped them in the transition to parenthood.

“Giving life to a painting, being responsible for a project, caring for others… these all give feelings of utmost fulfilment. Giving life to one’s own children, not only on the day they are born, but every day by giving them one’s time, is one of the most intrinsically rewarding things one can possibly experience,” says Christine.

“A mother’s love is often the most unconditional love one will ever experience – being the one on the giving side of this relationship while looking at my daughter’s serene smile fills me with an inexplicable joy.”

Christine advises new mothers like herself to ‘live’ every moment, be they good or bad; be it the ecstatic warmth that fills your heart as you hold your precious bundle, as well as the panic you experience at the thought of yet another sleepless night. “If negative feelings start leading to passivity in all areas of your life, seek professional help.”

“One-foot tall hugs”

Mum: Giselle McKenna
Child: Tom
Born: 2 February 2014

Nothing prepares you, says Gisele McKenna. “The feelings of awe and doubt that flood your mind once you have a baby are surreal and everything that you thought of as ‘common sense’ or ‘obvious’ will not seem so obvious once you have to take decisions for a helpless little baby that is relying on you for everything.”

The tough stuff? Breast feeding. “It hurts like nothing I’ve ever experienced and no one ever tells you that. So along with doubt there is also guilt. And let’s not forget the unsettled hormones,” says Gisele.

Even though everyone has an opinion, listen to it all but retain only what you agree with, advises Gisele.

Interrupted sleep is tough and Gisele envies those mothers whose babies started sleeping through the night at three or four months. Fourteen on and her still wakes up twice a night. “It’s good to have a supply of caffeine and carbs around the house,” she confides. “To hell with diets; survival takes precedence.”

Praise to all grandparents who take care of their grandkids, like her mother, says Gisele. “If it weren’t for her, it wouldn’t have been easy going back to work because I didn’t like any of the daycares that I went to see.”

Waking up to babbling, hearing “mama mama”, listening to giggles and laughter from your child – those are all little instances that no one can fully explain just how precious they are. “When you have a one-foot tall little person hugging your knees with such innocence and love, it just makes your day better,” says Gisele.

And don’t worry about things like showering, doing your hair or putting on make-up for the first week – just make sure you eat well and your baby is healthy advises Gisele. If people offer help, accept it. And if people want to visit you, say no if you’re not up to it, or ensure they wait on you and not the other way around. “Hold your baby as much as you can. Forget about chores and just sit with your baby and breathe in their beautiful baby smell, and relax.”