What happens when it’s your own mother who needs help, and how does one juggle this new responsibility together with a job and looking after your own children? Helen Raine puts the question to one mother who is going through this experience.

With women waiting longer before they have children, many find that, just as their time is being squeezed by their children, their own mothers start to need care. Looking after two generations at once is a major challenge that can leave women feeling trapped and resentful as time with the kids and me-time gets squeezed out by mum.

Labelled the ‘sandwich generation’, these women are pulled from all sides. They are trying to earn a living but either the kids or their parents need help, which means time off from work. The house is a disaster, they’ve no time to exercise and it feels as if they are hitting the wall. It’s thought that up to 10 per cent of women are in this position.

Vicky* is one of those women. Her mother was seriously ill for a year and has now suffered a further setback, which has left her reliant on the help of others. She describes how it has affected her.

Has it been difficult to have the roles of parent and child reversed?

Luckily, my father is still a very active man so he does a lot of the home care, but I provide support wherever possible. I wouldn’t say that the difficulty is in the reversal of roles - I think that’s just something you get on with. If anything, the difficulty depends on the patient in question and time.

My mum isn’t a good patient. She’s quite a negative person so she gets down very easily and it’s difficult (and at times frustrating) to deal with that.

During her first illness, she was sure she had cancer although doctors were consistently telling her she didn’t. In fact, she didn’t.

She did have something very serious, but it was totally curable after two operations. Anyway, she was and still is a smoker, something that annoys me till today.

How has having to care for your mum impacted your family life at home?

The impact on family life is significant because of time. A situation like this lessens your quality time with your immediate family and adds stress to the day.

How have the rest of your family handled your absence?

My husband is a star and very supportive so he was fine with the situation and helped out too. First time round, my son wasn’t on the scene, but he is now.

And the worst thing for me in this, from a selfish perspective, is that when I go to see my mum after work, it means I lose out on playtime with my son, which is already very limited during the week.

How have you managed to handle the additional work?

To be honest, this time around, I tried not to take on too much. She’s not sick, just not mobile, so she can also do things for herself. My help has mostly focused on company and doing wash loads for them.

Your situation is hopefully temporary – can you imagine dealing with it on a long-term basis?

In my case, I wouldn’t be able to deal with this on a long-term basis. That’s mostly due to the characters involved.

I’ve always had a difficult relationship with my father, which is now non-existent out of choice and I find my mother’s negativity very hard to deal with.

So, in the long run, if my parents needed full time care, I wouldn’t be able to be the one providing it.

Anything you’ve learned from the experience?

Yes – it really is a case of ‘you reap what you sow’. What I mean is, looking at my son for example, it’s all the more clear that if I want to be a long-term, happy presence in his life, I have to build that from now.

I definitely won’t expect him to be around to help me in my old years if I haven’t had a happy and positive relationship with him till then.

Help is out there. If you feel like there’s no way out of the parent/kid trap, therapist Paula Banks of www.empoweringparents.com has some advice; she wants you to take a breath and make a plan.

Press the pause button. Banks asks clients, ‘Is anyone in immediate danger?’ If not, it’s not a crisis. That doesn’t mean the situation is not serious, but there is time to consider calmly how to handle the situation.

Let go of guilt. Banks describe it as a useless emotion. Forget what has happened in the past and instead, look at where you need support or assistance now.

Ask for help and say yes when it’s offered. Whether it’s asking your Church community to provide meals for your parent, asking the school to recommend a counsellor for your child or asking the neighbour to watch your kids once a week so you can take grandma to an appointment, half a dozen minor gifts of assistance will help you out a lot. The government offers handyman services, meals-on-wheels, home-help and other services; don’t be afraid to talk to social services if you think that your mum would benefit.

Make ‘me’ time; it’s easy to get caught up in the grind of doing things for others, but you need time out if you’re going to be able to keep it up while saving your sanity. Banks says; “Schedule respite into your calendar”. She suggests meeting a good friend for coffee, taking a book to the beach, or going shopping and adds,“Build this into your plan of action because by doing so, you will be healthier physically and emotionally”. If there’s no-one to watch grandma, you need to find someone.

Consult your child. Kids will often surprise you if you talk to them honestly about the problems that you are having. They might be able to help out with grandma by keeping her company or making her breakfast.