Interview room number four at Police HQ, Floriana:
Present: Detective Superintendent Martin Carachi Montebello, Constable Jesmond Decleppo Paris, Dr George Sciberras Degabrielle LLD, Mr Gianni Merceica Plonk.
Interrogation of Mr Merceica Plonk, in the presence of his lawyer, Dr Sciberras Degabrielle.
Date: April 3, 2015.
Time: 10.16am
D.S. Carachi Montebello: “Gianni, you know why we arrested you, right?”
Dr Sciberras Degabrielle: “No, if you wish to charge my client please make us aware of the charges against him.”
D.S.: “Certainly. They are that on or before the date of your arrest, you did importune electric power from the Sicily interconnector in order to provide energy for a number of electrical appliances at your illegally established so-called boathouse, the address of which is Mon Repos, 127 Gonzi Boulevard, Armier Bay.
“These appliances comprised: Complete illumination of the interior of said illegal dwelling and full exterior floodlighting of the same premises. Plus the following appliances: five flat-screen TV sets, three freezers, two refrigerators, one eight-burner double oven electric cooker, three electric water heaters of varying wattage, one dishwasher, seven electric fans, four electric radiators, two portable air conditioning units, three laptop computers, three games consoles, two insect exterminators and one steam iron; All of which are being fuelled illegally and with no revenue accruing to the government by way of electricity bills.”
He was taking a direct feed of power from the newly installed Malta-Sicily interconnector
Dr Sciberras Degabrielle: “With respect, all this is hearsay and no evidence exists to back it up.”
D.S.: “With equal respect, we have testimony from... as it were... the horse’s mouth.”
Dr Sciberras Degabrielle: “Explain.”
D.S.: Of course. All these details came to light when my colleague, Constable Jesmond Decleppo Paris, went on an undercover mission to visit the accused. Will you enlighten us please, constable?”
Constable Jesmond Decleppo Paris: “Yes sure. Rumours had been circulating for some time that the accused had an inordinately brightly lit illegal property. In fact we have on file a complaint from Nasa in Florida that whenever the orbiting space lab passes over the Maltese islands, the astronauts on board are obliged to wear dark glasses, to protect them from the glare emitting from the Mr Merceica Plonk’s illegal property. I was therefore ordered by my superior officer to visit the accused at his illegal ‘boathouse’ to ascertain exactly what was going on.
“I met the accused at 11pm, sitting outside his illegal dwelling, sipping a beer and reading a newspaper by the light of his illegally installed floodlights. He greeted me cheerily, handed me a Heineken from his portable fridge and under my gentle promptings, began to open up on the subject of his equally illicit electricity super-supply.
“When I enquired how on earth he managed to harness so many gigawatts of electrical power in one place, by way of explanation he said that he was taking a direct feed of power from the newly installed Malta-Sicily interconnector. This had been made possible by Mr Merceica Plonk’s cousin Alfred who, although not a qualified electrician, did nonetheless have the extensive experience of 13 months employment as a driver for Enemalta.
“The accused informed me that his cousin Alfred merely attached a set of jump leads to the interconnector in Magħtab, then ran an illicit wire up the coast to Armier and into his cousin’s illegal ‘boathouse’. As simple as that.”
At this point D.S. Martin Carachi Montebello informed everyone present that in the upcoming case against the accused, the attorney general would almost certainly be demanding a custodial sentence for Mr Merceica Plonk.
At which point Dr Sciberras Degabrielle stated: “My client and I feel that that would be inappropriate, since it was the current government’s stated policy to encourage, not penalise, enterprise, and what could be more enterprising than having both the initiative and the chutzpah to harness a bountiful power source, emanating from one of our closest EU neighbours.”
In further mitigation of his actions, the accused opined that: “I feel I have done nothing wrong. But if the court does find me guilty, at least I will still have the satisfaction of knowing that last Christmas my display of Santa plus reindeers lit up over my boathouse, plus my 12-metre glowing Christmas tree, won outright the Mellieħa and districts decorated house contest... so there!”