Couples often do not realise that a kind word or a gentle hug can make a world of difference and contribute to a happier relationship, according to Angela Abela.

Her research on married couples in Malta demonstrates that the issue of affection appears to be the greatest source of disagreement between husbands and wives.

Angela Abela is overseeing research into couple relationships in Malta. Photo: Matthew Mirabelli

“Women tend to want their partner to ‘show’ more affection and men want to feel loved too. When one feels validated and appreciated in the relationship, it enhances self-esteem and provides a secure base on which to build confidence,” Prof. Abela, head of the Department of Family Studies within the Faculty for Social Wellbeing at the University of Malta, said.

She cautioned that the media often presents an over-romanticised portrayal of affection. Advertising, in particular, has a money-driven agenda that thrives on the need to be loved.

“If you have a secure relationship, chances are you don’t necessarily look at the media as your point of reference. However, the media can have a negative impact on vulnerable people who feel they have a bad relationship because happy couples in movies are always embracing or because advertising portrays couples at their best receiving costly gifts,” she said.

Prof. Abela is overseeing a research project exploring the significance of the couple within Maltese families.

The study will fill a gap in the Maltese context by shedding light on the ways in which the couple relationship is experienced and valued by people in different life situations: people in a long- or short-term relationship, single individuals, those who have children from a former relationship and the LGBT community.

Chaired by Prof. Abela, the National Centre for Family Research within the President’s Foundation for the Wellbeing of Society is conducting the research, with the support of the National Statistics Office.

A telephone survey will target about 2,000 people from various backgrounds. Researchers will also look into what type of support is required, and the results will be used to help design the delivery of services.

Being in a good relationship is a good investment

“As human beings we are wired to relate and, therefore, we seek to be in a meaningful relationship. When relationships break down, people feel the need to understand why things didn’t work out for them. They want to learn more about how to be successful in relationships,” Prof. Abela said.

The best lessons about how we relate to one another are often learnt at home but this does not mean people cannot learn more about relationships from other contexts.

Relationship education has to be given more emphasis in schools and ought to start from a very young age and go beyond sex education, to stress the importance of mutual caring and respect over time in relationships, Prof. Abela said.

Despite the fact that couple relationships have been around since the beginning of time, it has not become second nature to have a successful one. “The skills that one needs reflect a good sense of emotional intelligence,” she added.

“Everybody disagrees, but the style of conflict one adopts when in disagreement is very important. Listening to the other’s point of view helps, as does the ability to say what one thinks, believing that the other person will be listening.

“This creates a space where one can trust the other person as having the ability to take on board a different point of view,” Prof. Abela noted.

In this respect, couples should use conflict as an opportunity for growth. Changing their minds after a disagreement does not mean one party ‘lost’.

“Moreover, the ability to reflect and assess the impact one’s behaviour has on the other is very helpful. Behaviour is contagious and, very often, ends up in positive or negative patterns of interaction. Chances are that if you’re nice to me, I’m nice to you, whereas criticism can be very corrosive to the relationship,” she said.

She stressed the importance of dedicating time to a relationship: “We think that to earn money we need to work. But we don’t really think we need to invest in a relationship to get results.”

Spending time together helps encourage shared goals and building and maintaining a friendship.

Prof. Abela added that research showed that healthy relationships promoted a sense of well-being.

“We have seen that good couple relationships not only have a beneficial effect on the children of these couples but also on the couples themselves.

“We now know that couples who are happy together experience less psychological difficulties, have fewer heart problems and suffer less from other chronic diseases. They also live longer.

“Being in a good relationship is a good investment. It may help us achieve a relationally healthy society as well as improve the quality of our lives and those of our children,” she said.