Just lately both the letters pages and sundry features in Times of Malta have spewed out gallons of printers’ ink on the subject of a certain national airline.

And more specifically, that airline’s recent efforts to make itself more profitable... or should I say, less of a loss-leader. So, what could be more natural than for Sylvanus to take a spin to check out just how far down the road of low-cost flying it has gone.

Well, for a start, now when you book your flight, they don’t just want your money, you will also be subjected to a number of checks to see if you fulfil all the prerequisites demanded by the carrier concerned. Now personally I don’t really mind being weighed at the travel agent’s.

But I resent... just a teensy bit... being told to lose five kilos before they will sell me a ticket.

And it doesn’t stop there. In the depths of winter I am advised to wear lightweight clothes and shoes... to further diminish the weight – and thus the fuel – that the aircraft will have to transport.

Among the banned items of apparel for men are: hats, scarves, gloves, padded jackets, long johns, cravats, sweaters, clunky jewellery – especially naff retro medallions, heavy wrist-watches and colostomy bags.

And for the ladies: padded bras, long skirts, heavy lyle stockings, fake furs, jewellery – including gold chains and pendants, hair pieces and heavy make-up. Handbags will be permitted... but only very small, lightweight ones... and these must travel empty.

There will also be additional charges depending on precisely where you sit.

Premium seating next to the window will carry a €20 surcharge, an aisle seat €30, so make sure you grab the cheaper, if cramped, middle seat; this only costs you €10 more.

Aspiring passengers are warned that only one piece of hand baggage per person will be permitted on board and all luggage will be weighed and must not exceed three kilos per piece, per person. Oh yes, and don’t try to check any luggage into the hold. Any excess baggage will be sent via sea mail at commercial rates... chargeable to you.

Any excess baggage will be sent via sea mail at commercial rates... chargeable to you

Much has been written about the fact that from here on in, the airline will no longer be serving food to its patrons... with the exception of a rather nasty bread roll and a bottle of water, but I’m fine with that.

As one who retched at the smell of the foul mess slapped in front of me, masquerading as a hot meal, I will welcome the omission, I always bring my own anyway.

But I think it’s a bit much to be charged ‘corkage’ – or should that be ‘wrappage’ – for every sandwich I bring on board. Plus the tedious business of having to get the food weighed, before it’s allowed on the plane.

Frankly, I rather expected to be charged to use the WC; what I didn’t expect was for a steward or stewardess to be stationed outside the door to the convenience demanding: “€1 for number one and €5 for number two.”

She/he is also charged with doling out toilet paper... at a charge of 10 cents a sheet. Hand washing is another €1 extra.

Incidentally, merely the act of standing up to stretch your legs during the flight carries and extra €10 a pop, but these days the seats are so close together, it may be more comfortable to spend the whole flight on your feet.

Actually boarding and exiting the aircraft, under the new constraints, can also be interesting... particularly for those of us in the middle-aged-plus bracket.

Since hiring mobile steps costs too much, all passengers will henceforth be required to board the plane via a quick bunk-up onto the wing and thence through the aircraft’s door.

Passengers seated at the rear of the aircraft may enter by clambering onto the tail plane and then executing a leap into the rear door.

Geriatrics will thus all be admitted through the front entrance.

All these new cost-cutting measures will be patriotically necessary to keep the airline flying. So stop moaning and get clambering.