I have been persuaded to write this contribution by the recent, somewhat uncustomary, public declaration of loyalties by several prominent members of the public with regard to the upcoming referendum.

I shall be voting Yes and pledge my support to make the spring hunting season endure, despite my moral misgivings about murder and cruelty.

So what, you may rightly ask. Why should the opinion of a private individual, indeed any individual, be newsworthy unless he can claim some moral or epistemic superiority over the reader? Fortunately, I am able to claim the latter. Indeed, I am uniquely privileged to make my claims public.

In all the debates which I have heard, often between impassioned non-hunters, I have noticed that there is a glaring weakness in the arguments of either side. No one has considered the opinion of the actual minority involved: the birds.

I have, over the past few weeks, endeavoured to address this difficulty. The method I have used is a survey, by way of Q&A, of randomly-selected birds over six months of age who were found roosting in and around Valletta and who consented to participate anonymously in the survey. To make the results representative, I have asked the birds a simplified version of the referendum question, namely: ‘In your opinion, should the spring hunting season be allowed to continue?’

An overwhelming 73 per cent of birds questioned voted Yes and 20 per cent said No. The remaining votes could not be deciphered for various reasons.

These results are counter-intuitive and, as such, should be interpreted with caution. The largest confounding factor, other than the small sample size, is the composition of the sample population: 75 per cent of the voters belonged to a single species, Columba livia – the common pigeon.

After several requests for an interview, I was contacted by a spokesbird for the Valletta Pigeon Society, with whom I discussed the results over the phone. After I reported the intriguingly close correlation of voting pigeons and Yes votes, he openly declared his surprise – that there should be any discrepancy at all.

No one has considered the opinion of the actual minority involved: the birds

“You confirm, then, that the pigeons interviewed have, by and large, all voted Yes?”

“Not as unanimously as I expected.”

“Really? Why should you expect a unanimous vote?”

“Of course, unanimous! Birds of a feather and all that!”

“And what is the reasonfor such strong support forspring hunting?”

‘Reason!? Isn’t it obvious? Why, even a one-eyed canary will tell you. We pigeons have it rough enough as it is. You know what you call us? Disease ridden! Rats with wings! Vermin! Do you know how hard we have worked to reform our image? Do you see us in your new hospital? No. Do you see us over your new Parliament building? No. And this in spite of all those lovely roosting sites on the front.

“And do you care? Do you even notice? Of course, not. You’re too busy trying to stop other birds from getting shot.

“Birds, mind you, not indigenous to Malta. Birds, you may say, who have no right to come over here and steal the hard-earned affection we deserve.

“The leaders of the Maltese pigeons have thought long and hard about these issues. We have tried to persuade the flamingos and the robins to stop coming but they keep on making the same old tired points.

“They know the risks of the Maltese countryside and, yet, they choose to come here. So let them be shot at and be trapped, I say. Why should we pigeons make any accommodations to make their-passage any less life-threatening?”

“Actually sir, that sounds rather...”

“Look, I am a busy bird, far too busy to be lectured by impertinent humans. You have asked us what we think and we have told you. Now you are bound to vote as we have answered.”

With that the conversation ended and, with a heavy heart I put the phone down, bound by the iron bonds of the pigeon’s logic.

Jurgen Gatt is reading for a PhD in Classics in London.

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