Speaking personally, I think the idea of bringing some life to the part of Valletta known as City Gate, is nothing short of inspired. We need a fresh proliferation of tat and junk stalls in the entrance to our capital, like goldfish need water.

Indeed, I look forward to buying my next pair of cut-price, reject jeans from such a salubrious neck of the woods.

Just think: From now on there will be no need to schlep all the way down to the bottom of Merchant’s Street to stock up on distorted-sounding CDs of Madonna and Queen, they’ll be available for sale up in the shadow of Piano’s exotic new barumbara (dovecote).

Valletta will start to resemble a real Third World city with rubbish for sale – at affordable prices and easily accessible. Bravo minister whoever-you-are, nice one, bravo!

But this started me thinking. If the authorities could ‘improve’ City Gate in this way, why not perk up some other currently rather mundane sites around our capital city and beyond?

What about that neglected ‘gem’ the Manoel Theatre.

One way to make it much more appealing and a more productive cash cow would be to totally alter its rationale.

Rip out all the seating and put in banks of slot machines... one-armed bandits, video games, and so on... Who needs baroque concerts when you can get Grand Theft Auto.

And indeed, the old place has seen far worse days. Many years ago it even served as a doss house, so a few gambling machines and computer games dotted around the auditorium shouldn’t be too offensive.

Then there’s Castille.

Oh sure, it looks OK after its spring-clean, but think how much more convenient it would be to rip out all those old windows and replace them with gold aluminium ones. Far less maintenance, and oh soooo tasteful.

And before we leave Castille, did you know that beneath that imposing auberge is a maze of underground rooms and tunnels. These would be perfect to house a few strip clubs.

The difference between decorating and desecrating is just a matter of semantics, right?

Advertise their presence by erecting twice life-size neon-lit scantily clad female figures outside and I’m sure some enterprising entrepreneur could make a substantial killing here. After all, we’ve managed to do it in London’s Soho for years, so it’s practically our national occupation.

Valletta could certainly do with a lot more prettying-up. Take St George’s Square or the Main Guard, in front of the Palace. It’s become practically redundant since the cars were moved away.

So why not fill it up with fast-food stalls? You know... hot dog and burger stands, plus fish and chips and mqared fryers all over the square; totally tasteful and fulfilling a basic need in a prime site.

Or if you think food stalls in front of the Palace might just be a tad over-the-top, how about using the square to host a fun fair. I’ll admit it’s a bit too small to host a big dipper, but there’s plenty of room for dodgem cars and kiddie rides.

I think the Valletta rehabilitation committee should really give that serious consideration.

Then moving away from our under-prettified capital city, what about those almost forgotten relics at Mnajdra and Ħaġar Qim?

Just think how much more fun they’d both be if some fun-loving philistine could get permission to turn them into discos.

Bank upon bank of flashing lights and mega-decibel speakers all over the place, that would be just the things to drag those two piles of old stones kicking and screaming into the 21st century.

But why stop there: I hear that a crowd of firework ‘enthusiasts’ have been putting out feelers to set up a brand new fireworks factory in Verdala Palace.

And why not? It’s away from other built-up areas and – as far as I know – nobody much lives in or near it, so if it does go up bang one day, not too many people (apart from the fireworks ‘enthusiasts’) will get hurt.

So go on lads, go for it!

You know, I do believe the proposed Arab souk at the entrance to Valletta could lead to any number of similar abominations... sorry, I meant to write embellishments.

After all, the difference between decorating and desecrating is just a matter of semantics, right?

Sign up to our free newsletters

Get the best updates straight to your inbox:
Please select at least one mailing list.

You can unsubscribe at any time by clicking the link in the footer of our emails. We use Mailchimp as our marketing platform. By subscribing, you acknowledge that your information will be transferred to Mailchimp for processing.