Are storks ever the answer? Iggy Fenech, with some major help from psychologist Malcolm Tortell, finds out how parents should approach the topic of the birds and bees with young children.
When it comes to the acts of life, few are as important as sexual reproduction: it’s the reason why I’m here writing this and why, in a few days’ time, you’ll be reading this too. But it’s also quite an embarrassing topic to discuss sometimes, particularly with younger children.
I still remember, in fact, the time my five-year-old niece asked me this most dreaded of questions. We were sitting on a sofa watching a perfectly innocent episode of Peppa Pig when she turned around, stared me down with her big, inquisitive, brown eyes and blurted out, “Uncle Iggy, where do babies come from?”
Stunned, I just stood up and scurried across the living room; and as I walked away with my back to her, I could almost hear her train of thought and it went something like “my uncle is silly and weird”, before returning her full attention to the television screen.
Of course, what I did was go to the kitchen and ask her mother to come help – because, as open as I can be about sex and sexual experiences as a person, I still believe it’s the parents’ job to tell their children about the way babies are made, at a time and pace that suits them.
Children are very easily influenced and whatever you tell them will be absorbed instantaneously – that’s why they’re so good at learning languages, in fact. They are also very likely to go around repeating things – the whole idea of ‘secrets’, for children, can be as mythical as ‘growing up’ and ‘working’.
Nevertheless, there is no denying that everyone needs to learn about sex at one point or another; and that knowledge should come from a source that is trustworthy and has no hidden agenda. But, the age-old question remains: when is it ever a good time to sit with your child – whose innocence you’re working so hard to protect – and tell him or her that mummy and daddy had to do the dirty deed for them to be here?
Well, according to psychologist Malcolm Tortell, as soon as they ask.
“If a child asks, then it means that he or she wants, and is ready for, an answer,” he says. “Obviously, it’s up to the adult to provide this answer and the way this is done is mostly down to the parents.”
The information given, however, can be varied. Some people tell their children that babies are delivered by stork, others that they come in ships from far-away lands, others even say that they are left in Moses baskets outside the front door. But is this right? Does it really explain where children come from?
If a child asks, then it means that he or she wants, and is ready for, an answer
“To my mind, storks are never appropriate as an answer as they are more a symptom of people’s discomfort with the subject, rather than anything else,” says Malcolm. “The rule of thumb is to always give accurate information that is appropriate to the child’s developmental stage.
“So, for example, a five year old could be told how, when a man and a woman love each other, it can sometimes lead to a baby. An older child, however, can be given more accurate or detailed information that, to a certain extent, explains the process. Metaphors (such as seeds, etc), are also fine to use.”
It’s also important to remember that this talk and the information they get from it – or lack thereof – might have a very lasting effect on your child. I, for one, never really had this talk with my parents and, when I was younger, I used to think that babies were bought from the market. Sounds crazy, right? Well, not when you consider that the Maltese word for ‘giving birth’ (tixtri) is the same as for the verb ‘to buy’.
Knowing the facts can also help your child in the future. Sex is a very innate part of who we are as a species and we are instinctively drawn to it – it’s nature’s way of making sure that we will procreate. But what happens when a child turns 13 or 14 and is still unclear about the mechanics? Accidents happen; but ignorance, although not excusable, can still sometimes be the cause.
Having said that, a child’s world at the realisation that his parents had to have sex in order for him or her to be created can be absolutely mind-blowing – at least, mine was. And who can blame them? Few pieces of information are as life-altering or as existential as this. The only other piece of information that’s as crucial is that one day we’re all going to die; but that’s drilled into us by various influences, including television and religion, slowly and regularly, while we push it to the back of our minds and pretend that tomorrow will always come.
That’s why giving accurate information in snippets and adding on more facts as time goes by can be the most beneficial way to go about it. There is no need to mention complex details to a six-year-old; for the sake of keeping things simple, the fact that it takes a man and a woman to create a child is good enough.
A final piece of advice would be to be mentally prepared for whenever the moment for this talk comes. Because when it happens, you’ll realise that your child is growing up, and that can be as an emotional life-stage for you as it is for your offspring.