As a fairly frequent visitor to Gozo I have been following the tunnel/ bridge controversy with some interest. And... it occurs to me – and no doubt to nine-tenths of the rest of the archipeligo’s population – that the politicians and pundits have missed a trick or two here.

I personally don’t care whether we reach our sister island over, under or across the water, but I do wish to make a few suggestions on the subject.

Before any decisions are even close to being made, the financial side of things should be clarified, quantified and Maltesised. What do I mean? Well no self-respecting native-born Maltese is going to shell out much, if any, of his/her hard-earned cash on something they can or should get for free.

Forget the Chinese option, they are always going to demand mega-bucks collateral... and some. No, we need look no further than our friends and colleagues in the EU. There is a school of thought locally that feels that we have – so far – failed to take full advantage of our membership of Mrs Merkel’s Euro club. And I agree. Here is a pot full of lovely loot and we should be dipping our pudgy little mitts into it and – frankly – cleaning up.

So what better time to do so than to tap the EU for most of the money to build said bridge/tunnel... or dammit, why not both?

But let’s not be greedy, at least not yet, let’s settle for a bridge for starters:

Now all the plans I have seen for this construction have concentrated on linking our islands via the shortest possible route, namely, Ċirkewwa to Mġarr.

There is a school of thought locally that feels that we have – so far – failed to take full advantage of our membership of Mrs Merkel’s Euro club

Wrong! See, in order to maximise the amount of cash we should be extorting... er, obtaining from Europe, we should be looking to go the long way round. So my, expertly drawn, plan envisages a four-lane bridge that starts in Birżebbugia – takes the long, tortuous route around the east coast of Malta – crosses the channel (via the – farther – east coast of Comino – then up the – even farther – east coast of Gozo, eventually joining the island somewhere north of Marsalforn.

If, by some quirk of serendipity, the authorities decide to go with the tunnel idea, exactly the same criteria should apply. A meandering undersea highway can’t in all honesty be called a ‘scenic’ route, but it will take longer to construct and provide at least as much work for the contractors involved.

But that’s not the half of it: A bridge – or tunnel – of some considerable length, such as the one I am suggesting, will need to be served in a number of ways. For instance, it will be absolutely essential to construct at least two service stations on the bridge; one on the Gozo-ward bridge highway and one on the Malta-ward side, in case any vehicle runs short of fuel on the trip.

There will also be a need to build and then lease say two or more cafes en route to and from Gozo... and on the bridge. These, quite apart from serving the traffic crossing to and from the island, will yield a nice dollop of rental for the government. Brilliant or what?

Then there are the obvious maintenance requirements of such a massive construction. This will involve a large, full-time team of engineers, painters, labourers, cleaners and so forth... more jobs for the boys, and girls.

But I know what you’re thinking: Who is going to pay for all this? Assuming the massive EU grant required won’t cover the entire cost? Well who do you think?.. Joe public of course, you and me.

Then, once the bridge/tunnel is finished and operating, it will be both necessary to levy a toll on anyone and everyone (Well, apart from politicians and their friends) making use of it. More money flowing in.

Yes, I think this is the answer to the conundrum of the bridge/tunnel. The only thing it doesn’t address is what will become of the Gozo Channel Company and their fleet of ageing ferries? Simple: Sink the lot and use them as dive attractions... problem solved.