January

• Jan 8: Malta’s public transport is taken over by Spanish bus company Autobuses Urbanos de León... and despite previous assurances to the contrary, the fares quadruple overnight.

• Jan 9: Malta’s new public transport system is boycotted by 85 per cent of the population.

• The DOI announces that the government of The People’s Republic of China have agreed to take a controlling share of PBS.

• Cyrus Engerer is employed full-time by the government (at a salary of €58,000 a year, plus expenses) as official handbag carrier for the Prime Minister.

• The Malta branch of Women’s International awards Evarist Bartolo the accolade ‘New Man of the Year for 2014’.

February

• Joseph Muscat insists that the new power station will be up and running by, latest... er “Sept – ober”... er, of this year... or he will resign.

Joseph Muscat unveils a twice life-size statue of himself at City Gate... with one leg missing

• The government announces that, as from this month, it is fencing off the entire shoreline at Għadira Bay and giving it over for the exclusive use of hunters and trappers.

• At long last, deputy Prime Minister Louis Grech actually opens his mouth in Parliament.

• The Cabinet passes a Bill to grant free, full Wi-Fi access to all illegal boathouses.

March

• Autobuses Urbanos de León announces that – due to diminished (for diminished read non-existent) profitability – it is ceasing henceforth to be responsible for running the scheduled bus service in the Maltese islands and getting the hell out.

• Michelle Muscat is photographed in LA at a post-Oscars party with a line-up of stars, including Penelope Cruz, Sarah Jessica Parker, Nicole Kidman and Halle Berry.

• The government announces that, from now on, all ministerial chauffeurs are to be issued with new uniforms, comprising stetsons, cowboy boots and six-shooters.

• In his weekly column in The Times, Ivan Fenech actually writes something positive about the Labour government. No, no, forget that one. It’s not going to happen.

April

• The DOI announces that China will be taking a controlling interest in all locally-based banks.

• By an imaginative stroke of sheer genius, Kon’s missis justifies her mega-salary by landing a sensational commercial coup. She oversees the opening of no fewer than two more Chinese restaurants in Malta. All we need now is for her to persuade China to open a couple of Maltese restaurants in Beijing.

• Despite legal pressure from the hunting lobby, the referendum on spring hunting goes ahead, with a higher than expected turnout. It results in 70 per cent of the votes cast against spring hunting, with just 30 per cent in favour.

• The new City Gate Parliament building is open... at last. And government sources claim that they knew all along that it was also going to be roofless.

May

• In answer to the result of the spring hunting referendum, the government agrees to abide by the verdict. It says it will therefore change the name from ‘spring’ hunting to ‘winter’ hunting, and tell kaċċaturi to carry on as normal.

• Former minister Manuel Mallia and his sidekick Silvio Schembri go into business together to open Malta’s first ever school for waiters... in the Police academy at Fort St Elmo.

• Another six Chinese sweatshops open in industrial estates across Malta and Gozo. The Minister for Chinese Sweatshops denies that their workers are overworked and underpaid: “They love being in sunny Malta, even though they never actually see the sun.”

• The government announces that from now on, all illegal boathouses will be equipped – free of charge – with satellite dishes, air conditioning and central heating.

June

• Members of Parliament are officially informed that due to severely restricted space within the new Parliament building, all MPs will either have to stand throughout ‘sittings’ or bring their own shooting-sticks.

• Four world-class footballers – Cristiano Ronaldo, Lionel Messi, Andrea Pirlo and Gianluigi Buffon – sign up for the cash-for-passports scheme. So does this mean that – at last – Malta can field a decent footie team?

July

• The DOI announces that China is henceforth taking total control of the Malta Land Force and the Police Corps.

• The government announces that the area, previously known as the Marsa Sports Club, is to be handed over for the exclusive use of hunters and trappers.

• Transport minister Joe Mizzi triumphantly announces that, as from January 1, 2016, Malta’s scheduled bus service will be run by a company from North Korea (Plus ça change).

• Silvio Scerri receives his own personal pass into the VVVIP section of the Isle of MTV concert. This is to avoid the gateman – when confronted – having to confess he hasn’t a clue who the hell he is... or was.

August

• It is announced that every illegal boathouse ‘township’ is to be recognised as a civic community, each with its own mayor and council.

• After the failure of his waiters’ school, Manuel Mallia lands a job dressing mannequins in the window of a ladies couture shop in Merchants Street. We can only hope he’ll be better at covering them up than he was at covering up his ministerial gaffes.

• Since the price of crude oil has now slipped to under $10 a barrel, the government decides to stop all oil speculation in Maltese waters. It’s just not worth it any more.

September

• The Ministry of Education states that, from now on, all State and private schools in the Maltese islands must teach Mandarin Chinese to their pupils.

The PN challenges Joseph Muscat to keep his word and resign as promised. He replies that what he actually said was that he would re-sign... on as Prime Minister

• The three new hotels to be built between Marsascala and Żonqor Point have been named. They will be called The Grand Hotel Parnis, The Parnisia Palace Hotel and the... ahem, Parnis Hilton.

• Joseph Muscat unveils a twice life-size statue of himself at City Gate... with one leg missing. Who said we Maltese don’t do irony?

• Helena Dalli and her old man professes complete ignorance of yet more irregular conversion work on another three houses right next door to them in their street.

October

• When it becomes apparent that the proposed new power station is nowhere near being up and running – not even up – the PN challenges Joseph Muscat to keep his word and resign as promised. He replies that what he actually said was that he would re-sign... on as Prime Minister... right.

• A record number of lawyers graduate this month. A record number of lawyers sign on at the Labour Office as unemployed this month.

• Cyrus Engerer turns down the chance to become the Mellieħa rugby club’s mascot.

• The MADC put on a production of Singin’ in the Rain with a twist, at the open-top theatre in Valletta. The performers stay dry while it’s the audience that gets soaked.

Brangelina to buy Gozo

November

• The Armier boathouse community is henceforth to be known as Soweto in the Med.

• Johnny Dalli retires to the Bahamas to count his money and write his memoirs; which will be entitled: Have I got ‘Snus’ for You.

• The government announces that this year, in the interests of good taste, the Junior Euro­vision song contest will not be televised locally.

• In order to obtain a holiday home in the Mediterranean, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie announce that they have decided tobuy Gozo.

December

• The government announces that the whole of Ta’ Qali, including the national stadium, is to be handed over for the exclusive use of hunters and trappers.

• Paceville is designated as a World Heritage site.

• The hunters’ federation (FKNK) insist on Dennis Palmyra Borg, a prominent member of Birdlife, being arraigned in court. They accuse him of handling an endangered avian species... when a photo appears in The Times of him carving a Christmas turkey.

• Malta fulfils Jo-zeff’s dream and leaves the EU.

• Malta then becomes an official province of The People’s Republic of China.

And a very happy New Year to all my readers... both of them.

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