The undersigned, hereinafter referred to as the Three Unwise Men (shafted) or TUM(s), being acquiescent to the Honourable the Prime Minister's fervent desire to pass the buck, dodge the bullet, avoid the flack and generally chicken out of taking political responsibility, have the honour to present their report on the matter of whether there was a cover-up following the discharge by the Dr the Honourable Minister Manwel Mallia's driver of at least two shots into the back of a vehicle driving away from him and, if in the affirmative, by whom the said cover-up was perpetrated.
The TUM(s) having:
examined all the evidence placed before them, heard the witnesses who were brought to testify, cogitated mightily with their exceedingly well-equipped cerebell, considered the ramifications of their eventual findings, especially taking into consideration the political nature of their imposed mission, reflected in depth on the manner in which they have been obliged to reconcile their previous obligation to judiciously independent with their current political incarnation that does not iuris et de iure mandate such independence, find as follows.
That this report, were it to have been completed and submitted to our esteemed nominator before the end of the Judicial Day on Friday 5th December in the Year of Our Lord 2014, would have been clear and unequivocal in that it was absolutely impossible to be clear and unequivocal that in the first instance there had been a cover-up and in the second instance that Dr the Honourable Manwel Mallia was in any way shape or form responsible therefore and cognisant thereof and this because the evidence and testimony placed before the said TUM(s) was obscure, self-serving, contradictory, unclear and generally useless, allowing us the warm and fuzzy feeling that comes with being able to do what is required of us without having to adopt the "Three Monkeys" as our mascots;
That this Report, in that it was sadly not completed as premised in the preceding paragraph, must now state baldly and without elaboration that it is clear that there was, effectively, a cover-up, in that it is clear that the facts were known not only to the alleged perpetrator of the criminal offence but also to the person acting as Commissioner of Police and to the person who co-ordinates communications issued by the Office of the Prime Minister and this before the said Office of the Prime Minister issued a statement to the media that can only be described, and this generously and charitably, as misleading;
That in connection with the foregoing, given that the TUM(s) are men of the world who know how things are done and given that they cannot but take into account the reported realities of the situation, including the fact that Dr the Honourable Manwel Mallia was clearly au courant of the situation as it developed from the time when the shots were fired up to when he signed off his conversation with the shooter with a salutation more usually reserved for bosom buddies, must state that they would not, even if they wanted to, be in a position to gainsay anyone who opines that the said Mallia, especially taking into account his behaviour in the hours and days following the matter under examination, was being economical with the truth;
That in connection with the foregoing, they are unable to reconcile their knowledge of the ways of the world with the apparently continuing position taken by the Honourable the Prime Minister that he was unaware of the cover-up that the TUM(s) have now no option but to declare took place.
Such we have the honour to place into the record.
Sgd. Magri ex-J (Chair) Camilleri ex-J, Sciberras ex-J
(*for the literal amongst you, this is as imagined by me)