The front page header in a recent issue of The Times really intrigued me. It read: “Prostitution must change – minister”. Change? Fine, but in what way? Are we talking about some sort of tarts’ charter here?

In future are our ladies (and gentlemen) of the night going to adopt modern marketing methods? For example, will they soon start issuing loyalty cards like supermarkets: fill up the card and become entitled to a free toaster or 10 gratis sessions at the clap clinic?

Then again, the girls might be persuaded to offer attractive discount schemes... buy two, get one free, or even happy-hour markdowns – half price between 3 and 4pm. Truly the mind boggleth.

Or does the honourable minister mean that Malta and Gozo’s working girls will become more open and in-yer-face about the way they make a crust.

Will certain areas in our islands start to resemble the red light district of Amsterdam or Hamburg’s Rieperbahn? Well, they are both situated in EU countries, which makes this sort of legit, so why not here too?

What is currently the extremely seedy district in and around Testaferrata Street could well do with a major facelift.

So will we soon to see our local hoes touting for business in tarted-up shop fronts up and down the boulevard?

I hope so, apart from anything else, what a wonderful tourist attraction that would be.

Many years ago I visited a similar location in the old part of Istanbul – purely for research purposes, you understand. The ‘street’ was fronted by a tall iron gateway, which you entered via a smaller door within it. The whole thing was guarded by two policemen armed with AK47s.

But once inside I was astonished at how open and above board it all seemed and indeed was. Potential punters would survey the ‘goods’ on offer from the street and – when they spotted a likely lass, or lad, they would negotiate the price directly with the girl/guy and take it from there.

My guide at the time asked me if I would like to see another boulevard of brothels, some distance away. Apparently this contained a full menagerie of freaks, from dwarfs to the horribly misshapen and mutilated. I declined that dubious pleasure.

Are we talking about some sort of tarts’ charter here?

Inevitably, when discussing prostitution, medical concerns are invoked. But if we did decide to go down the route of designated sex streets, we could put the girls’ medical certificates on show in the brothel’s windows to prove that all those working within were fit for purpose.

Frankly I see nothing wrong with opening up and modernising our own sex trade. It might take the profession up a few social notches... offer ‘superior’ ladies service in some of our five-star hotels (officially). We could tie this in with mainstream print and TV advertising of ‘escort’ services. Commercials on local TV channels: “Ixtri! Ixtri! Ixtri!”... or maybe not.

But I’d love to see a shopping channel devoted exclusively to promoting the attractions of selective sex professionals:

“This is a real little gem... and exclusive to Malta’s premier shopping channel. Her name is Dierdre and she comes complete with detachable negligee... at only €250.60c an hour.

“And... if you get on the phone now... ring 2244 54678... you will also receive – absolutely free – a life-size blow-up Jennifer Lopez doll. Manufactured in top quality latex, she is authentic in every detail and comes complete with a shiny PVC basque – in four colours: sleeve silver, snot green, chilblain mauve and zit cream... and all this for just €250.60c. Buy now to avoid disappointment.”

Marketing is everything. Mind you, I’d be in favour of anything that diminishes the role of the pimp... I think it’s the word itself... pimp. To me it somehow always conjures up the image of some acne-splattered, greasy-haired, dead-eyed slimeball, touting some mangy old brass around one of the wartime bars in Strait Street.

One final way to modernise the local sex industry would be to tax the girls... and guys. Or tax the madams... and it would be up to them to ensure that all their charges also coughed up.

It could be deemed PAYS (Pay As You Serve). This way everybody would be happy.

So Minister Helena Dalli, is this what you meant by “prostitution must change”? Do tell.