There it sits, right between you, like a silent matchmaker who instead of nudging you closer together, is jack-hammering at the foundations of whatever brought you together.
And you know that you can’t keep ignoring it. The waiter has already come around twice, cleared his throat and asked about it. The first time, you asked him to get a lozenge, in a it’s-a-joke-but-it-really-isn’t manner. The second time, you dismissed him with a slight elevation of your pinkie. But you know that on the waiter’s third visit, you will not be able to dig your way out. You will just have to open it and make a snap judgement which will either cost you a lot of money or ruin your taste buds.
Ah, the wine list: that little book which can turn a sweet dinner into a sour affair. There are two reactions to being presented with a wine list. A select few – who have made it their life’s pursuit to track down every grape variety in the world, squash it and drink it – will open up the wine list like a favourite novel and spend the next 30 minutes poring over it. However, most of us – if you can’t tell the difference between a Domaine Leroy Musigny Grand Cru and a Domaine Ramonet Montrachet Grand Cru, then you belong to this category – will feel uncomfortable at their lack of expertise in translating a series of grape varieties and the year of production into a pleasant dining experience.
How do you decide which wine goes best with your food? How do you tell the waiter about the maximum spend that your entertaining budget allows you? And how do you make sure that, to put it in the simplest and most honest of manners, the wine is good?
Grape conversation
When the sommelier asks you about your choice of wine, don’t be afraid to engage in conversation. But that means that the sommelier will realise that I’m no wine expert, you might reason. Well, yes. That is the whole point actually: if you were a wine expert, you would be sitting at a table in your own vineyard, opening a nice vintage, giving your glass a swirl and congratulating yourself on another fine harvest.
But you’re no wine expert and so you need direction. It’s just like buying shoes: you ask the salesperson to help you out. Just tell the sommelier what you like and don’t like and the food you have ordered and he will come up with a choice of wines. And don’t be embarrassed to mention a price range. As long as you’re not a big shot dining out with your bank manager, you don’t have to order the priciest bottle on the wine list.
A little knowledge goes a little way
Yes, you do want to give the impression that you are really into wine. However, don’t fake knowledge about wine: the sommelier will always get you. Again, don’t be embarrassed at not knowing enough about wine.
Let’s sustain the shoes simile. You probably don’t know the difference between a brogue, a loafer and a pair of Chelsea boots – however, you don’t go around walking barefoot until you learn the difference. It’s the same thing with wine. You might not know the difference between a pinot noir and a cabernet sauvignon, or the grape varieties in an Olivier Ravoire Gigondas or a Cune Rioja Imperial Gran Riserva. But that doesn’t mean you can’t buy and enjoy them.
Enjoyment is the key word here. After all, wine isn’t about knowledge: it’s about pleasure. If it were about knowledge, you would be liquidising the wine list and drinking it up.
Safety first
Even if you don’t know a lot about wine, you can still order with a degree of confidence. It’s a matter of reading between the lines of the wine list. So, for instance, if the wine list has 50 French wines listed and just three Italian wines, that means that the restaurant owner cares more about French wines and would have selected them carefully. So go for a French wine.
Another trick: when the sommelier hands you the wine list, just tell him that you will need a few minutes to decide. That will give him the impression that you know what you’re doing.
To choose your wine, adopt the simplest of methods. First of all, if you can’t afford them, just cross off the wines that cost more than a grand. Then choose between white and red: that will halve your choice. Now, among what’s left, look for wines you already know and, if you’re looking for something new, cross them off too. Then decide how much you want to spend. That should have cut down the list to a manageable shortlist which you can discuss with the sommelier.
When you have finally made your choice, just make sure that you’re comfortable with the wine you have chosen because once it arrives, it will be very tricky to complain about it. With food, it is much easier: everyone can tell when a fish is underdone or when there’s the proverbial something in your soup. But with wine, there is so much that you don’t know about it that it’s difficult to distinguish between your lack of knowledge and a genuine complaint.