It’s clear to me that Malta, like many equatorial nations around the world, is a culture of laziness. We revel in the concept of laissez-faire, we still have shops that close in the afternoon (ostensibly for a siesta) and we like the status quo like we like our tea: exactly like our colonial overlords once did. Similarly, we’re not inclined to adventure much. Most nightlife is centred in one spot on the island, with door-to-door nightclubs offering minor variations on the same theme. The drinks of choice remain beer, jack & coke and vodka & orange. Staples, like bread and milk.

The truth is no one wants to make an effort to party. Themed events are mostly just an excuse for promotion, or to remind everyone the DJ is a human being and not just a person standing near a playlist waiting to press play. Sooner or later, someone will decide that this is a sorry state of affairs indeed and decide that they will remedy this situation by throwing a shindig in their own apartment. Trouble is, accommodating everyone’s tastes is actually pretty difficult.

The truth is that you’re never going to please everyone and often you’re going to be let down by those you call friends

A friend of mine, Sandy, opened the doors to her new apartment, ostensibly as a housewarming party. Everyone was told to bring alcohol aplenty, for surely we are going to party like we’re 15 years younger!

Sadly, upon arrival you could tell that this was going to be a constantly-checking-the-watch party. Sandy’s belongings were all still encased in near-bursting cardboard boxes strewn throughout the rooms and furniture was sparse or unassembled.

No music was playing, nor was there any way to get some tunes going on. Her stereo was “still in a box somewhere” (sheepish laugh). Some thought had been put into the set-up though: there was a single tray of ice and a small stack of plastic cups near a few bowls of Twistees and crisps. Sandy did invest a lot of TLC in the creation of a bowl of punch, which was tucked away in the corner of the kitchen and most people didn’t even know existed. There was one small fan to cool the festivities, in a party scheduled in the height of August.

The majority of the invitees sequestered themselves into the tiny balcony and shifted in and out on an unspoken rota, until they felt enough time had passed to depart without being rude. Somehow, Sandy just assumed that people would turn up in good spirit and generate the atmosphere themselves.

Another associate of mine goes the other way. He’s prone to theatrics – creating elaborate gatherings that require people to turn up in appropriate costume and have some sort of side gimmick to go with it. If you can sing, then you’re expected to have a musical number on hand, if you can cook, you’re bringing a home-made treat.

All gimmicks must tie into the theme and if you fail to comply with these mandates you’re going to be mocked rather cruelly all evening.

Admittedly, this was fun at first, but all it takes is a bad week at work and you’re not going to have the time or inclination to make the effort, let alone bear the chastisement all evening.

Odds are that in a large group this will happen to more than one person.

I had tried a variant of this party myself in my younger days. The theme was Black/Leather/ Lace, knowing the larger contingent of my friends are of a rocker bent. I also hoped for inebriation, so I ruled people that should avoid beer or wine and stick to hard liquor.

The first person turned up empty-handed, dressed in a bright red t-shirt. The second had two bottles of lite beer and a black baseball cap. Why bother?

The truth is that you’re never going to please everyone and often you’re going to be let down by those you call friends. Still, if you still love to be the perennial host, the mother-goose of parties, the sucker for punishment and the often-disappointed, I salute you.

You remain an unsung hero, but please don’t over or under-do your next attempt. I might just have “a previous engagement” that evening instead...

Tips for a smashing shindig at home

• Invite people using multiple sources. Email, facebook and at least an SMS to the close friends.

• Warn your neighbours there will be noise. Less likely they’ll call the cops. Be gracious and leave a bottle of wine by their door the next day with a thank you note.

• Make a very clear map for people to get to your home.

• Don’t bother with decor or themes. No one cares.

• Accept that people are going to make a mess.

• Remove carpets – there will be spilling.

• Make room for people to ­mingle – move aside coffee ­tables.

• Clear away anything too prone to being knocked over or fragile.

• Put all drinks in one central area.

• Clearly mark the bathroom – put up a sign.

• Have an upbeat playlist in the background. Pink Floyd is unwise.

• Make it clear that it’s adults only (some people do bring their babies).

• Never open YouTube. It invites everyone to show their favourite videos.

• Have a simple ‘cocktail’ and serve it to everyone the moment they step through the door (a vodka mixed with some interesting fruit juice works a treat).

• Clear chairs away. People need to mingle and talk . Only leave the couch for those who really need it (injuries, age etc).

• Have some nibbles handy. Little ħobż-biz-żejt are great when you have the booze-munchies.

• Finally – be a good host, make sure to introduce people to each other and give them a topic to talk about.

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