Is that your phone beeping again? Who has messaged you now? Can’t we have a conversation for at least an hour without picking up your phone?
I bet you have either said one (or more) of these to someone or you have heard them yourself. Whether you’re on the telling or receiving end, one thing is certain: mobile communication is an ubiquitous part of our everyday lives.
This has been confirmed in a recent study by Deloitte which revealed that with the growth of mobile messaging apps such as Facebook Messenger, WhatsApp and iMessage, the number of messages sent this year is likely to double last year’s figure. But what are all these messages about? Well, just consider that 300bn of all messages sent in the UK this year are largely due to mobile flirting.
Following the publication of the Deloitte study, Paul Lee, Deloitte technology, media and telecoms research head, told The Guardian that, “Teenage romance is appropriating technology for its needs. A constant among humans is courting and they use different tools to do it. It used to be hanging on the phone, now it’s instant messaging.”
Maybe this shouldn’t surprise you – still, I think it provides some food for thought. I’m a hopeless romantic and I strongly believe in communication between partners. The fact that one needs to resort to mobile communication as opposed to face-to-face communication worries me. There are exceptions, of course, where one has no other option, such as in long distance relationships. And a cute message from your loved one while you’re at work is nice. However, I can’t picture having a proper conversation with my partner without being able to look in his eyes, hear the sound and the tone of his voice, see his gesticulation and his expressions: these are all part of a conversation, and a text message eliminates all of these and leaves everything to interpretation, or rather, to possible misinterpretation.
I ask Matthew Bartolo, a counsellor specialising in sex and relationships (www.willingness.com.mt) whether instant messaging and texting, as opposed to face-to-face conversations, are affecting relationships.
He explains that research shows that online relationships are not correlated with offline social skills. Having a lot of friends of Facebook, for instance, does not mean that the person has good social skills, or even looks forward to meeting the same friends face to face.
Online, people can portray an image of themselves that seems ideal to them
There are, of course, positives about using online communication in relationships. Some people actually start new relationships online. Social media also makes it easier for people to meet others with similar interests, says Mr Bartolo. Using instant messaging to start a conversation about a topic that one finds difficult to approach face-to-face can be a good way of starting a discussion that would lead to a face-to-face conversation. Messaging also helps partners stay in contact when they’re away from each other.
However, there are potential pitfalls. Communicating with others via mobile while on a date means that instead of giving undivided attention to your date, you’re spending some of that time chatting with your instant messaging contacts.
Also, when partners argue, they might find that it’s easier to message their colleagues, friends or former partners rather than having an open, one-to-one discussion with their partner. There are also perceived differences between offline and online relationships. One partner might be enjoying what they perceive is a harmless flirt with a person online but for their partner, that amounts to cheating.
There is also the issue that colleagues message each other any time of the day and night. This blurs the work-life boundaries. Whereas colleagues rarely used to be in contact after 5pm, nowadays they continue discussing work issues through instant messaging. So we’re investing our free time in work, rather than in communicating effectively with our partner.
I’ve always assumed that people who prefer to flirt via their phone are usually insecure or too shy to do it in person. Mr Bartolo says that online, people can portray an image of themselves that seems ideal to them. They get to choose which photos and what information about them the other person gets to see.
“For instance, online, a person might give the impression that they are playing it cool, whereas in fact they are experiencing more intense emotions such as anger, embarrassment or lust.”
Interestingly, Mr Bartolo says that although younger people tend to go for this kind of communication, once an older person starts using instant messaging, they can get hooked.
“This might be because it’s more accessible, cheaper and less invasive than a phone call. You can reply to a message when you want to as opposed to a phone call.”
But is there a real danger to mobile flirting?
“Communication is divided into 55 per cent body language, 38 per cent tone of voice, and seven per cent the actual words spoken,” Mr Bartolo says. “This means that when chatting using instant messaging, we are missing 93 per cent of what the other person is saying. Some argue that emoticons make up for facial expressions but it’s safe to say that these are chosen by the user and hence can be what the same user wants to portray as opposed to the real, candid reaction.
“Some couples say that they have most of their heated discussions online rather than face-to-face. This might result in unresolved issues accumulating in the relationship as some feelings need to be discussed at length and sometimes hugged out. It is also important to see your partner’s feelings when discussing an issue.”
Whether we like it or not, technology has become an integral part of our everyday lives. Even if we try to resist it, most of our friends and family members are choosing to use this free and simple way of communicating and we cannot ignore them.
Just as with everything else, there are advantages and disadvantages with mobile communication and finding the right balance is key. Use it to communicate with your loved ones when you cannot do it in person, but put that phone away when you’re next to them and talk about your thoughts and feelings then. Sometimes this can be hard to do, but you learn through experience.
My partner and I, for instance, learned that when a normal online chat starts turning into an argument, we both stop and talk properly in person.
Also, know your boundaries with colleagues and friends: if you wouldn’t make that comment in person because it can be misinterpreted as flirting, the same applies to texting.
Christina Goggi is a web marketing content specialist and a regular blogger on various tech websites.
Text-flirting
Mark Victor Camilleri
Age: 30
Have you ever used you mobile apps to flirt with someone? Yes, with my fiancé.
What do you think is the difference between flirting face-to-face and via your phone? It’s easier to message if you are not really confident face-to-face.
Which do you prefer and why? Now that I am engaged I prefer face-to-face conversations.
Steffi Thake
Age: 23
Have you ever used you mobile to flirt with someone? Yes I have. I wouldn’t have met my husband if I hadn’t.
What do you think is the difference between flirting face-to-face and via your phone? Flirting face-to-face is a lot harder. Flirting online is easier as it leaves a lot to the imagination and even the tone of speech can be ambiguous. Mind you, it can also backfire horribly too.
Which do you prefer and why? I can’t say that I had much luck flirting in person so I’ll have to say that I prefer online flirting.