Sir!

“I am incandescent with rage, conflagrated with fury, seething with wrath! Really sir, your latest gross and unforgiveable transgression really does take the biscuit. (Oh dear, what have I done now?... Ed). I refer, of course, to a recent article in your execrable organ, referring to one of the most infamous incidents in this island’s fairly recent past.

“Yes, I am indeed talking about the lasting shame that has been visited upon us by that notorious incident in the summer of 1968. Even today, some 46 years later, I can hardly bring myself to dwell on the events of that day. Shame and disgust... yes sir... shame and disgust are the two feelings that come to mind. That day when one single promiscuous strumpet took to a Maltese beach wearing nothing but a, so-called, bikini. I still shudder at the sight of this... unclad harlot striding unashamedly undressed and lustful, for all the world to see.

“As I stared long and hard at this nauseously unpleasant sight, I was even more shocked to note that this brazen slut, far from covering her bared, fleshly flesh, wantonly flaunted it before the God-fearing populace.

“I can tell you sir, I hardly had time to... ahem, adjust my dress, before setting off – post haste – in the direction of the nearest police station to report this foul phenomenon to the appropriate authorities.

“But it is not that long remembered transgression itself that I wish to complain about (You could have fooled me... Ed), no sir, I wish to protest in the strongest possible way to the fact that, in reporting the story, not one single mention was made of my own vital role in bringing this craven felon-ess to justice.

Not a single inference or allusion to my part in the whole fracas. Where sir... where is your shame? (I dunno, probably in the same place as your compassion... Ed)

“On that ne’er to be forgotten day of disgrace, nearly half a century ago, it was – if I may modestly claim – my prompt action that saved the whole of the Maltese islands from toppling head-first into the slavering jaws of Gomorrah. Yes sir... Gomorrah!

If women were meant to have paraded their semi-naked flesh on the shores of the Mediterranean, then God would never have invented burkahs

“As you by now well know, I no longer subscribe to your sycophantic journal, preferring to rely for my news, on my neighbour’s well-informed bigoted statements over our communal wall. However, I just happened to spot the story under consideration when popping in to my local newsagent’s for my reserved copy of that sterling periodical – Bums Quarterly – a scholarly and well-observed treatise – with photographs – of the many and varied aspects of the lives of American vagrants... ahem.

“And I can tell you sir, I was shocked and appalled that day at what I caught sight of. If women were meant to have paraded their semi-naked flesh on the shores of the Mediterranean, then God would never have invented burkahs to cover up the naughty bits. I can tell you sir, I personally would never ever permit the good-lady-wife (glw) to freely expose vast expanses of her adipose tissue to the non-paying citizens of this rock or anywhere else. (So it’s OK if they are paying?... Ed).

“I always made sure that before taking to the water, she was adequately... not to say comprehensively camouflaged and covered.

“As you may be aware, in the Indian sub-continent the males of the heterosexual persuasion are often driven mad with desire at the sight of several acres of female flesh – and the glw did possess... several acres of female flesh.

“By ignoring my part in exposing and apprehending that shameless floozy, you do your readers a great disservice. (What do you want... a medal?... Ed)

“So I shall expect a prominently displayed correction in your next issue, recording... nay lauding the fact that I sir, yes I alone... was responsible for preserving the moral wellbeing of our island nation.

“Yours in disgust and catatonic rage.”

DG Hardly-Breathing Gatt... (K.O.M.R... ret’d)

Sign up to our free newsletters

Get the best updates straight to your inbox:
Please select at least one mailing list.

You can unsubscribe at any time by clicking the link in the footer of our emails. We use Mailchimp as our marketing platform. By subscribing, you acknowledge that your information will be transferred to Mailchimp for processing.