As you are reading this, Angelina Jolie Pitt is sitting on the beach at Mġarr ix-Xini Bay in Gozo, with her Maltese teacher, busy learning Maltese words.
People magazine, which can always be relied on for its infinite number of unnamed sources, said Jolie is trying to learn the ‘native’ dialect to fit in. The mysterious source said: “She has asked for a Maltese translator because she wants to speak with the locals in their own language. How nice she is!”
Not only nice, I say, but il-veru prosit. She sussed out the Maltese perfectly well: we use our language as a code to say things to foreigners’ faces, without them being able to understand a word. I’m sure Angelina wants to know what “x’ngħamillha kieku!”, “taħsibhiex ir-reġina di!” and other expressions, unfit for a family newspaper, actually mean.
But of course 10 points for trying to integrate. Now, even before the movie is out, we want Angelina to get an Oscar, so when she goes up for her acceptance speech she’ll start off with: “Ħuti Maltin u Għawdxin”. Oh, how we’ll simper. Oh what a wave of smugness we’ll all feel. She might even top Joseph Calleja as a national treasure.
The only blip could be the members of the Malta Patriot Association, who are against integration of foreigners in Maltese society. I am not sure if white Americans are exempted from their angst, but Angelina being a special envoy of the UN High Commissioner of Refugees might make the patriots unfurl their banners and get all set and ready “to shed blood for the cause”. “Malta għal Maltin, Angelina u Brad barranin!” they’ll shout as they prick their index fingers with a teeny weeny pin, and then smear the dot of blood on the Maltese flag.
But till that comes to pass, the correspondents of the Bay Radio news website tell us that the Maltese language teacher will take Angelina “through some basic phrases, such as ‘bonġu’, ‘kif int’ and so on”.
We use our language as a code to say things to foreigners’ faces
I am not so sure that is anthropologically right. If she really wants to get a feel of the natives’ language, the teacher should scrap the By the Sea lessons and take Angelina for a drive instead.
From the end of September right through to the end of June, the most common words uttered by the Maltese people are: “Ojj!”, “Ar’hemm!” “Paqpaqlu!”, “Ejja rieqed”, “Indikejter xbin!”, “Trid noħrog għalik?!”
That is also known as the Scholastic Year Traffic Congestion Road Rage syndrome. And those are the words Angelina should learn. It is so bad this year that even Finance Minister Edward Scicluna forwent his penchant for convoluted manner of speech and surprised us with a point blank: “Traffic congestion is one of the main stumbling blocks to economic growth in Malta.”
He urged us all to help “think outside the box” and come up with solutions to reduce traffic on the roads. Well, seeing as I spend in total some three hours a day stuck behind a steering wheel, swerving and swearing, I have two solutions panned out:
• Google cars: Google self-driving cars will be available on the market in 2017.
Just in time for V-18, as luck (and Jason) would have it. These cars have no steering wheel or brake pedal; know the position of every street bump and stop sign to the very centimetre; and can track pedestrians, cyclists, traffic lights and other vehicles using laser and radar.
Google is developing maps and intelligence so that the car won’t need human help at all. Which means: no more road rage. If the minister starts budgeting for a skema so every household in 2017 gets a self-drive car instead of, say, a tablet, we can all work while we’re in the car and when we get to our destination we’ll be so fresh that, voilà we’ll go for a spot of shopping and boost the economy pronto.
• Work from home: Richard Branson has told his staff at Virgin companies that they can go on holiday whenever they like and for how long as they like. They don’t even have to ask for time off; they are free to go for two days, three months, a year – as long as their temporary departure doesn’t “damage the business”.
What he’s saying, essentially, is: work from home, it’s fine. This may sound nutty to Prof. Scicluna, but I really suggest he should list it down as one of his upcoming Budget priorities.
If we work from home (with the exception of police, teachers, doctors and nurses), then we won’t have to commute at all, freeing up the streets from thousands of cars.
Also we’ll be happier because we won’t have to face the daily grind of office politics. And what’s more, because we’ll work in the peace and quiet of dawn or dusk, we’ll be all so much more productive that the economy will be given an automatic boost.
Somehow, though, I have a feeling that we’ll still be grappling with the traffic problem even when Angelina and Brad will be celebrating their golden anniversary.
Of course, with nostalgia for their honeymoon days in Gozo, and, recalling her lessons, she’ll tell him: “Ejja ħa n’tik bewsa Brad ħi”.
krischetcuti@gmail.com
Twitter: @KrisChetcuti