“So the felony... misdemeanour... whatever... occurred on a solemn and prestigious occasion, you say Sergeant Scrote Refalo?”

“Oh indeed Onorevoli. It occurred at the climax of the laying of the foundation stone of the brand new public conveniences in the main village square of Ħas-Siġra.”

“In front of all the main dignitaries of the village?”

“Absolutely.”

“Hmm, and you say the lady concerned was wearing – and I quote: ‘Just half a bikini,’... which half?”

“I understand... the bottom half, Onorevoli.”

“At least. Right then, Constable Splatt-Borg, you were also present I understand?”

“Very much so, Onorevoli.”

“Remember, you are still under oath and, with that in mind, would you fill us in on the details of the charge against Miss...”

“Jankovics, Onorevoli. Oriana Jankovics. She is a Serbian national who has been working here in Malta for the past eight months.”

“Go on.”

“Onorevoli, I was on duty in the Ħas-Siġra main pjazza, for the ceremony already described. Everything was proceeding normally and – more importantly – peacefully. When suddenly, from out of the crowd leapt a half-naked woman... who I now know to be Ms Oriana Jankovics... foreigner. With a complete disregard for the solemnity of the occasion – after all, it is some 17 years since Ħas-Siġra could boast a fully functioning public WC – Ms Jankovics proceeded to... ahem... dance around the members of the Ħas-Siġra band, who were at the time solemnly – and appropriately – playing a tuneful selection of tuneful tunes from the many hit albums of the Scottish orchestra Wet, Wet, Wet.

At first I did not move to arrest Ms Jankovics, since I did not want to escalate the brouhaha any more than necessary. However, after a prod in the ribs from my superior, Sergeant Scrote Refalo, I moved to apprehend the felon. She, by now, had forsaken prancing around the band members... many of whom had become distracted and had abandoned their instruments... and was proceeding to shake her... ahem... rear side(sic) in front of the assembled dignitaries seated near the foundation stone.

Everything was proceeding normally and – more importantly – peacefully. When suddenly, from out of the crowd leapt a half-naked woman

This was particularly upsetting, because her actions served to bring her... erm patata in very close proximity to Miss Spironi Deguara who – now in her late 80s and a stalwart of the mużew – has little experience of this sort of thing, and in an act of sheer blind panic... promptly reached for her handkerchief and... blew her nose. Unfortunately, this had the knock-on effect of causing the band to stop playing, since they had been warned, prior to striking-up, that they would be halted by one blast on the band club hooter.

This, in turn, precipitated a smattering of applause from all present and the rising to his feet of his honour the mayor of Ħas-Siġra, Mr Emilio Tabone Pons, to give his carefully prepared speech.

During this... I observed that Ms Jankovics had ceased to er... dance and was now solemnly throwing up on the side of the pjazza.

I saw this as my opportunity to approach her and – when she had completed her chunder – I arrested her and charged her with a breach of the peace.

Later at the station, she explained that she had just come off a boat trip around Comino and she admitted to being... possibly... a little erm... skwiffy.

To the tune of three bottles of champagne, 18 large vodka and tonics, 12 whisky sours, four pints of lager and an alco-pop shandy chaser.

On orders from my sergeant, I therefore made to confine the lady to the station’s lock-up for the rest of the day, up until she was arraigned in court here this morning.”

“I see. Miss Janko... erhum. Do you wish to say anything in your defence?”

“I sink I haff leetle too much to dreenk.”

“I sink... think you did. You are, of course, aware that your behaviour did constitute a very serious breach of the peace?”

“Iskyuze me?”

“Capering around a main village square, during a solemn ceremony – and in a state of both dishabille and intoxication. You are living in Catholic Malta, not blasphemous Belgrade now you know.”

“I very sorry.”

“And so you should be. However, I have decided to give you a conditional discharge on this occasion. My only regret is that I wasn’t there to witness the whole thing. Next case!”