Marianne Theuma, a childbirth educator, pinpoints some stark changes a baby may bring into a couple’s life andgives advice on how to get prepared.

A male and a female are attracted to each other, then they choose to get together and one fine day a baby comes along. It is that simple – or is it?

There is much more to having a baby than simply getting together, if life after baby is to become anything short of shock. As any experienced parent can say, rearing a child is a life-long journey with many joys and bumps and bruises along the way.

Both parents bring their own baggage within the relationship. It takes years and one’s life’s experiences to form one’s character. In a relationship it takes time to get used to each other’s character, personality and behaviour. When both sides finally think they can safely accept each other and start enjoying the relationship, along comes an ‘intruder’ who changes the duo into a trio (or a quad in the case of twins).

Family dynamics are totally disrupted each time there is an addition or a change within the family. A baby needs care around the clock. Roles need to change drastically. Are we ready for the change in lifestyle? Who feels unable to cope? Who feels left out? Who feels s/he is not being cared for enough?

A few weeks pass and in one way or another, things seem to settle and look well. Soon enough the mother needs to go back to work – yet another drastic change in her life which she may, or may not be, ready for yet.

Pressure builds up and the feeling of helplessness does not do anybody any good. Nothing prepares one well enough for these feelings unless they are addressed in good time.

Whatever decisions are taken, guilt feelings start seeping in. Unless the relationship started on the right footing, becoming a parent can be very challenging, to say the least.

Today’s society may not be helping the situation. Generally speaking, education is mostly geared towards careers and not family life. Until some years ago, our society was not adversely affected, as family education and support was automatically acquired within one’s family since childhood. Unfortunately this does not happen anymore as today’s families are small and most experienced mums work out of the house and cannot provide support.

Unless the relationship started on the right footing, becoming a parent can be very challenging, to say the least

Besides, the demands of today’s society are very different to what they were as little as 50 years ago – only one generation away. To save the situation, it is time that a well-organised programme for family life finds its place in our education system through different sources.

Such a programme would address the person. Self-confidence, self-esteem, assertiveness, communication skills, respectful behaviour, responsibility, problem solving and decision-making are a few requirements that would help one build a personality good enough to become a parent worth the name.

This holds true both for the mother and the father, whether they share their parenting responsibilities under the same roof or not.

Responsible parents should be able to anticipate problems in good time and find problem-solving strategies quickly.

Learning to be a good parent

In fact, such an educational programme could be the only way out and is far better than having to solve problems after they crop up. Whichever way we look at it, well-formed characters are an asset to society and are certainly a good investment, irrelevant of what form of family they come from.

Parenting is usually associated with mothering, but the truth cannot be further. The father holds a most important place for the well-being of the family. Studies show there are less problems during pregnancy and childbirth when the father is actively involved.

Most fathers primarily feel financially responsible for ‘bringing home the bread’, but his physical presence and practical support cannot be replaced and surely contributes to the relationship.

Studies show there are less problems during pregnancy and childbirth when the father is actively involved

This holds true also for the mother. It is good to point out that it is not the amount of time spent home, it is the knowledge of how to spend it fruitfully that counts most. On the other hand, it is also good to remember that there cannot be quality time without quantity time!

Parenting is an art that needs to be learned. It is not instinctive. There is a fine line between doing too much and doing too little in parenting. Respecting oneself is not selfish, and when it comes to making the right choices everyone needs to be respected.

Being well informed is key. A choice cannot be a free choice unless it is well informed and then well supported.

What works with one family does not necessarily work with another. With this attitude, responsible parents will be able to anticipate problems in good time and find problem-solving strategies quickly. They will be ready to answer their own questions like:

How large a loan can we afford with one salary if the mother chooses to stop working for some time before or after the baby comes? How long do I consider best to be with my child before I go back to work?

Do we really need all the expensive baby stuff, or is it just our nesting instinct? Are we ready to accept hand-me-downs from family or friends?

Is the father ready to be a stay-at-home dad while mum keeps her job?

How and where shall I have my baby? What are my choices? Will my carers support my decisions? Am I ready to change carers if they do not?

Am I prepared enough to spend enjoyable time at home with my children, or shall I miss my job? Will that make me a miserable mother/father?

Is my child better off with grandma, or is it better for him to be in a childcare centre? Will grandma feel offended if I choose the latter?

This, and more of it, is certainly a lot on the parents’ plate to chew, but like a well-trained and efficient manager, a parent’s character needs all the requirements that make decision-making and the stress that comes with it a part of everyday life.

Where does the parent get all this empowerment, if not from his education and the support he is given accordingly, even from early childhood?

It is a joy to be a parent, and it is up to society to provide what it takes to help it remain so.

Marianne Theuma is the director of In the Family Way, a school for parents in Marsascala.