What do you do if your children absolutely hate school? Most times, children have a valid reason for doing so, psychologist Cher Engerer tells Veronica Stivala.

Children generally have a very valid reason for hating school, because school in itself should not be an unpleasant experience, says psychologist Cher Engerer. The reasons are various and include children finding it difficult to sit still and stay silent in class for long stretches of time. Some find the structure too rigid, while others have a fear of authority figures and find their teachers intimidating. Some may feel excluded by peers, be too shy to socialise, or may be having unpleasant experiences in the playground, such as bullying.

Alternatively, we also find children who have problems with their actual learning experience. “They may have a learning disability which has not yet been picked up on, and this may contribute to them feeling inadequate when they compare themselves to their peers.”

She notes how sometimes, it’s something merely as simple as eyesight problems, problems seeing the board, which they have not had the courage or opportunity to talk to a grown-up about.

The key, emphasises Engerer, is to communicate with your children. “If you notice a resistance to school, drop everything you are doing, whisk your child out, go have a milkshake and ask them what’s going on. Then certainly, at all costs, take what they are saying seriously,” she advises.

Some find the structure too rigid, while others have a fear of authority figures and find their teachers intimidating

“An argument in the playground may seem petty to us now, but it is vital that we learn to empathise with our children and put ourselves in their little boots in order to appreciate how difficult such experiences can be for them, especially if they do not have the skills to deal or cope with them.”

Engerer suggests role-playing as a solution to be able to explore different scenarios such as what they can do or say if their friends pick on them or tell them they cannot play.

“Talk to your children and go down to the school and talk to the teacher if necessary. Some children minimise bullying experiences to their parents, so it is vital that parents do their own investigations. It is also imperative that we teach our children how to defend themselves,” she advises.

Another reason some children hate school is because they feel insecure and do not want to separate from their caregiver. This is called separation anxiety and can even cause a full-blown school phobia if not tackled well. If the problem is severe, Engerer says it would not be a bad idea to get help from a professional.

“Separation anxiety can be deeply rooted and have nothing to do with school but be about something that happened years ago, for example, following the birth of a new younger sibling. It can also be a sign that the child needs more attention or quality time with their caregiver.”

Ultimately, parents have an important role in educating their children not simply in an academic matter, but in the art of ­excitement.

“We need to teach our children how to make meaningful contact with life and the world they are living in. The messages we give our children from the very start of school are so influential on how they will perceive school. Instead of telling them to behave on their way into school, we should say things such as ‘have fun today’, ‘make a nice day for yourself’, ‘learn lots of new things today’.”

The parents speak

Josette Ciappara

My daughter Marta’s antagonism towards school was more related to the set-up of the system she found difficult to follow. This grew on her when she started secondary school.

I could not quite understand this as she was very popular at school. My only consolation was that she always did very well in her exams and on Parents’ Day I always heard high comments about her.

Marta’s idea of school was always that of an informal, creative and participative environment. She always had a mind of her own and was very mature for her age. Thank God, I was blessed with a head of school who was most compassionate and who supported us throughout these years. I also sought the advice of school counsellors and psychologists who always encouraged me to have patience as Marta was a bright child who was too advanced for her age.

What I always did was to expose her to different extracurricular activities like learning how to play the piano, attending gymnastics, drama and piano lessons. This allowed her to vent all the energy she would have bottled up at school.

At home, however, there were rules and I never budged from them. For example, I would never cover up for her if she did not do her homework. We used to go abroad on holidays at least twice a year.

Parents who go through these experiences feel torn between their duties of educating their kids and seeing them suffer every day and abiding by the school rules. The worst is when certain members from the teaching staff refuse to understand that this reality can sometimes drive both parents and children to a point where they are regarded as failures. It is very positive that the education sector is finally acknowledging it needs to start a system that can provide a less formal environment where kids can enjoy a more hands on education with less academic emphasis.

Tutzi Cassar

Although I didn’t have much of a problem with my children hating school, when my son Sam was very young I noticed he was a slight misfit because of the language problem, since he spoke English and most other students spoke Maltese.

One way I tried to help him out was to get as involved in school as I could. I know this may pose a problem for working mums but I volunteered for school outings and sports day and even offered to give art lessons.

Once I got to know a few of the boys and mums at school, it helped to invite friends over and the mums for a chat. Children need familiarity so it helps that they can bridge the friends and home together. Also, as a family we had the daily prayer time at night, and I would ask: “What made you happy today and what made you sad today?”

I found out lots from those two innocent questions and we tackled issues like bullying head on.

I think we need to be very proactive in our children’s lives. School is not the baby-sitting service we dump our kids at. It’s an extension of the education we give our kids, which originally starts at home in the family.

Psychologist Cher Engerer’s tips on how to make things better for children who hate school

1.Spend enough quality time with your child before they start school.

2.Instill a positive and exciting attitude to learning in your child. Praise them for being independent and resourceful enough to leave your side.

3.Organise play dates for your children on weekends or in the holidays so you ensure they are making meaningful connections with peers.

4.Get them excited by involving them in the process of buying new stationary.

5.Communicate well with them and explore their fears, anxieties and fantasies.

6.Make their lunch box fun and fill it with their favourite foods.

7. Leave little notes in their lunch box e.g. I love you, or draw funny faces on their sandwich wrapper.

8.If they have separation anxiety, let them take a bit of you to school with them, e.g. a photo or your favourite scarf.

9.If they insist on taking a toy or something they love to school with them, allow them to, even if it simply stays in their school bag, it will give them a sense of security.

10Give them an incentive to look forward to such as a treat after school e.g. a trip to the swings, an ice cream, etc.