The first year of school can be daunting for some children, while for others it is a plain-sailing experience. Simonne Pace talks to Daniela Mallia, mother of three-year-old Gianluca, who started play school last year for the first time, and educational psychologist Juan Camilleri, who says that although separation anxiety is a normal response when children leave their parents for the first time, it can be an unsettling affair.

Gianluca Mallia, 3, started play school for the first time last year. His mother, Daniela, a manager at the Malta Tourism Authority, juggles work and home life as best she can.

“Thanks to the flexibility my job allows and help from my parents and in-laws, I have managed to build both my career and my family,” the 33-year-old mother says.

Daniela, her husband Robert and Gianluca live in Siġġiewi and have a seven-year-old German shepherd called Linc.

“I felt excited to send my son to play school. Being an only child, it was good to encourage him to interact with other children and learn to share and play with others. Separation anxiety was obviously a concern, but Gianluca benefitted from the experience. The learning curve in terms of knowledge, conversation, songs and social interaction was exponential,” Daniela says.

Educational psychologist Juan Camilleri, father of three girls, says separation anxiety is considered to be a normal response when young children are required to leave a parent or another primary caregiver, especially when experiencing first day of school, a totally alien situation unknown to children.

“Separation anxiety creates questions for us parents. Although it is an entirely normal behaviour and a beautiful sign of meaningful attachment, separation anxiety can be unsettling for us all. Even though we are often reminded that our children stop crying a few minutes after we leave them at school, we very often feel we’re doing it all wrong when the child clings to our legs, sobs for us to stay and mourns the parting,” says Juan, who has a 20-year background in psychology and education and has been working in private practice since 2007. His youngest daughter, who is four years old, will be starting her first year at school now.

Gianluca being a friendly child, Daniela admits she wasn’t worried he would not fit in.

“We felt anxious and wondered if he was still too young to start school. However, I strongly believed that the benefits would outweigh the difficulties. Seeing him cry was always worrying and going to work wondering if he was happy was hard to handle. I would feel flustered the whole day.

My aim is to get him excited to return, learn new things and see his friends again- mother

“However, I was always assured by his teacher that he stopped as soon as I left. As time went by, his attitude changed and he started looking forward to going to school and meeting his friends. This did wonders to my peace of mind but was also a bitter-sweet realisation that my son was growing older and no longer felt the need to be with me all the time.”

Juan says that in early childhood, crying, tantrums or clinginess are typical reactions to separation. Separation anxiety can begin before a child’s first birthday and may crop up again or last until a child is approximately four years old, but the intensity level and timing can vary from child to child. However, in most situations, the anxiety is likely to fizzle out over time, as the child acquires confidence and feels safe enough while at school.

“On the other hand, some children experience anxiety that doesn’t go away easily. If separation anxiety is excessive in terms of severity and intensity and if it persists to interfere with normal activities like school and friendships, it may be an indication of a larger problem,” explains Juan, whose work also involves assessing difficulties related to school performance and learning behaviour, followed by home and school intervention.

The unknown, Juan says, is always fearful and even more so for school-age children. So the likelihood of separation anxiety is higher and understandably so. However, for some, even going back to a familiar school with the same children and teachers can be daunting.

Daniela says buying her son Gianluca a school bag and lunch case made him feel involved and excited that something was going to happen. His mother also took the week off from work and prepared him for the school-time morning routine, waking him up and putting him to bed earlier.

“Having already been to school last year, I keep asking him if he’s looking forward to going back this year. I think having a new teacher will be a big change for him as he was quite attached to his teacher last year. However, Gianluca is very adaptable, so I’m not overtly concerned that he will not fit into his new routine.”

Juan says not wanting to go to school may occur at any time, but is mostly common in children aged five to six, when they are dealing with the new challenges of primary school. These children may suffer from a paralysing fear of leaving the safety of their parents and home. Refusal to go to school also often begins following a period at home, during which the child has become closer to the parent, such as a summer vacation, a holiday break or a brief illness.

Can a parent make the experience any better for their child?

In preparation for Gianluca’s first day, Daniela says she often spoke to her son about school. “Getting him used to the words ‘school’, ‘teacher’ and ‘friends’ helped make his first day easier. He now understands the concept better and there is more excitement. He remembers what he did at school in terms of art and crafts and also recognises the school building. So my aim is to get him excited to return, learn new things and see his friends again.”

From a psychological point of view, Juan says talking about school in advance helps make the child aware of what going to school entails. It’s healthier for children to talk about their feelings and they certainly don’t benefit from not thinking about it.

“Having a school orientation visit, meeting teachers, seeing the classroom and meeting up with other children will all contribute to making the experience exciting for the child. Before starting childcare or preschool, practise going to school and the goodbye ritual before you even have to part ways. Give your child a chance to prepare, experience and thrive in your absence. Anticipate separation difficulty. Be ready for transition points that can cause anxiety to your child, such as going to school or meeting with friends to play. If your child separates from one parent more easily, have that parent handle the drop-off,” he suggests.

He explains that when separation anxiety persists over time and remains intense and frequent, there is the risk of the presence of separation anxiety disorder (SAD). SAD is not a normal stage of development but a serious emotional problem characterised by extreme distress when a child is away from a primary caregiver.

Give your child a chance to prepare, experience and thrive in your absence- psychologist

However, since normal separation anxiety and separation anxiety disorder share many of the same symptoms, it can be confusing to try to figure out if your child just needs time and understanding or has a more serious problem. Play and other art therapies are known to be the most effective way of dealing with challenges of the sort in younger children.

The main differences between ‘healthy’ separation anxiety and SAD are the intensity of your child’s fears and whether these fears keep the child from normal activities. Children with SAD may become agitated at just the thought of being away from their parents and may complain of sickness to avoid playing with friends or attending school.

When symptoms are extreme enough, these anxieties can add up to a disorder. Children are more likely to suffer SAD if they come from closely-knit families and are socially more withdrawn.

So when should a parent really worry or seek professional help? Juan points out that parents should be concerned if their child regularly complains about feeling sick or often asks to stay home from school with minor physical complaints, as these could indicate the presence of a disorder.

The child’s panic and refusal to go to school is very difficult for parents to cope with. However, the psychologist says, these fears and behaviour can be treated successfully with professional help.

You can ease your child’s separation anxiety by staying patient and consistent and by gently but firmly setting limits. Here are some steps you can take to make the process easier:

• Practise separation: Leave your child with a caregiver, be it grandparents or others, for brief periods and short distances at first, which can be lengthened gradually over time.

• Schedule separations after naps or feeding: Rituals are reassuring and can be as simple as a special wave through the window or a goodbye kiss. When separating, give your child your full attention, be loving and provide affection. Then say goodbye quickly despite the child’s antics or cries for you to stay. It is important that parents never sneak away when the child is distracted or not looking, as is sometimes encouraged. This is more distressing to the child and it can be traumatic to turn round and not find the parent. Tell your child you are leaving and that you will return, then go.

•Do not give in to lingering around: Although it is very painful for a parent to leave a crying and clinging child at school, it is important to leave quickly and reassure your child that everything will be fine. Setting limits will help the adjustment to separation. Be consistent. Don’t return to the room and don’t cancel plans based on separation anxiety. Your ongoing consistency, explanations and diligence to return when you say you will are precursors to success. Do not revisit the school an hour later or call several times to check that everything is alright.

• Keep your promise: You’ll build trust and independence as your child becomes confident in the ability to be without you when you stick to your promise of return;

• Keep familiar surroundings when possible and make new ones familiar: It would be good if the child is taken to the new school before the actual first day to familiarise at least to the physical surroundings and new premises.

• Have a consistent primary caregiver: It is better if the person taking the child to school and collecting them is the same over time, especially until the child settles down;

• Be consistent: Try to do the same drop-off with the same ritual at the same time each day you separate to avoid unexpected factors. A routine can diminish the heartache and will allow your child to simultaneously build trust in their independence and in you.