Facebook made way for Facebucket last week as the ALS ice bucket challenge spread like wild fire into all Maltese households. Which meant, of course, that we had all the time in the world to snoop on people’s houses.

I am fascinated by houses and I’m not the only one. Mark Vella, the author of the newly published X’seta ġralu Kevin Cacciattolo, a compelling whodunnit set in 1980s Malta, wrote on his Facebook wall: “It looks like in Malta everyone lives in villas, houses of characters with huge gardens and pools and enormous rooftops. I still haven’t seen a challenge carried out in a bog-standard flat.” Chuckle, chuckle.

Any anthropology student out there still mulling a topic for dissertation need not look any further. The ice-y videos being posted every other second (will there ever be an end to this?) all show that we are living a nouveau riche era, where pools rule: the ultimate proof that you are now a member of a better class.

Of course, it is highly commendable to work hard and become richer. Deep down, we all aspire for a bit more cash in our pockets. God knows how many times I’ve sat down with my girlfriends, over a bottle of wine, trying to think up of buck-rolling plans (the latest: selling chickpeas grilled in Gozitan honey – you guessed, inspired during a weekend in Gozo where we raided the cupboards for all sorts of things to feed six hungry children).

However, I tend to be wary of a sudden drastic jump to a more affluent lifestyle, because it can be confusing for everyone, and life can suddenly become all about money, and about making it a point to tell people that they ‘have the money’.

I have just read my daughter a book called Billionaire Boy by David Williams – about a man who suddenly becomes a billionaire after inventing, err, a special kind of loo roll.

At one point, as the man is boasting to his new girlfriend (a Page 3 bimbo) that he has 17 homes, the butler announces that the foie gras was ready to be served. But the delicacy was way beyond his tastes, so: “Three waiters entered the room carrying silver trays. They carefully placed the plates down on the table. The butler nodded and the waiters lifted the silver covers to reveal three packets of Salt ’n’ Vinegar crisps. The billionaire attempted to eat his crisps with a knife and fork to appear posh, but soon gave up.”

I thought this imagery captures completely the spirit of what I think has happened in Malta. As I read Vella’s book, I was immediately taken back to the very rudimentary life early 1980s. But that was followed by the affluent 1990s without any gradual transition. Consequently we have a good number of people out and about with their pockets stuffed with bank notes, kitted in designer sunglasses, Ralph Lauren shirts and Dior handbags but untrained in social manners of their new contexts.

The ice-y videos being posted all show we are living a nouveau riche era

A case in point is the summer boat life in Malta. The number of boats out at sea is increasing every year. “Boats are the new summer houses,” said an acquaintance the other day. (Just as well, at least with boats you can’t just plonk a container on the best beach, convert it into a mini-house and then eventually even get an official smart meter.)

But you can spot a nouveau riche’s boat by a mile when out at sea – they cross your paths, they suddenly come speeding next to you too close for comfort, and in general, dangerously show off. All plain bad manners.

By all means, build a pool, get a boat and a Dior bag and flaunt them all for the ice bucket challenge video, but then please be modest and discreet the rest of the time.

• Artist Nadine Noko last week posted a brilliant sketch summarising the headline news: no to women swimming in burkini (at the Marsa Sports Club), no to women dancing in bikini (at a feast in Sliema) but yes to the obese Maltese man boobs.

But maybe with all this talk of ice and ice buckets, we can find a solution to our, ahem, vast obesity problem. Perhaps the Health Department should consider promoting the Ice Diet.

In a nutshell it is based on consuming ice lollies and slushy ice drinks, even the odd margarita, and watching the kilos melt away.

Dr Brian Weiner, a US gastroenterologist, said he discovered the power of ice while making an effort to reduce his own middle-age spread. By his calculations, ingesting one litre of ice daily – in the form of sorbets and crushed-ice drinks, ice lollies and Slush Puppies – would burn about 160 calories, the energy equivalent of a yoga or a power-walking session. The way I see it, it’s the perfect way to solve the island’s fat problems.

• In the UK, half of the people who threw an ice bucket over their heads did not donate to charity. Please, if you’re nominated and you accept the ice bucket challenge, donate to alsa.org or to hospicemalta.org, which takes care of ALS sufferers here. Without donating, the challenge is utterly pointless.

krischetcuti@gmail.com
Twitter: @KrisChetcuti