For years, when I visited Malta with my family, there was a game we always played on the airplane. It went: let’s see who spots that godforsaken island first. Sometimes, nobody won and we’d say the pilot must have missed it, only to suddenly find ourselves cruising along the apron.

Last week, it really happened. Four airplanes missed the island. They couldn’t land because of a power outage and ended up in Sicily instead. It must have been a gruelling experience for tourists on board, but they really shouldn’t lose heart.

It can be quite pleasant here in Malta, for a while at least. All you need is a few tips on how to get around.

Unless you have nerves of steel, don’t drive. Our highway code has been out of print for decades. Drivers genuinely do not know what a fast lane is, they’d look back quizzically if you try to honk them out of the way. Indicators and stop signs are an unnecessary luxury and yes, our traffic lights have only one colour, amber.

Avoid getting stuck behind pickup trucks because they often think they’re riding their sulkies. An arm hanging out lifelessly from a window means the driver’s in no hurry and cars with tinted windows are not secret service vehicles on a life and death mission, the drivers just think they are.

Also, do watch out for potholes. Over the years we’ve managed to rebuild quite a few of our roads, compliments of the EU. But we still haven’t mastered manholes and patching, so we’re effectively still back where we started, that’s around 100 years ago when trams were a sensation.

Buses can be a challenge. We have an assorted fleet with quite an assortment of drivers. Until not long ago we had a professional bus service run by polite, well-mannered and well-dressed drivers, who used indicators and bus bays. Alas, that is all gone. Labour’s found another company.

Our Transport Minister went personally to Spain to check the new buses; that much of an interest he takes in his job. Labour says they’re going to turn Malta into the best country in Europe. It looks like it’s going to take some time. If you’re going to use buses, it’s going to take some patience.

There are taxis too, of course. They’re very private. The previous government had wanted to install CCTV in each of them but Labour has scrapped the plan after reaching a deal with taxi drivers we only found out about after the election. We were never told why, but the possibility of comparing CCTV footage with the amount of receipts issued by taxi drivers may have had something to do with it. But that’s just a wild guess.

Whatever form of transport you may wish to risk, just remember that for this country’s government the customer always comes first. Just don’t run away with the idea that the customer is always right or that we don’t have any rules on our roads.

Believe it or not, the use of mobile phones while driving is an offence. We had wardens once but they issued too many tickets, people complained, so our customer-friendly Labour government practically pulled them off the streets. It is still a risk to use a mobile phone if you’re just visiting. You don’t have a vote, you see, so you don’t qualify as a government customer. A warden may be tempted to book you, for old times’ sake.

We have another word for customer care here in Malta; it’s called patronage. We got it from the horse’s mouth this weekend, from a government spokesman (the Prime Minister disappeared into the darkness since the outage). He said the government would compensate its main customers, households and families, and not businesses for losses incurred from the outage. That would exclude tourists, then.

The policy, he said is “based on our pro-customer approach as a government”. And we all thought a government goes for the common good.

Our government is generally based in Valletta, but they’re hardly anywhere to be seen at the moment, so this is just the right time to visit the city. The main roads are paved and pedestrian, except next to a ministry or two, where parking is apparently permissible. If you’re lucky the minister and his staff are on holiday and you’d be able to move freely.

We have another word for customer care here in Malta;it’s called patronage

The city’s an architectural gem and a break from the bland buildings that plague the island. There’s a brilliant architectural masterpiece by Renzo Piano still under construction at City Gate, but it is advisable not to look too awed at it.

Local illuminati think it’s a cheese grater. Don’t spoil their delusion.

A boat tour around the harbour is also worth the while. Ignore the high-rise buildings and concentrate instead on the details.

Fort St Angelo in the middle of the harbour has a long story to tell. In the last war, it was called HMS St Angelo but in more recent years, during the Golden Years of Labour, it was converted into a disco. Labour caused that fort more damage than any enemy attack.

There is also Gozo. It is advisable to take the telephone number of the Gozo Minister, just in case you miss the ferry. He’s very customer-friendly. Once you could phone the Police Commissioner to skip the queue, but sadly, he’s gone.

There’s a cute little beach you could have visited in Gozo, Mġarr ix-Xini, but it is closed to the public because our Prime Minister is filming a blockbuster film there, at least, that’s what he makes it sound like.

The government claims it shall leave a huge economic impact on its customers in Gozo. Visitors can watch the blockbuster.

Careful too if you want to visit Ġgantija Temples. Like Mġarr ix-Xini, the Neolithic temple may be closed because our President is organising a charity ball there. You have no idea the lengths we Maltese go to so as to raise funds for charity. Our President would brave the wildest jungle animals for charity, even if those animals were locked up in a wholly illegal zoo at Ħal Farruġ.

There’s something about Labour that just attracts them to those Neolithic temples. Maybe it’s because they look so primitive.

Years back, Labour used another temple, Ħagar Qim, to stage a musical called Ġensna. It had some sweet tunes but the lyrics were immensely offensive to our war fallen. There’s a Labour myth that World War II was not ours to fight and that our fallen have died in vain.

Ġensna perpetuates that very lyrically. Naturally, the fact that the British war machine was what kept the country afloat for one-and-a-half centuries and that our fate was intrinsically tied to Britain and the free world eludes the average Labour IQ.

The Nationalists have put a stop to Labour’s antics at Ħagar Qim by tenting the place. Now Labour’s swarming in on Ġgantija.

Eating out can be an adventure. There are quite a few illegal restaurants around, but what isn’t becoming illegally-legal in Malta nowadays? Customers must be served.

The staple traditional dish is rabbit, which comes in various shades of toughness. You can find it anywhere but you know you’re at the right eatery for rabbit when you can’t hear yourself speak. It’s not the food that counts here, it’s the loud company.

Noise, you soon come to learn, is what makes Malta so unique. It epitomises the Maltese character and way of life in its every aspect. It can kill you sometimes.

So forget a candlelight dinner and join the rowdy crowds. Unless there is a blackout, of course, a bit like in the war we were never meant to join. Then a candlelight dinner will have to do.

If you stay around long enough and pick up some Maltese, you’d be able the hear a gullible crowd shouting away how benevolent their customer-friendly Labour is in throwing them some morsels as compensation for the outage. The details are still being worked out, according to the government spokesman. The last time our shameless, opportunist and populist government came up with a similar bonanza, it was a two-cent discount on our fuel.

Makes you want to remain in Malta, doesn’t it? Best in Europe already, some say.

Foreigners, whose wars Labour says we fought for nothing, are just like those poor, unwelcome immigrants who come here to do the jobs no one else wants to do.

They don’t have a vote, so they don’t count for much in sunny Labour Malta. Unless they want to buy a passport, that is. Then they’d get a security escort. They’re suddenly high-value customers and may even get to skip traffic jams too.

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