Minutes of extraordinary meeting of Ħas-Siġra local council:

Present: All local councillors, with the exception of Ms Rita Zarb Plankton – who was excused on account of her not wishing to miss this evening’s episode of East Enders.

Agenda: The only topic on the agenda was the attempted usurping of Ħas-Siġra’s iconic 18th-century monument by the neighbouring raħal of Santa Tracy.

Considering the seriousness of the occasion, the council was first addressed by the mayor, Mr Eugenio Barbara Busuttil:

“Friends, countrymen, collea­gues: I address you this evening, more in sorrow than in anger. Sorrow, that such a dispute should ever have arisen in the first place.

“As we all know, the monument that used to sit regally at the end of Ignacio Parlato Grech (awtur) Street – junction with Fabrizio Charlatano Colombo (attur) Boulevard – was this village’s crown in the jewel, and recognised as such by everybody.

(Pause for shouts of “hear, hear”.)

“Everybody knows – everybody that is... with the execrable exception of the burghers of that nasty little community over – what used to be a field... in Santa Tracy.

(Pause for chorus of heartfelt boos.)

“Everybody knows the monument belongs to us. Everybody knows that the Castratoni Arch was erected in 1709 by Grand Master Luigi Castratoni, to form part of the entrance to his hunting lodge on, what used to be, open land... where our village then and now proudly stands.

“For the record: That acquisitive little turd... also known as the mayor of Santa Tracy... maintains that, on the contrary, the Castratoni Arch, which incidentally they call the Santa Tracy Arch – the cheek of it! – was originally erected in 1708 by a wealthy landowner from their miserable little hamlet, as a thanksgiving for a bounteous kaċċa season.

“What rubbish! Even in those days there were no ‘bounteous kaċċa seasons’. They also assert – erroneously – that the arch was stolen by thieves from our village and relocated near the spot where I... we shall be reconstructing it.

Friends... they will usurp our monument over my dead body... or rather over the dead body of the council secretary

(Pause for more raucous cries ranging from “hear, hear” to: “Let’s stuff the grasping b******s!”)

“All total rubbish, because as any thinking person knows, the Castratoni Arch has occupied the same spot within... yes within the boundaries of our beloved village. And... its much lamented disappearance came about as a result of a single drunken British squaddie on a motorcycle, demolishing it and him one wet and windy evening in 1948. So any claim of ownership by the charlatans from the next village is wrong on all counts.

“Friends... they will usurp our monument over my dead body... or rather, over the dead body of the council secretary. Since I am obviously far too important to lay down my life for that snivelling little swine across that sprawling building site, which we still refer to as Ġianni’s field.

“Unfortunately, we shall not be able to reconstruct Castratoni Arch in the exact same location which it allegedly occupied previously. This is because that area is now filled by a showroom, four fast-food outlets and 176 government apartments.

“So we shall reconstruct the Castratoni Arch in the middle of the roundabout nearby. The cost for all of this will be borne by ourselves and – hopefully – with the aid of a substantial grant from our beloved EU.

“Upkeep of the Castratoni Arch will be ensured by charging engaged and newly married couples a substantial fee for posing near or under it, in order to get their wedding photos done.

“So, I now call on all council members to vote on my proposal: All those in favour shout ‘Stuff Santa Tracy’!

“Unanimous! Excellent; work will begin as soon as I’ve had words with Mepa. Then, of course, if all else fails, we could always drop it and fill the space with a showroom and apartments.”

Postscript: Since this, seemingly irrevocable, decision was taken, we understand that the councils of Ħas-Siġra and Santa Tracy have, in fact, reached agreement on both the siting and naming of this arch. We now understand that it will be sited midway between the two villages and will be called: The Castrato Tracy arch... ahem.

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