Placing children first, above everything else, is creating a generation of parents who feel enslaved by their children’s needs.

Effectively parenting a child today is not easy as there seems to be a very fine line between overprotectiveness and careful parenting.

Parents are surrounded with mental images of ‘the good parent’ which place children first, above everything else; a concept that is virtuous in itself but which is creating a generation of parents who feel enslaved by their children’s needs. These parents are engulfed by a myriad of constant worries on how their children are going to respond to every minute event of their life.

Some new parents start off by complying blindly with their child’s every wish, finding themselves seven or eight years down the line with a child who is totally in control of family life.

Such a child, for instance, decides the menu for each day; does not use the bathroom unaccompanied; still sleeps in the parents’ bedroom; decides on family outings; has tantrums in supermarkets when parents do not purchase every requested item. This attitude has a gradual build-up and parents mostly become aware of the problem when they find themselves in a complete loss of parental authority.

The ironic downside for the children is that they are actually more disempowered by this scenario, as they find themselves unable to cater for their basic needs in the absence of their parents.

For instance, a child who is accustomed to being accompanied to the bathroom might be unable to use the toilet independently when not at home. Another example occurs when children rely on their parents to do their homework to the extent that they do not perform in exams and class work. This could further put children at risk of harm when they need to then take their own decisions to keep safe.

These children are frequently unable to accept ‘no’ as an answer. Having had little discipline in their childhood, it is more difficult for them to develop a sense of self-discipline in their adolescence and adulthood.

While it is beneficial for a child to have experience decision-making in his or her family life, it potentially dangerous for that child to be in control of the family dynamics. In my work I come across several parents who fail to comprehend why their children are so needy all the time and why they are not appreciative of all they have.

There needs to be a sense of responsibility, anticipation and fulfilment for a child to appreciate what is theirs. This is the result of either having parents who sometimes deny petty demands or else who instil a sense of reward for achievements.

Is there a way in which one can reverse this pattern of behaviour? Yes, although the process is difficult; however, with a commitment to a fresh set of negotiated family rules, the situation could gradually improve whereby more balanced parenting is achieved.

Furthermore, any extended family members involved in the child’s life need to be included in the action plan. This process requires high parental perseverance and consistency over a prolonged period of time.

Professional help is available from many different educational sources nowadays and access is quite straightforward. Seeking early the required help for what might seem to many a petulant family difficulty would prevent a series of much more complex problems at a later stage in the child’s development for both the child and the family.

Bianca Chircop is a school social worker in the Church School Social Work Service at the Secretariat for Catholic Education and is the coordinator of the service. She graduated in social work in 2004, and obtained a postgraduate certificate and diploma in family therapy (Tavistock-Appoġġ). She is currently reading her Master’s in Social Work with Children and Families at the University of Malta.