It’s a word which is always at the tip of our tongues in the face of adversity. “Kuraġġ!”, we love saying to the afflicted person with a slight tilt of the head, our faces etched with a tinge of pity.

“Kuraġġ!” we say again, this time squeezing both hands to make sure we pass on the ‘kuraġġ’ in extra doses.

I was once at the receiving end of the ‘kuraġġ!’ proclamation. When my father died six years ago yesterday, I contemplated wearing a badge on my chest banning people from saying the k-word.

In the end, angry at the world as I was, I developed a menacing walk and an equally threatening look and no one dared utter it again.

Having said this, ‘kuraġġ!’ can be mild compared to the list of stupidities people tell you when trying to console someone with bad news. Here’s a list of first-hand ones:

• “I know how you feel, the father of my second cousin thrice removed died when he was 109, kemm bkiet…”

What do I, at that precise moment, care about your story? It would be decent if people spent less time talking and more time listening. You never know how the other person is feeling and actually, you can only do that by listening – but people, I find, always just want to talk about themselves really.

• “It’s better like this – it could be worse.”

Nothing is worse than death or serious health issues: write it down 100 times every morning and night.

• “Isa, be strong.”

I was chided for shedding tears. Now, I’m all for the chin-up philosophy, but if could not give myself the permission to feel sad, scared and a little weepy in tragic circumstances, then when would I? Other variants include “You should go for a holiday”, or as someone told my mother, the day my father died: “Well, now is the time to start driving again; go on, get behind the wheel.”

• “Call me if you need anything.”

That’s the most narcissist comment in the history of supporting another person. You have to make an effort and call. Drop by briefly with some food, offer to babysit and call to check in whether you think they want you by their side or not. For several months after my father died, I was in no mood for socialising, but my cousins and my closest friends never gave up on me until gradually I started saying yes to their simple invitations such as a walk by the sea front or a lunch.

• “Ara, let’s change subject: did I tell you my mother and father are celebrating their 50th anniversary.” There is discomfort around talking about death; and a lot of plain bad manners.

• “You should stop mentioning your father in conversation – it will make it harder for you to get over the pain – you need to move on.”

Don’t you ever say this to anyone. Just because someone dies, it does not mean that their memory has to be erased off the face of the earth – dead people are still part of the family.

• “Time heals all wounds – you’ll be back to your former self in no time.”

Time does not heal; you just learn how to cope better. Over the years, you will smile and laugh again and you’ll patch your heart together again with glue, but the pain will always be there.

• “God wouldn’t give you more hardships than you can carry.”

Ludicrous. It’s like saying God is slave driver.

Next time you’re offering your support, do it the right way

• “There’s a reason for everything.”

My pet hate. Even if there is a reason for everything, do you really want to hear that at the moment when a loved one has been snatched away from your life?

• “Are you praying?”

It is not the time to lecture about faith. Keep your personal beliefs to yourself and take off your missionary work hat.

• “Have you heard from your ex-husband?”

Because, of course, it is the best time to remind someone of another terribly sad moment in their lives.

• “Think positive.”

Another word that makes me want to gnaw my knuckles: we’re obsessed with it these days and it smacks of fakeness. Repeat after me: it’s okay to feel negative at times.

• “You’ll be fine. I just know it.”

Only say this if you’re a psychic. No one knows the future and pretending everything is going to be fine is downright condescending.

Instead, what do you say? Things like: “I hope you’ll be comforted by memories”; “I don’t have any words of comfort”; or “Try and make this a soulful experience” or else, just say nothing at all and simply be there.

Kuraġġ! next time you’re offering your support to someone, do it the right way.

krischetcuti@gmail.com
Twitter: @KrisChetcuti

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