“Oh hullo, is that 2133 7799?”

“Yes, how can I help you?”

“You placed an advert in today’s Times.”

“That’s right, yes.”

“A garage to let... in Msida.”

“Correct, just off the Msida roundabout.”

“A large garage?”

“Well... you’d be struggling if you wanted to park a combined harvester or an earth mover in there, but it is quite adequate for the average family saloon.”

“Size?”

“Um... five metres deep and four metres wide.”

“How high?”

“Internally it’s... let me see now... just over three metres, I believe.”

“Just over three metres?”

“Or so.”

“And what are the acoustics like?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“The acoustics... what are they like?”

“I, I’ve never really thought about them. Oh I suppose adequate for a one-car garage.”

“Hmm, we’d have to check that. Could we get a drum kit and amps in?”

“Er, we are talking about a garage here. You know.”

“But big enough for a premier rock artiste to rehearse in?”

“Erm... well, yes, I suppose so. I haven’t really considered... ”

“Let me level with you Mr er...?”

“Darmanin Doublesin.”

“Right. I am calling from the ministry.”

“The ministry, which ministry?”

“The Ministry of Garages, of course. And, well, we are looking for a suitable garage, to be used as a rehearsal studio for one of the most prominent musical artistes on the planet.”

“Musical... artiste?”

“Indeed. And if I may say so... a megastar.”

“Erm... right. It’s not that ghastly little Canadian midget is it, Justin Beepers... or whatever his name is?”

“No, this is our very own home-grown Maltese rock super-mega-star.”

“I didn’t know we had any.”

“Oh yes indeed. I’m afraid I can’t tell you his name. Suffice it to say he is one of, if not the biggest Maltese singing star. Yes, Willi – er this person has charged my ministry with furnishing him and his band with a suitable rehearsal space. So that is why I am being so particular.”

I am to music what Luis Suarez is to veganism

“I see, then I suppose you or this mysterious global phenomenon had better come and check the place out for yourself.”

“Not me, I am to music what Luis Suarez is to veganism. No, it is essential that Wil – my client gives the place the once over.”

“Fair enough.”

“Tell me, what is the soundproofing situation?”

“In the garage?”

“Yes, of course.”

“I’ve no idea... pretty poor I’d imagine. We were trying to let it as an aluminium workshop, but the neighbours got a bit twitchy and...”

“Oh don’t worry, if Wi – my client likes the place... and the neighbours complain, we’ll just yell ‘Malta tagħna lkoll’ at them, tell them to get stuffed and carry on regardless.”

“Anarchy rules eh?”

“Exactly... erm, do you think there would be room to install a recording control room in there?”

“In the garage? Ooh depends.”

“On what?”

“On how big you’d want it to be.”

“I’ll check that out. Incidentally, I’d be grateful if you’d treat this phone call as top secret. Your discretion will be most appreciated.”

“Fine, but why? I mean – from what you are telling me – you have a client who wants to rent a garage as a rehearsal room. What’s the big deal about confidentiality etcetera?”

“I would have thought it was obvious: If the general public... and by the general public I mean young girls of a certain age. If they get to know that Wi – my client is rehearsing in a private garage in Msida, they will probably all make for that garage, and my client will find himself besieged in his own rehearsal room by thousands of screaming post-pubertic female fans.”

“You reckon?”

“Absolutely. We are talking about Malta’s equivalent of... ooh, Elvis Presley here.”

“Elvis Presley is dead.”

“Allegedly... OK then, Tom Jones.”

“He’s only half dead. Look Mr er... I don’t think my garage is going to be suitable, so... ”

“Wait, wait... don’t hang up. If you won’t rent it to us as a recording studio... could Willie... er my client perhaps rent it to garage his Toyota?”