I am so teed off... angry and... no, I am actually incandescent with rage. Why? I’ll tell you: Apparently the interfering busybodies – aka the authorities – are proposing to designate a number of our beaches as bona fide legal nudist beaches.

What are they thinking of? For goodness sake, if they do that, then everyone will know where they are – and I and my mates, frequenters of the peripheries of said foreshores, will be crowded out by a whole host of new naked-lady-watchers and thrill-seekers. Look, we who enjoy such things already know where the best nuddy beaches are, we don’t want a whole load of interlopers muscling in on our ‘hobby’ – alright!

For me, there’s nothing quite so thrilling as rounding a headland in my fregatina and getting a birds-eye-view of a beach full of nubile... and very in-the-buff ladies.

I usually go out on ‘bird’-spotting missions with my good friends Leli and Anġlu... seasoned ‘bird’ watchers, both of them. We set off at around the time that the appropriate coastal areas are filling up with the great undressed. We equip the boat with our high-power Zeiss binoculars and 12-bore shotguns. Not that we ever use the guns, they are there to explain away the binoculars... just in case we get intercepted by a police patrol. It has happened, so we just tell them we are hunting birds at sea – and they go away quite happily... ahem.

Viewing undressed ladies from the water can be a little hazardous. It wouldn’t be the first time we have got so... well... agitated that the whole fregatina has capsised. It doesn’t do the binoculars a lot of good, or the digital cameras either. But then, as I tell my friends, we are not doing anybody any harm and the only people we’re abusing are ourselves. And none of us has gone blind... yet.

Some people spend their spare time with hobbies like... mother-in-law baiting or grenade football. Fine, cool, good luck to them. Gawping at young women in a state of deshabille on certain shorelines is what I do in my spare time; and I totally ignore and reject the opinions of all those spoilsports who call me stuff like sad, sicko or pervy. It’s my hobby and everybody should have a hobby... right?

One thing I am grateful for is the fact that Times of Malta’s exposure of the best nudist beaches in Malta didn’t also include those on Gozo. Oh yes, there are a few up north too. In fact, during the summer months my friends and I frequently make the journey up there to stake out our positions near the very best coastal areas for striparama Għawdex.

But I have also observed that even our very own local girls are becoming much bolder and less prudish about stripping off in public

Naturally, we don’t sail the fregatina up there, so we have to take in the scenery from the land above the designated beaches. We get to our posts nice and early and make ourselves comfortable disguised by trees, bushes and other assorted scrub. A flask of coffee and a newspaper make the waiting period bearable, before the action starts. And when it does... we are good and ready. In fact, someone looking at our hideouts from a beach full of stripped-off female talent once observed that the whole area above one particular seashore looked rather like a scene from the Scottish play.

I find that German and possibly Dutch girls are the least inhibited and also the least likely to be put off by a gang of drooling, shuddering men. But I have also observed that even our very own local girls are becoming much bolder and less prudish about stripping off in public. Long gone are the days when the sight of a Maltese girl in – or out of – a bikini was a rare occurrence.

So this is my appeal to the authorities. Please, I beg you, keep the ban on nudist beaches, don’t legalise and promote any of them. We, the dirty young men of Malta, need our kicks and you can help by giving them to us.

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