There has been no shortage of material written to guide parents through child rearing and development. As a young woman as yet uninitiated into the circle of motherhood, there’s very little wisdom I could hope to pass on about what makes a good parent or a bad parent. But I can tell you exactly how to be The Most Obnoxious Parent On The Planet. You can annoy your family, friends and neighbours with startling ease and efficiency. All you will need is a child and a basic lack of consideration for others.

Step one: never correct your child. Correcting a child when they are being rude, loud, destructive or hurtful will only cause them to be more bearable to other adults. If you are striving for true obnoxiousness, this is certainly not what you want. If your child decides to throw a tantrum in a public place, or play too roughly with other children on the playground, simply act as though you haven’t seen or heard a thing. Please, also be sure to completely ignore anyone who complains.

Step two: your child is perfect. It is import-ant for the thoroughly-obnoxious parent to keep in mind that their child is never, ever at fault. Bad grades are almost always a sign of incompetent teachers; poor performance in sports and arts programmes are due to favouritism. Any complaints of bad behaviour or bullying from your child is only caused by the overly-sensitive cry-babies in their class.

By no means should you discuss this rationally or ask your child for more effort, a little patience or better behaviour. Instead, please feel free to shout at teachers and generally be as loud and rude as possible; you are under no obligation to listen to anyone but your perfect little angel.

In only a few easy steps, you too can annoy your family, friends and neighbours with startling ease and efficiency

Step three: everyone loves crying babies. If you have an infant, or a particularly young toddler, remember it is completely appropriate to take them with you wherever you want to go. There is nothing that cinema-goers love more than the sound of a screaming baby in the middle of a tense plot twist.

This works particularly well if the film you have selected is in no way appropriate for young children. Do not bother to remove yourself and your upset child from the cinema as this could make you miss a particularly juicy part of the story.

Step four: the world is your toilet. Any child still wearing nappies will need to be cleaned up a few times a day, even if you are out and about. Please feel free to dump dirty nappies anywhere you like, disregarding any garbage bins in plain sight. Everyone knows that you are a special parent, and they will simply clean up your mess for you after you’ve moved on.

Step five: talk about nothing else. Hey, do you know what everyone else wants to talk about? Your child! All the time! Make sure to speak about absolutely nothing but your child with everyone you encounter, and try to have at least 50 practically-identical pictures to show off at all times. There is nothing on this earth more interesting to everyone than your child.

Even if your conversation partner has child-ren of their own, yours is definitely more entertaining. Similarly, your Facebook friends are all dying to see photos of your baby’s first poo, so make sure to post it repeatedly.

Step six: take your time. Don’t worry about being late when you have to pick your child up. Whether they are at school, ballet practice or just being watched by a friend or family member, remember that everyone is only too happy to adjust themselves to your schedule.

Your child’s teacher will only be too happy to wait an extra 45 minutes without any kind of warning, just as long as you arrive whenever is best for you.

Don’t worry about apologising, or attempting to be polite in any way; this will only temper the obnoxiousness and make you seem sympathetic.

Instead, simply waltz in and pick up your child whenever you feel it is convenient, and ignore any anger or inconvenient questions.

Step seven: illness is no excuse. Something as trivial as the flu or a stomach bug should not be enough to deter you from sending your child to school or a party. Other parents will thank you for the opportunity to clean up your child’s vomit from their carpets, and you’ll get a break from all that complaining at home.

Best of all, your child will learn to share by happily passing on the virus that’s been making them cough and sneeze for the past days.

And there you have it. With a little practice, and some disregard for the people around you, this prestigious title is only too easy to achieve in just a few short months.

Alternatively, you could just think about other people every now and again – but where’s the fun in that?