I’m no statistician. In fact, numbers make my teeth vibrate and my brain hurt, to the extent that I am never allowed to work out the bill or divvy up the proceeds of any venture as I have to do it at least three times and get a different answer, and wrong, every time.

So when I spot a headline that says that Malta’s passport is ‘26th strongest’ in the world, my first reaction is for my eyes to glaze over and my attention to wander in search of something more interesting.

However, for some reason or other, probably linked to the fact that passports (more accurately, the sale thereof) have figured in the news of late, I took a closer look at the article, wondering whether it wasn’t some sort of advertorial by Henley & Whosit, subtly placed to boost sales for them and their business partner, the Government of the Republic of Malta.

Whether or not it was an advertorial shoved in by Henley & Wossname I don’t know, and don’t much care, but the piece was based on the number of countries you can get into by waving a Maltese passport at the person personning border control at whatever country of which you’re hammering at the door. Forgive the cumbersomeness of that last sentence but I hate ending a sentence with a preposition so I sometimes get a bit knotted.

Oh, and ‘personning’ is the PC version of manning because you’re not allowed to say manning any more, are you?

And Argentina and the Helvetic Republic go into extra time, as I write.

Back to our 26th ranking passport, you’d think it was impressive, wouldn’t you, that tiny Malta is so high in the table?

Buzz, wrong answer: from what I could see, we’re the lowest ranking EU State, which strikes me as being moderately strange, since we’re supposed to be on a par with the rest of them.

Can you imagine where we’d rank if we weren’t a member of the EU?

Henley & Thingummy would have made a pretty lousy investment in their association with our government if that had been the case because we’d probably be running head to head with the Peoples’ Republic of Inner Hindustan or something on those lines.

While wondering what to write about on this pleasant summer afternoon (I’m writing a bit early this week, for logistic reasons, so don’t take it that Wednesday afternoon was a pleasant one), my eye was caught by another story about this country’s ranking on the world stage, this time saying that we rank amongst the countries which do good, more precisely, “Malta among countries which do most good to the world”.

We do have one of the best tenors in the world but, seriously, third place out of 125 countries for culture!

Well, if that doesn’t give you a warm and fuzzy feeling, what does? We don’t get to the World Cup finals or anything like that but we’re among the countries which do most good to the world.

Taking the table at face value first, a closer look will show you that out of the 125 countries taken into consideration, we rank last among the Europeans, at least on the basis of the table reproduced in the story.

There goes that warm and fuzzy feeling, then, even if we deserved it in the first place.

Most worrying is the ranking we get in the ‘Prosperity and Equality’ column, 99th, and the ‘International Peace and Security’ (66th), with our 64th place in ‘Science and Technology’ coming in a close third for eyebrow raising. In areas that count, we’re sorely lacking, it would seem.

But should this table be taken at face value, as many appear to have done?

I know it’s summer and that people are more prone to taking their leisure than casting a critical eye over this sort of story but surely that’s no excuse for just pinning it to the portal or shoving it onto some page of the paper?

At least, not without posing a couple of questions.

One such question, or set of questions, relates to our third place ranking in the culture column, after Belgium and the Netherlands.

Now, I know we have one of the best tenors in the world plying his trade on the international boards at the moment but, seriously, third place out of 125 countries for culture!

Why is this?

Have the great leaps into the cultural firmament taken by the Valletta 2018 Foundation under the presidency of that cultural colossus Jason Micallef been taken into consideration or what? Is he, in fact, and contrary to the evidence, actually guiding the Ship of State into a cultural Valhalla, a steady hand on the tiller and with culture oozing from every pore?

And, not to be too parochial about it, precisely how, pray, do Belgium and the Netherlands get ranked first and second?

I’m not saying that we should have beaten them, far from it, but Italy and the UK, to mention but two, are below them, for heaven’s sake.

The Minister for Gozo, changing the subject as one does when one runs out of what to say, has let it be known that he is fairly gasping for the day when fares for Gozitans and Maltese are the same (at the lower level, I assume he means) during weekends, so that Gozo will get the benefit of more internal tourism.

The dear chap should be careful what he wishes for: it is debatable whether the infrastructure can really handle the influx generated by the perception that people will be saving a few euros.

It’s bad enough as it is, especially when the weather is good and the holidays combine in handy bridges, with queues extending up the hill and beyond and if the minister wants to cut down on Gozo Channel overtime at the same time, there won’t be much shuttling of ferries.

Being careful what they wished for wasn’t something that characterised the public mutterings of certain NGOs before the 2013 elections: they very clearly, if not overtly, wanted the country shot of the PN government, for various perceived if not actual crimes against the environment.

Well, they got what they wished for, when the democratic process ground itself out and handed Joseph Muscat a resounding victory at the polls.

I get the funny feeling now that they’re feeling a bit like the suitor spurned, left at the altar looking a bit like a lemon.

Say what you like about the Muscat government, it hasn’t been characterised exactly by a great deal of tree-hugging or badger-preserving (I know we don’t have badgers, it’s an expression).

This has led the NGOs that have these things close to their hearts to make a few desultory statements, though with nowhere near the decibel level that was evident when ‘GonziPN’ ruled the land.

I’m pretty sure that their latest joint statement, with the immortal line about the government closing a blind eye to the very worrying developments being perpetrated by developers, was not accurately reported (‘closing a blind eye’ is about as useful as using a candyfloss club to beat sense into someone) but the sad fact remains that the developers are feeling well empowered just at the minute, to the detriment of the environment.

Pretty much on the same lines as the bird-killing fraternity, when you think about it. Luckily, with the PN interposing itself as a brake on the government’s somewhat bullish stance on immigration (at least for local consumption; at EU level, it’s another, sheepish, story) the insular racists might not be feeling so uppity.

And the Swiss just miss out on getting a penalty shoot-out. Now that the abysmal English and the awful Italians are out, this has become an interesting World Cup, even if not so emotionally engaging.

imbocca@gmail.com

http://www.timesofmalta.com/articles/author/20