More and more men are choosing to wait until their 30s or beyond to become dads – so how does this affect fatherhood? Jo Caruana chats to one in-the-know father to find out.
What’s your stereotypical image of a dad? Someone running on a football pitch perhaps, teaching his son to shoot a goal? Or a young man busily juggling full days at work, with evenings of homework, board games and bedtime stories? Or, maybe, a father whizzing through the finish line of the ‘daddies race’ at his children’s school sports day?
All of those stereotypes can fit the reality of many modern fathers, but what about the dads who leave it a little bit later to have children? What about the men who don’t have a child until they’re in the early 40s, or even later; how do things differ for these men and their families?
At 41, Rupert Cefai was around 10 years older than the national average when he and his partner, Dorothy Scicluna, became parents to their little son Ġużè, who is now one. Cefai certainly proves that being older doesn’t make him any less of a hands-on and energetic dad.
“Having a child later in life wasn’t something I really planned, it just sort of happened that way,” says Cefai, a well-known artist. “I wasn’t too worried about how much life would change after so many years of being child-free, but I knew it would be different. In actual fact, life changed way more than I could ever have expected!”
Older dads often say that they left things later because they wanted to tick as much off their to-do list as possible. Some want to travel the world, others long to extend the freedom of being single, while others simply don’t feel ready for the responsibilities that go hand-in-hand with fatherhood.
“The thing is, you never quite feel ready… so you might as well go for it,” Cefai quips.
You never quite feel ready… so you might as well go for it
In fact, some would argue that older dads can make better dads in many ways. After all, as we get older we tend to find more time to focus on the important things, and many feel as though they are in the ‘right place’ – whether that’s emotionally, mentally, geographically or financially.
Cefai describes the moment that he became a dad as the moment he realised life had a purpose.
“It was then that I realised we’re here to take care of the next generation,” he says with a smile. “It was the moment when another human being became the centre of my life, and the fantastic moment when I found I had someone to play with!”
Of course there have been challenges. Much like many ‘older dads’, Cefai cites stamina as the aspect he lacks most.
Nevertheless, the good bits make up for it. “It’s wonderful to be able to relive my childhood,” Cefai says excitedly. “Although Ġużè is still really young, we get up to all sorts of silly things together. We always seem to be having a good laugh. At the moment he is fascinated by the letter ‘w’; he giggles when he hears it and I cannot but smile when he says ‘da-bi-loo’.
“There have also been a couple of hilarious incidents – possibly related to me not being used to having a child around just yet. On one occasion, shortly after Ġużè started to utter his first words and he was learning to mimic a lot of what we said, I opened a can of tomatoes and accidentally spilt them all over the kitchen counter.
In my frustration I shouted out the ‘f’ expletive and then realised my little boy was all ears. I looked at him for a moment, wondering if he would repeat what he’d heard, when he proudly shouted ‘duck’! It was quite a relief… I guess I should watch my language more and more as time goes on.”
Age: Is it just a number?
Are you facing the prospect of being an ‘older dad’ – perhaps in your 40s, 50s or even beyond? Worse things have happened. In fact, there are some very good reasons to embrace daddy-dom, whatever your age.
You have wisdom. By the time you reach your late 30s, you tend to know a lot more about life. Of course, you knew a lot in your 20s and early 30s too, but now wisdom has started to take hold.
This type of knowledge will help you to look at things differently and to pass that wisdom onto your little ones – whether they’re stories of your youth spent travelling, or the experience of knowing how to fix a carburettor (and not paying someone else to do it). Pass that wisdom on, but do remember that your children have to find their own way of doing things for themselves, as that they live in a very different world to the one that existed when you were their age.
You have time. You’ve travelled, partied, worked and lived. You’re not finished, by any stretch of the imagination, but you’re probably past your manic desire to tick boxes. This will hopefully give you the yearning to slow down and focus, as well as to give your children your time too.
You have confidence. Remember how confusing everything was when you were younger? Were you good at your job? Did you like your career? Where was the next pay cheque coming from?
Age brings a sense of confidence that allows us to put our worries on the back burner and just get on with it. This is a fantastic element to pass on your children. It will give them a sense of safety to achieve whatever they want to, and will give you the confidence to allow them to do exactly that.