The difficulties faced by single mums are often brought to public attention… but what about single dads? Here Jo Caruana chats to two single dads to learn how they cope when they have to go it alone.
Younger girlfriends. A return to single life. A lighter schedule. The freedom to do as you choose, when you choose. These are all stereotypes of being a single father.
Many assume that it is all roses for the dads, while it is the mums that end up having to take on the burden of school runs, discipline and bedtimes.
But the truth of the matter is actually very different.
“It’s really hard not being with my daughter all the time,” says Brian*, who has been separated from his daughter’s mother for four years. “To be honest, back in 2010 when we decided to go our separate ways, I thought it was the life that I wanted. But, as the days, weeks and months passed by, I really started to miss having my little girl around.
“Today my daughter has just turned seven and I see her nearly every day. Thankfully, even though our custody contract stipulates that I can only see her on Tuesdays and Fridays, my ex-wife and I have an amicable relationship that has allowed us to find the situation that suits us best.
“Every Saturday my daughter and I spend the whole day together. I pick her up at 9am and we really maximise our time – we play, we eat, we go out for a walk or run errands. Mostly, everything seems normal, although I do get the odd sensation that something is missing.
“We’re a close duo, though. While my daughter is quite shy, once she gets started she chats on and on. We talk about everything – her karate lessons, the ongoing preparations for her Holy Communion… even politics! I love hearing her opinions on things.”
As a single dad you sometimes feel as though something is missing
Brian says that, on those Saturdays, he has to take on the role of both mum and dad. “I nurse her, care for her and cook for her. Those are that aspects that are, traditionally, handled by the mum of the family, even though I don’t necessarily agree with that. Sometimes it is hard to juggle everything that your child needs at once but it has to be done.”
Brian believes there are some plus points to being a single dad. For instance, he relishes the quality time he has with his daughter, when it’s just him and her. He also enjoys the freedom that comes with it, as “we do what we want”, he says.
“If we want to play, we play; if we want to go out, we go out. Of course there are responsibilities to be adhered to as well, such as getting her homework out of the way as soon as possible, but, for the most part, we enjoy every moment that we have together.”
Brian is also quick to pass on advice to dads who may be getting separated and facing the prospect of less time with their children. “Don’t let anyone, not even your family or your lawyer, create bigger rifts with your ex-partner than there have to be. The fact that my ex-wife and I can still discuss our daughter’s life and can work together on certain things, makes all the difference.
“Being a single parent isn’t easy, but it’s bound to be a lot harder if there is animosity between the parents. Remember that your children come first and they shouldn’t have to feel caught in the middle.”
Equally resolute about not embroiling the children in the challenges of his separation from their mother, Michael*, has two young children to care for. He has been separated for three years and he has been their full-time carer for most of that time.
“Personally, I find it quite difficult to balance being a single dad with my job. I work with the AFM so I have a variety of shift patterns to manage, but I am lucky that my superiors have been very supportive. My children’s mum also keeps them at night if I need her to.”
Thankfully, aside from the challenges, there are also some light moments for Michael. “We were watching the pantomime recently and my daughter suddenly needed to go to the bathroom, so I obviously took her,” he says with a smile. “However, unfortunately, the ‘disabled’ toilet was out of order so I had to take her into the ladies. The looks I got were pretty frightening but I didn’t really have much choice. It’s just another of the things you get used to doing when you’re a single dad!”
Top tips for single dads
If you feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities of being a single dad, this advice could help to guide you.
Be affectionate. Mums often feel more comfortable than dads about showering their children with praise and affection, but it’s important that this aspect doesn’t slip by the wayside. Give hugs, kiss little injuries, say ‘well done’ and make time to just sit together, reading or playing.
Plan. Even if you only see your children on one full day a week, create a structure for that day. Try not to upset their routine, so stick to timings for breakfast, lunch and bedtime, as well as homework and playtime.
Think ahead. When you’re on your own it’s extra difficult to juggle all the things that can (and do) go wrong – such as your child falling ill just before you rush out to work, or you needing childcare if something comes up last minute.
Reduce the stress levels for you and your kids by creating a support network of friends, family and babysitters who you can call on if you need to.
Don’t feel guilty. It’s so easy to blame yourself and to spoil your child so as to make up for that. Don’t.
Go easy on yourself and accept the shortcomings of the situation.
Do the best you can but don’t over compensate.
* Names have been changed