What do I have in common with Angela Merkel, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, J.K.Rowling, Beyonce and Ira Losco? It’s not the brains. It’s not the arse. It’s not the fame. It’s not the power. It’s not the money. (Darn, I’m always the odd one out on all counts). No, the one thing we have in common is the fact that we are all firstborn children.

A new study – ah, I love these studies – reveals that if you are the eldest child and female, you are statistically more likely to be the most successful and well-qualified of all your family. This is the latest groundbreaking analysis by avid researcher Feifei Bu at the Institute for Social and Economic Research, University of Essex.

Ignore her name – Feifei – unless you’re pregnant and on the look-out for an original name which has not yet been listed at the Public Registry; instead take account of the fact that she is a first-born girl, and the only one in her family reading a PhD.

According to Ms Bu, next in line for success are firstborn boys. All 12 men to have walked on the moon were either eldest or only children. US Presidents Barack Obama, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush were all firstborn.

Also, firstborn children are more likely to become stars. Mick Jagger, Paul McCartney, Mary Spiteri, Chiara and what’s-his-name-who-won-the-Eurovision-this-year are all firstborns or only children.

However, if you are second-born, or third-born, you need not despair. There is a chance you might make it to stardom, if your parents were wise enough to leave a four-year gap between each one of you. The wider the gap, the more the chance of your success; the narrower the gap, the more likely you’ll be the Cinderella to your top high-flyer siblings.

I hereby declare a particular interest in this study: I am a firstborn. And therefore I am riveted. What success awaits me round the corner, I wonder? Will Gerard James Borg be penning a ditty for me for next year’s Eurovision? Will I beat Nathan Farrugia in an Iron Man challenge spanning over eight continents?

Will I be the next Marlene Mizzi? (Keep calm Marlene, it won’t happen just now, so no need to go on Facebook and declare war on me). Or maybe in grand Ophra-style, I’ll be taking over Xarabank and become the new Lady Peppi.

But just as my excitement was mounting, my eyes caught the small print of the study: firstborn children may be more likely than second-borns and third-borns to be overweight in later life.

Oh well, we can’t have it all, can we?

If you are the eldest child and female, you are statistically more likely to be the most successful and well-qualified of all your family

• Last week I was in Valletta reporting the ritualistic carnivalesque ‘funeral’ organised by City football fans to taunt their rival teams each time they win the league. It was a cacophony of black humour, coarseness, euphoria, obsession and booze intermingled with a great sense of community spirit. Even the middle-aged Beltin ladies who perch in their balconies wearing gold ciappetti, kitted themselves in black and held in memoriam candles in their hands.

I am quite the football fan and I support my home team Hibs, but the passion the City people have for their team is not to be found in any other village or town in Malta. They turned up in hundreds, dressed up as death, as zombies, as priests, archbishops and monsignors. Some even printed ‘obituary cards’ featuring Birkirkara die-hard fans. Like I said: black humour in its very essence.

Modernists took to social media claiming that it was “really in bad taste” and that “it was upsetting for the children” and that it was sheer “ħamallaġni”.

Sometimes I think we are really keen on killing any remnants of Mediterranean spirit we have in us. This was not a Disney-esque event. It was something which Lonely Planet would list under ‘Off the Beaten Track quirky and culty.

We want everything to be politically correct and sanitised but I’m afraid that’s killing our spontaneity and wit. God forbid this funeral is ever taken over by the Culture Ministry and given fondi to make it more modern-family-friendly.

What is it about Valletta though? As we watched the whole jubilant procession unfold before us, my colleague came to the conclusion it must be the geographic location of Valletta. It’s a peninsula – it’s completely cut off, unlike any other town or village in Malta. There’s the feeling that you’re safe from the għadu once you’re behind the gate. Which probably explains the strong sense of belonging, the lack of identity crisis in City people, and the incredible sense of confidence all Beltin have.

I’m thinking now that you really win the lottery of life if you’re a Belti and you’re the firstborn of the family: it’s the perfect recipe for lifelong success.

krischetcuti@gmail.com
Twitter: @KrisChetcuti