My neighbours have a habit of congregating outside their doors and having long-winded chitchats about their lives. Now I know that this is quite a tradition in Malta, and I would probably find it quaint and fascinating if only they didn’t do it in decibels that are impossible to ignore.
Lately, with the weather favouring them, the situation has become almost unbearable because with my windows slightly open, I can’t help noticing (a.k.a eavesdropping) that they inadvertently refer to each other using words that expose their deep-set misogyny.
With their heads deep under the hood of some modified Escort, the men ‘endearingly’ call each other faggots pufta, and, with their heads in florescent green curlers, the women candidly call each other sluts qahba. And when on occasion their older children are out playing ball, one of the adults always has to tell the youngest boy not to ‘throw like a girl’ or, even worse ‘like a sisi.’
Of course, they think absolutely nothing of it and, had I to confront them about it they’d argue that they don’t mean what they say. “I have no problem with gays,” the men will say; “of course not,” the others will add in unison. “It’s just a funny habit we have. We just call each other faggots for fun, but we don’t mean it in that way.” The women will make the same argument and I’d be left seething and rolling my eyes into my forehead.
Thing is, we grow up with these words; they’re instilled in us since childhood. We spend long years of our lives listening to people referring to fashion as ‘girly things,’ and to men telling each other to ‘man up’ or ‘grow a pair.’ They become so part of us that we don’t realise the real impact these words have on how we perceive women and anything feminine or effeminate.
And sadly people don’t believe that words are very tightly linked to thoughts, actions and behaviour. In fact, most would never think that words like ‘slut’ and ‘whore’ can be directly linked to violence against women. They’d also have a hard time believing that the universal use of the word ‘men’ is a big part of the reason why at first thought, we can hardly phantom a woman as a postman, fireman, or a chairman.
For centuries, we’ve been told to use the pronoun ‘he’ when referring to people in general, but research has shown that we now tend to use the word ‘he’ even when referring to high status professions like doctors or lawyers. We then revert to thinking ‘she’ when referring to nurses, teachers, cleaners and hairdressers.
And, whilst we never use the term ‘boys’ to refer to grown men, no one bats an eyelid when grown women are referred to as ‘girls’.
The best local example of this phenomenon comes through loud and clear in the latest video produced by Men Against Violence L-Irgiel Kontra l-Vjolenza in collaboration with Ministry for Home Affairs and National Security.
Whilst it is genuinely intended to raise awareness and defend women, unbelievably, it refers to women as ‘girls’.
“It’s never ok to hit a girl,” says one of the signs in the video.
Another says: “A girl is not your property, she’s a human being.”
But when the messages refer to males, the word ‘boys’ is never used -‘Men against violence” says another sign, and, Ghax jien ragel (not tifel) jien ma nerfax idejja.
Watch video here – Men Against Violence Video
Whilst the initiative should be applauded, the use of the word ‘girl’ to refer to grown ‘women’ is actually part of the problem. We need to get it into our heads that words aren’t just sounds and that when we use male words as the norm we label maleness as normal and everything else as ‘the other’.
This is probably the most subtle but effective way of making every other group less important, more invisible, and ultimately easier to justify injustice and violence against.