Shock horror! The news hit me at lunch. I almost swallowed my tongue... well, not mine exactly, but some deceased bovine’s. What news? Well obviously the sad tidings that – bless him – Johnny Dalli had lost another job.

Apparently, somebody... (said the new Minister of Health?) has decided that poor little Johnny – bless him – is no longer in charge of the Mater Dei makeover. I can recall when, way back, when the PM asked Johnny – bless him – to make our national infirmary into Malta’s answer to the Cedars of Lebanon, we all applauded. Bravo! we all cried, that’ll show Barroso who’s boss around here. Go Johnny go!

And now, less than a year on... our poor little snus sorter is back on the scrapheap. It’s not fair, not fair at all.

So... I, Sylvanus, would like to take up the cudgels on the behalf of the ex-commissioner for fags and fevers. It’s obvious, we simply need to find yet another cushy sinecure for your friend and mine... Johnny can do – Dalli.

But what? I mean, short of cladding him in a red stretch lycra bodysuit, giving him a kiss curl and teaching him to fly... unaided, his options are a bit – to say the least – limited. Oh I’m sure that in time our illustrious PM will find him something to keep him off the streets. But that’s not the point; we need our Johnny – bless him – to be out there right on the front lines... calling the shots.

We need our Johnny – bless him – to be out there right on the front lines... calling the shots

To be honest, I always thought sorting out a mere hospital was rather demeaning – and way beneath the capabilities of one of our few, very few superstar politicians-cum-statesmen. So I’ve put my thinking speedos on and come up with a few more missions impossible for the one and only man who thinks ‘can do’ around here.

After Austin’s apocalypse... or the Arriva balls-up and its afterburn, what better man to sort out the public transport system than Johnny – bless him – Dalli? But when he’s dealt with that, seemingly intractable, problem... what’s he going to do after lunch? Suggestion number two: I think he should be given the task of solving – single handedly – the irregular immigrant problem. I mean, who better than Johnny – bless him – to find a way to get all those poor souls over to Europe and productive work in the car factories of Germany or the cheese creameries of France?

But why stop there? If we are – as we are – blessed with a superman Mr Fixit, why not turn him loose on a global scale? Just think of the kudos of reflected glory for our islands when Johnny – bless him – manages, in two short sessions, to sort out the intractable mess that is Syria. It might take him a bit longer to come up with a solution to the whole Middle East problem, but who better to bring lasting peace and prosperity to that troubled region?

A lot closer to home... why not let Johnny – bless him, sort out the almost intractable conundrum of hunting, both legal and illegal. I’m sure there’s nobody better to reach a solution that would make both the hunters and the abolitionists happy. Also, there’s no way either side could accuse him of being an interfering foreigner; heck, he had hardly touched down in Brussels before Barroso had him on the next plane out. I’m certain a man of his experience and sagacity would find the spring hunting problem a doddle. And he obviously enjoys the full trust of the PM, so why not let him loose among the birds and the buckshot?

His new boss in Castille could also make good use of Johnny – bless him, to swell the country’s coffers. How? Well, with all his outstanding attributes, Johnny – bless him, could simply predict all the winning numbers in the weekly Super 5 draw. Just think what that would do for our balance of payments.

But there is one task our seemingly omnipotent former EU commissioner won’t be asked to tackle. After their collapse at the last general election, dear Johnny – bless him, would be the obvious person to make the Nats electable once more.

Dream on...