Last week, Sylvanus enjoyed an unprecedented stroke of luck. I managed to acquire – don’t ask me how – a copy of the missive sent to each and every local warden, instructing them on measures to try... yes, at least try... to make them just a little more customer friendly.

The letter came under the signature of a certain Mr Edgar Spiteri Bloom... otherwise known as Il-Kommandante.

“Dearest friends, colleagues and fellow nasties,

“You will, of course, have got wind of the fact that there is a concerted move afoot to try to interfere with the present smooth, not to say efficient, not to say brutal workings of the previous government’s greatest gift to society and to us... the local warden scheme.

“As we all know, this has been working as near perfectly as makes no difference, ever since its inception in 1996. But apparently some anti-social busybodies are intent on essaying the almost impossible task of making us more compassionate and understanding.

“Ludicrous? Well of course it is. First they give us the tools to do the job, then they take them away... typical.

“Anyway, for what it’s worth, these are some of the – frankly rather cranky – instructions I have been instructed to pass on to you.

“What you do with said orders is entirely up to you... but I didn’t say that... OK.

“Firstly: All local wardens will be required to attend compulsory courses in smiling. These will be held in the establishments listed overleaf. I repeat that these lessons must be attended by all of you. Exemptions will only be considered on presentation of a medical certificate stating that constant stretching of the muscles of the mouth and – rarely – around the eyes, will exacerbate an already chronic affliction.

“Wardens will report to one of four district smiling academies in Malta, situated in Zabbar, Floriana, Sliema and Mosta. There will also be an academy in Victoria, Gozo. The smiling course will comprise 25 lessons – although in the case of the Gozo contingent, it will constitute 35 lessons, since the authorities seem to feel the wardens in our sister island definitely require extra attention, when it comes to both politeness and inefficiency.

All wardens are instructed to see themselves as friends of the community, not enforcers

“The courses will be led by professional smiling coach Ms Emmeline Borsalino Borg.

(Il-Kommandante comments: Smiling? Bloody smiling? What are they trying to do to us... turn us into human beings?)

“Secondly: (Il-Kommandante comments: And this is the one that really gets up my nose) All wardens are instructed to show a high degree of tolerance to first offenders and to educate the felon, instead of booking him or her.

(Il-Kommandante comments: I mean... for crying out loud! If you are going to have to let off every first offender with just a bollocking... how are we ever going to see any second offenders. They hadn’t thought of that, had they!)

“Thirdly: Official ticketing machines will not be issued to newly qualified local wardens, until he or she has completed six months probation.

“During this time the trainee warden will be obliged to foster a caring relationship with both motorists and pedestrians in his/her area of responsibility.

(Il-Kommandante comments: You’ve got to be kidding me! The ticketing machine is every warden’s security blanket. Without it we are naked!)

“Fourthly: All wardens are in­structed to see themselves as friends of the community, not enforcers.

(Il-Kommandante comments: Give me strength! Friends? Are these people for real? If we are to be regarded as their bloody “friends”, how the hell are we ever going to batter them into total submission?)

“Fifthly: Instead of issuing fines to motorists who may be breaking the law, try a smile and a group hug instead. (Il-Kommandante comments: It gets worse. I think whoever thought up all this touchy feely warden nonsense needs to get their head examined).”

And there you have it, warden meltdown. I really must try harder not to smile at – what some see as – a total cock-up... starting right back at the beginning with the inception of the local warden scheme.

Sign up to our free newsletters

Get the best updates straight to your inbox:
Please select at least one mailing list.

You can unsubscribe at any time by clicking the link in the footer of our emails. We use Mailchimp as our marketing platform. By subscribing, you acknowledge that your information will be transferred to Mailchimp for processing.