Reply to:

Ms Monica Proust Mangion

Hon Secretary, Malta Naturist and Strip Poker Ass’n,

Flat 164, Floor 137, Ċaqnu Towers,

Sir Agostino Sant Sant Street,

Mdina.

From: Maurizio Pueblo Fenech

Permanent Secretary (At least until the other lot get back in)

Ministry of Propriety and Decorum,

Ira Losco House,

New Bakery Street,

Floriana.

Dear Ms Proust Mangion,

I am in receipt of your request – made on the behalf of your association – for my ministry to turn over to you Ġnejna Bay, as a nudist beach for the exclusive use of members of your naturist group, plus like-minded people.

Indeed, you make a most persuasive case for so doing, citing accessibility and the ease with which this location could be sealed off for the purposes of serving as a permanent base for – what you describe as – Malta’s ever growing naturist population.

Believe me when I tell you that your request has been given long and careful scrutiny by my minister, the parliamentary secretary and myself. However, after much heart searching and no small amount of hilarity, I am sorry to have to inform you that we have decided to regretfully turn down your application – and here are our reasons:

1. The cost and logistics of completely sealing off Ġnejna Bay from prying eyes from land and sea would be both extremely expensive and very difficult to police and maintain.

2. On the subject of maintenance, can you imagine how much cash we – the government – would have to spend to have a maintenance team continually on hand to patrol the barricade, in order to fill in all the... ahem observation holes that would inevitably appear therein?

3. Linked to the last point is the need for a fully-equipped medical team to be on beach duty 24/7. This would be essential to deal on-the-spot with members of your community who – in the case male members experience a surfeit of sun on their... er things. With ladies the same treatment would be necessary should they burn their... whatsits. A professional medical team would also need to be on hand to treat things like jellyfish stings and any other beach-oriented mishaps.

They would also need to be present to treat eye infections, which would be inevitable in view of the fact that – overnight – Ġnejna Bay would become a mecca for peeping-toms. There would almost inevitably also be a commensurate escalation in the risk of temporary and permanent blindness, due to quite another activity.

Overnight, Ġnejna Bay would become a mecca for peeping-toms

4. And allied to this, the allocation of the bay for the purposes you describe would put an intolerable strain on our police force. Can you imagine how many members of the force would be required to maintain law and order on the beach and its environs? I can assure you the additional cost of ensuring a police presence at sea – to repel marine-borne oglers – would be prohibitive.

5. But perhaps the most persuasive argument against the granting of a naturist licence to Ġnejna Bay is tied in with the traffic situation thereabouts. My dear Ms Proust Mangion, have you any idea just how much motorised traffic would clog the roads leading to and from the bay, were I to accede to your request, particularly at weekends. Ġnejna Bay would become the eye of the traffic storm in our islands; all roads would lead to it. For goodness sake, we would see tailbacks from Mġarr to Birżebbuġa.

6. The straw that finally breaks the camel’s back of your request is, however, the one of logistics, and practical logistics at that. I mean, Ġnejna is a public beach, administered by this ministry. And, as such, there are certain duties that have to be performed on said beach.

While I accept that your association would make itself responsible for ensuring that fully trained lifeguards would be recruited from among your members, what about other beach duties? I am referring to jobs such as beach cleaners, deck chair and lounger attendants, plus ice cream and cold drink sellers.

Surely you wouldn’t expect them to turn up and work in the altogether?

So no, Miss Proust Mangion, I’m sorry but sadly we find ourselves unable to accede to your request. But if you do manage to find some privately-owned beach or lido to practise your naturism in... do tip me the wink, won’t you?

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