If I lived in a clan in prehistoric times, would I want to marry – what did they have in those days: partnership, cave unions? – a hunter or a gatherer? Well, the vision of a muscled, loin-clothed man wrestling a bear and then dragging the meat-and-fur package home on his back would have been far more exciting than a man scuttling up trees, picking berries and coconuts. So I have no doubt that my fur-bikini-clothed, hairy, prehistoric ego would have fallen for the alpha male hunter.

But fast forward to 2014. June 2014, to be more precise. Last week we were told that an expo this summer will “define” the “modern Maltese man”. Then we were told that this “cultural conference” will be defining them into four categories.

The choice is no longer between man-the-hunter and man-the-gatherer. No, no. In modern Malta there is: Man the Athlete, Man the Entrepreneur, Man the Adventurer and Family Man. All of them will flock “in thousands”, all thumping each other on the back saying “X’għandna jew?” (‘Aren’t we great?’).

Warning. Here’s a spoiler: the expo champion will be our racer-around-the-world Nathan Farrugia, who ticks five stars in all categories, followed closely by the island’s hottie Xandru Grech.

This gathering of Malta’s finest and vintagiest men is, of course, a showcase for modern-day prehistoric hunters. But don’t you think that today, with their Haka war dances, showy aggressiveness, muscles, tattoos and tight T-shirts, hunter-men are a headache? We need to break it to them, very, very gently – perhaps by means of a free X-box game distributed at the gates of the expo – that humankind no longer needs alpha males to survive.

Just as humankind no longer needs hunting to survive. Which brings me to the point I wanted to make today but got distracted by the idea of testosterone-filled stands and men high-fiving each other: hunting.

In many ways, up till a century ago, hunting was quite a crucial part of nutrition. Wild game was a bonus on the family table; hunting was a talent and an important part of surviving.

But it’s different these days. If you like a little meat in your diet, you probably head to the supermarket or local butcher for your dinner. And that rib-eye steak or pheasant that you eat comes from a cow or bird which was not chased and hunted to be killed, but farmed.

The days of the strutting alpha male are over

Which means that for the great majority of hunters in the western world, including Malta, hunting is a merely a hobby. I suppose it’s handy to have people still trained in killing animals with their bare hands, lest one day we end up in a real version of those End of the World movies, were only those armed with survivor skills would make it (and Bruce Willis and the President of America).

However, until the apocalypse, hunting is just a fun thing. Now it so happens that Maltese hunters do not help themselves much, on ethical grounds: see the Rambos who shoot at protected birds.

But then again, I have very dear friends of mine whose fathers are hunters. And the fathers are perfectly educated, polite, who abide by the rules and get upset with fellow hunters who go on idiotic shooting sprees.

In a sense, hunting is an age-old innate ritual which cannot really be banned, because people would still go on hunting.

So ideally we should all start campaigning for hunting-with-respect-for-life; where the hunter values self-control, respects nature and natural order, does not take more than he needs, and follows the rules and regulations set up by state and local government.

I was going to add that like tribesmen in Africa, Maltese hunters should offer a prayer to the soul of the prey they kill – but perhaps that’s asking too much.

What is certain is that spring hunting must come to an end – it is an atrocious act on the balance of nature – and the sooner we have that referendum about it, the better. Because hunting is now merely decorative; hunters have to take the back row on the issue.

This effectively means that the days of the strutting alpha male are over; as are the days of the adventurer, explorer and what not. Chest beating and carrying dead bears on your back is passé.

What we need is the modern gatherer to take over: the philosophical, calm, beta man, who is aware of others and not just himself, and who without much pomp goes and gets a ladder to climb a tree to the very top to get the ripest fruits.

Quick, you guys, create a new section at that expo.

krischetcuti@gmail.com
Twitter: @KrisChetcuti