Following on Terry Bate’s (March 22) and Peter Apap Bologna’s (March 25) contributions, I would like to make my own contributions, taken from my book I Remember.

After a wet get-together: “It was one of those touching reunions; I myself was touched for a fiver.”

Of a character who is very pompous: “He even gets his fleas at the flea market.”

To the waiter at an expensive restaurant who asked how I wanted my steak: “With the prices you charge I would want it to be very well done.”

To the cashier in a Cairo bank who was giving me grubby notes: “Have you got no money laundering in this country?”

When looking at a well-upholstered chick who was passing by and, of course, getting a double look: “In the words of the poet we look before and after.”

To the fellow who was heard complaining after the Sting concert: “It looks as if you have been well and truly stung.”

When England was experiencing a very hard time playing Trinidad and Tobago: “It may have been better to play them one at a time.”

Declining to take off my shoes to visit the umpteenth mosque in India: “These mosques are mosque of a mosqueness.”

During the crisis in the Middle East with the headline “Rice in Lebanon” I decided to add “And cedars in China”.

To the stationer who had a sign “Stationary “Perhaps you could try a more dynamic approach.”

To a rather boring acquaintance who was bidding goodbye: “See you later.” “Yes much later”.