The recent reports in Times of Malta that there has been an increase in violence against old people, rang a bell with me. Aggression, of any sort, against the elderly is appalling, but what about violence by old people. That is, if anything, even more gruesome – and I have first-hand knowledge of this. My nanna, who has just entered her 90s, is a classic case in point.

Normally she is a dear, sweet old broad who – you’d think – wouldn’t hurt a fly. Ha! Last October she had a close encounter of the ‘turd’ kind with one of her neighbours.

I’ll explain: Nanna is an animal lover par excellence. As long as I’ve been on the planet, she has nurtured a string of – usually – mangy cats and the occasional stray dog. The incident I recall concerned the neighbour’s pedigree boxer, a sweet pooch called Greg.

What happened was this: Nanna encountered Greg – attached by a lead to her neighbour – out on a walk in Ta’ Xbiex. She greeted the dog’s owner, then made a fuss of Greg, who responded by dropping an enormous stool quite close to Nanna’s left shoe.

But this wasn’t the problem, the whole thing got a bit serious when Greg’s owner (I can’t remember his name) gazed at his charge’s steaming turd, then bade my nanna goodbye and walked on. No way! The old lady instantly saw red – and brown. She apparently called to the man to pick up said droppings and deposit them somewhere else... preferably in a bin.

He – according to Nanna – ignored her and started to move away. She, belying her years and angina, rounded on the guy and demanded that he retrieve Greg’s processed lunch. The man then spat – what Nanna claimed was – an obscenity in her direction and attempted to exit the scene.

She, hurling caution and hygiene to the winds, picked up Greg’s dos, grabbed his master by the tie and deposited the faeces in his jacket pocket. She then claims she gave the felon – 40 years her junior – a mighty shove and exited the scene, well pleased with her work.

OK, that’s a fairly extreme example of geriatric belligerence; there are more... many more. For example: My friend Alex is just about getting around with a Zimmer frame after last month being the victim of a vicious assault by a speed-crazed octogenarian.

Alex was apparently minding his own business, taking his morning constitutional on the pavement along the Sliema seafront when... he was brutally assaulted by this 87-year-old Jenson Button clone on a mobility scooter.

Those things are bloody lethal. Their electric motors are silent, so you don’t hear them coming, until they creep up behind you – at speed – and the next thing that happens is that you wake up in Mater Dei Hospital. Which is precisely what happened to poor old... well, oldish Alex. When I went to see him, he had a few choice words for the inventor of the mobility scooter... and for the cowboy who nearly put him in the Addolorata... 30 years ahead of his time.

My friend Alex is just about getting around with a Zimmer frame, after last month being the victim of a vicious assault by a speed-crazed octogenarian

But by far the most insidious and violent ancients are to be found along the Sliema front and occasionally near the yacht marina in Ta’ Xbiex. These are the old – usually, but by no means exclusively – men, who sit, apparently passively, on seats, clutching their walking sticks and looking as though butter wouldn’t melt in their mouths.

Then, as soon as a jogger or a cyclist approaches, they sneak out their walking cane, hook side up, and send the unwary athlete crashing to the ground by hooking their stick around the leg or legs of their quarry.

To mollify the situation – after they have struck – they indulge in profuse apologies and sometimes even help their victim back to his – or more rarely her – feet. I am reliably informed that they score a point for each victim downed, and the record for one Sunday morning is a staggering nine joggers and two cyclists (11 points).

I’m told that caution has to be taken when hobbling cyclists, because once the stick has been thrust through the bike’s spokes – their grip has immediately to be released, otherwise the hobbler may well get hobbled.

So there you have it... renegade geriatrics. So while everyone should deplore aggression against the old, there are two sides to every story.