It takes work to have a healthy marriage, but it is possible. Simonne Pace finds out from family therapist Karen Bishop that couples seem to face their toughest hurdle at the beginning of married life. Here are some of the challenges she faces with couples receiving therapy...

What are the most common problems couples talk about during therapy?

Being a couple is a beautiful but challenging experience. A lot of couples struggle with maintaining a balance between the ‘I’ and the ‘we’, that is between their individual identities and needs vis-à-vis what the couple needs to grow together as a pair.

Some people might invest a lot of energy in thinking: “What do I need from this relationship?” at the expense of thinking about: “What does my partner need from this relationship? What can help us grow as a couple?”

This is a challenge all couples face, especially at the beginning of their married life together. The idea of the honeymoon and being all lovey-dovey is more often than not a myth. I encounter many couples who struggle at the beginning of marriage.

It is a period where the couple needs to make a lot of adjustments. For most couples, it will be their first time living together. They are creating a new lifestyle as a couple, learning how to manage a household together and renegotiating relationships with parents and in-laws.

Maybe some advice would be to listen more rather than make assumptions about what’s going on for their partner

A lot of couples feel they do not have permission to talk about this since everybody expects them to be happily in love, but in reality many couples encounter difficulties until they settle into their marriage.

Can the problems be solved?

These difficulties can be worked through if both partners can take responsibility for the relationship and any shortcomings. What I am often interested in is exploring with the couple what makes each of them feel loved.

It is very often surprising to hear what your partner comes up with. Most people try to show love through what makes them feel loved, which might be different from what their partner would actually desire from them. So maybe some advice would be to listen more rather than make assumptions about what’s going on for their partner.

What do you talk about during therapy sessions with couples?

When I meet a couple, I’m always interested in what would make a couple seek help now, as opposed to the years during which the problems have been building up. I would also want to find out more about their beliefs and experiences of what being part of a couple means to them. This helps me understand where they’re coming from and what expectations they entered an intimate relationship with.

Does the Institute of Family Therapy Malta have any statistics on how many clients it sees?

To date, the institute does not yet have any formal records or statistics of clients seen. What we have is a treasure of clinical experience which helps us understand and connect to the increasing complexities of couple and family life.

How many couples do you see on average? Ages, background...?

I have worked with couples from all walks of life. There is no distinction between age, social background or status when it comes to relationship issues. Every couple needs to nurture their relationship; nobody affords to take their relationship for granted.

Is therapy effective?

I’d like to think that I have assisted couples in rebuilding their relationship. For a lot of couples, coming to therapy is a brave step in the right direction in itself. It is not easy to go to a professional you’ve never met before and discuss your personal and intimate issues.

Although therapist expertise is essential, I believe the greatest predictor of whether a couple will overcome the issues that brought them to therapy is their willingness and energy to be there for each other and work together to improve their relationship.

List some destructive behaviours in a marriage…

A very famous couple therapist, John Gotmann, describes how certain attitudes and behaviours are so destructive to a relationship that he even describes them as predictors of divorce. These are continuously criticising one’s partner, defensiveness, namely never taking responsibility and blaming one’s partner.

Another relationship killer is stonewalling, where a partner withdraws emotionally and appears not to pay attention to the other partner when the latter is speaking. Finally he mentions contempt as the highest predictor of divorce.

This involves being spiteful and insulting to one’s partner. Unfortunately, some people think fighting means doing away with basics of respect, hurting each other in the process.

What does/should couple therapy provide?

A therapeutic setting should provide a safe and confidential space where, with the therapist’s assistance, both members of the couple can be heard and, more importantly, hear each other. The therapist provides a medium that helps the couple ‘unravel’ the presenting problem and together collaborate towards finding a more constructive way of dealing with difficulties within the relationship.

Karen Bishop is a systematic family therapist and co-director of the Institute of Family Therapy Malta. IFT-Malta provides training and clinical work in the field of systematic family psychotherapy with families, couples and individuals.Karen Bishop is a systematic family therapist and co-director of the Institute of Family Therapy Malta. IFT-Malta provides training and clinical work in the field of systematic family psychotherapy with families, couples and individuals.

What has been the greatest satisfaction in your career so far?

This is a tricky question! There have been many satisfactory moments. When I see a couple emerge stronger and more connected after some work together, I leave the office feeling happy and hopeful.

How do couples react to couple therapy?

I am a systematic therapist, which means that I try to not only look at an individual on his own, but as a member of a system; the couple being one of the systems a person belongs to.

Clients are very often surprised when I help both members of the couple recognise that they both share responsibility for the relationship and any difficulties that have arisen.

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