Neil Falzon and Roderick Vassallo got married in Portugal, but in Malta their married status is not legally recognised. Alison Bezzina asks why they feel that making it official is important.

Neil and Roderick pose in front of the Taj Mahal on their honeymoon.

Almost two years ago, a couple of hopeless romantics got married in Portugal. Their marriage is not legally recognised in Malta, and neither is their eight-year relationship. So why did they feel the need to marry? Why did they decide to do it, if at the end of the day, their commitment appears to count for nothing?

Neil Falzon (36) and Roderick Vassallo (38) met online when Neil was still struggling with coming out to his family, friends and society at large. Roderick, on the other hand, was a popular actor and openly gay.

“I was still in the closet,” explains Neil, a well-known human rights lawyer and activist. “My very close friends knew that I was having feelings towards people of the same sex but I was not comfortable telling anyone else, especially my family. That’s why I resorted to the Internet. I was hoping to meet like-minded people while hiding my identity.”

“At the time Neil was so scared of being outed that on the site on which we met he had no photo, and hardly any personal information,” says Roderick. “I was adamant not to get involved with anyone who didn’t show their face because with me being so open, I knew that dating someone who wasn’t out, would be very difficult.”

“But then we started chatting,” jumps in Neil, excited about what he considers to be the more important parts of their story. “We talked and talked and talked. At first we used the site’s chatting system but then moved to MSN because it was much more private and convenient. We exchanged thoughts and ideas and likes and dislikes, and though it was all just friendly banter, it was clear to both of us that this relationship had great potential.”

But weeks later Neil still wasn’t ready and had it been up to him he would have waited much longer to meet Roderick in person. “I needed more time, I was still scared. I knew that if I met this man there would be no turning back. I’d have to tell a wider circle of people and that it would then just snowball from there. At the time I didn’t believe that I was strong enough to face the music and was afraid that I’d lose control of the situation.”

“Life however, had a different plan for us,” adds Roderick. “Neil was organising a philanthropic football event for refugees, and because at the time I was taking part in the TV drama Santa Monika, I was called in to take part. That’s where I met Neil for the first time. Had it not been for this strange turn of events, I think that Neil would have put it off forever.”

“He’s right,” Neil admits. “I was petrified, and when I found out that I was going to have to meet Roderick during the event, I panicked. But in retrospect I’m so thankful that things happened the way they did.”

“Our first encounter was weird to say the least,” says Roderick. “I was wearing my football gear, and Neil was in his hideous three-quarter trousers. We were both very formal towards each other and did our best not to let anyone realise that we had any kind of history. We greeted each other cordially and didn’t exchange too many words, but somehow, by the end of the event, it was understood that there was going to be more to this and that we were going to meet again very soon.”

Neil and Roderick soon started dating, and a year into their relationship they exchanged the keys to each other’s houses.

“It just progressed so naturally,” says Neil. “After a short while I couldn’t believe that I had been fighting reality for so long. It felt right, I was in love, I felt loved, and as far as we were concerned we needed nothing else. Slowly, I started telling the people that mattered the most and finally even my family, whom I was most worried about.”

“It wasn’t easy,” says Roderick, “but it was well worth the wait.”

Neil agrees. “…Let’s face it, it’s not every day that you meet the love of your life; the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, but when you do, it’s worth every hardship and every struggle. When I told my mother I could see that she was struggling, because her plans for me were crushed. She loves me to bits and she was very worried that society would not be kind to me. I know that now she’s convinced that I can take care of myself and that it’s the rest of society that should change, and not me.”

In 2011, the couple had already been together for five years. They owned a house and three cats between them, and inevitably, like in most relationships, talks of marriage were being brought up.

“I wanted to take our relationship that one step further,” says Neil. “In our culture, couples who have been together for such a long time get married, and when they don’t, they’re questioned about it. Of course, we weren’t being questioned or pushed to get married, but I didn’t want our relationship to be any different just because we’re gay. We’re both Maltese, and in our culture people who are together for a certain amount of time, who live together, own property together and plan to spend the rest of their lives together, get married. In fact they are expected to get married. So why not us?”

Although Roderick always agreed with the principle of getting married, he knew that no matter what they did, their bond would not be legally recognised in Malta, and because of this, at first, he had a hard time understanding the worth of it.

“Of course I wanted to get married to Neil. I wanted it with all my heart, but at the time I couldn’t see why we’d go through the hassle and expense of having to travel to get it done abroad, only to come back to Malta and not having it recognised by the State. Eventually, however, after talking and discussing with Neil, I realised that he was right. I realised that people don’t get married so that they can benefit from certain laws, they get married because they love each other and want to commit forever. They do it to consolidate this commitment and to celebrate it with people that matter.”

A few days after their initial discussion Roderick proposed to Neil and, in 2012 the couple flew to Portugal where they tied the knot.

“We chose Portugal for two reasons,” explains Neil. “First of all it is the one of the few countries in the EU that does not require couples to reside there before getting married, and secondly because Portugal’s law offers ‘marriage’ not ‘civil unions’, and this is what we wanted, no more, no less. It took us almost a year to get all the paperwork translated and all the arrangements done, and because we were the very first non-Portuguese homosexual couple to get married there, it turned out to be too complicated to get all our family and friends to accompany us. We did feel a little bit cheated that they couldn’t be there but we wanted this so we just got on with it, exchanged our vows in a little ceremony in Portugal, and then came back to Malta to celebrate.”

Though it was impractical for all friends and family to attend the wedding ceremony in Portugal, the couple celebrated in style back in Malta.

That summer, Neil and Roderick organised a memorable wedding celebration.

We hope that the message that we’re giving out to the world is that gay relationships are no different to heterosexual ones

“It took place on one of Malta’s most beautiful beaches, and it wasn’t just a reception or just a party,” explains Roderick. “It was a fully-blown, meaningful celebration for which we invited our closest family and friends. Since we couldn’t have them with us in Portugal as we exchanged our vows, we had a little ritual in the beginning of the event to remind people the real reason why they were there. Mid-way through the festivities we also prepared some very original activities to spread the love and the joy that we were both feeling.

“Many people still don’t understand why we ‘had’ to get married. Even people who have long accepted our relationship sometimes wonder why we bothered doing something that in Malta is essentially useless. But for us, marriage is not just about the legality of it all; this ring on our finger means that we’re in for the long haul, that we’re totally committed come what may, and when civil unions are introduced in Malta, our commitment will finally also be recognised here. In the meantime, we’re happy to know that we have done everything we possibly could to commit to each other as best we can, and we hope that the message that we’re giving out to the world is that gay relationships are no different to heterosexual ones; that people want the same thing, no matter what their sexual orientation is; that people want love and to give love, and that cultural traditions should be available to all and sundry irrespective of sexual orientation. And most importantly, that love is love, no matter what, who, or where you are.”